i'm ready for school to start. i'm ready to be close to my friends. to study. to graduate. the boys are loud. they are laughing a lot. and now they are clapping. i sort of want to go see what it is about. but not enough to get up. it's late and i'm tired, but i don't think that i could sleep. too much to think about. this week has been crazy...not bad, just crazy.

eric and matt are coming tomorrow. i don't really know how to entertain them yet. but i'm sure that we can work something out.

now the boys are yelling...at the computer, not at each other. but if they were yelling at each other, i think that i would go watch. that would be something to see. perhaps something that i have seen before, but something none the less.

i read the news today. i haven't done that in a while. it was depressing. apparently the world keeps spinning when i'm not involved. i wish someone had told me this sooner, it might have alleviated a lot of stress.

in other news: MY FEET STINK. not a new occurrence, but strange because i have been wearing sandals all summer.

he was my pal,
he was my friend,
but now he's gone,
and that's the end!

the moral of,
this little tale,
if you see a worm,
just don't in hale!

yeah that's what you thought i would do, but i didn't and now you don't know what to think!

my hands are green and i feel like the jolly green giant.
there is a dead bug on my shirt, i'm not sure how i should feel about that.
its been such a long day, and i'm exhausted. but i don't want to go to bed.
i get to sleep in tomorrow...i'm really looking forward to that.
things are better. that's pretty amazing because i didn't realize that things were bad.
but they were. and now its better. and i know how to act. and i know how to be.
and i can be me. and talk. and not feel uncomfortable. and that's good.
it rained all day. i can't imagine what it would be like to live in a place where it rained all week.
not like normal rain, but like the down pour kind. that would be weird.
i feel pointless right now. like i'm wasting time.
and i am.
but i guess that's what i do best.
perhaps.
on to something bigger and better. i wish i knew what that was. perhaps in a year.
i've been asked that question like ten times this week. that what are you doing next year question.
i wish i knew.
it would make life so much easier. but i guess that's not really how things work.
and i guess i should just be happy that i have an idea of what i would prefer doing.
and now worry so much about the fact that i don't actually know what i'm going to do.
i've come to the realization that i can not delegate. i don't really know what that has to do with the aforementioned thought.
but there it is. out there for all of the world to see.
i can't delegate. maybe people have known this about me for sometime now. i wish i had.
i don't really like it. i think i need to work on that. hmm, that was a slight case of deja vous. odd. this is a retarded post.
i don't like it. i'm thinking about deleting it. but if i deleted it then i would want to type another one.
but it is already late. and i don't want to spend anymore time doing that if i don't have to.
i guess i could just put a warning at the top of this post. something to the effect of.
::::WARNING::::--dinosaurs will eat your face if you read this.
or
::::WARNING::::--i'm an idiot and blabber on about a bunch of crap that really serves no purpose. if i were you i would just avoid this all together.
and who knows. maybe i will title it that. but i probably won't. i'll probably name this like the pot bellied propose on wheels or something like that. cause i never title things like i should. i wish my creativity was back. too bad i guess. i guess that just means that you get all this crap instead of all the things i could be typing that would mean so much more to you. oh well.

and this is how it should be.

week 5. very nearly over.
week 6. about to begin.
weird. it seems so strange to think that this summer has reached its peak and now things are on the down swing. i don't know what to think yet. i think i need to sit and write it all down. to think, and stew, and evaluate what has happened thus far. i don't think that i can right now. not because there's no time, but because i have no mental capabilities. i have the sudden urge to write a poem. but i don't think that i will. i have tried to about 27 times in the past few weeks. but nothing has come out. my creativity is gone. my objectiveness is gone. it's all the same. never changing. i need to get some perspective. maybe i should buy a news paper...catch up with the rest of the world. I'm in yet another bubble. the kind where you are disconnected and discombobulated. the kind where everyone is always the same. where the drama never varies. where the questions and the feelings and the sarcasm and the cynicism are continuous. that's a bubble right? but if you think about it everyone lives in a bubble. nothing beyond this planet. always with the same wars, and the same fights, and the same tears, and the same blessings. so maybe being in a bubble is ok. or maybe it isn't. i have know idea what i'm typing. blabbering. blah. maybe that's always what it is though. hmm. parents are coming and i want to take a shower. i think i'm going to go do that now. i have time. why waste it here? on line? thinking? blah.

pepto bismal flavored yogurt?

so this is the second time today that i have decided to type a new entry. i'm not too sure how well it will work. i'm assuming one of three things will happen. 1. i will decided i don't really want to type this entry after all and dump it. 2. someone will come in and ask me to do something. or 3. a giant raccoon will break into the staff lounge and, just as i am about to push publish, it will bite off all of my fingers. so while in a tremendous amount of pain i will press on, and attempt to publish this using my nose. however, the raccoon will know that this is my plan and he will bite off my nose. unfortunately this raccoon does not know the depth of my persistence or my the donkey's that have infiltrated my lineage. and so he will think that i will have given up because i will be missing all of my fingers and the tip of my nose...but he is SADLY mistaken. for you see i will have picked up a pencil in my mouth. And not just any old pencil but a RUMPKE pencil with bite marks in it all ready. I will push my nervousness about holding an already chewed pencil aside and i will publish this post. and you will read it and you will be in awe at the marvel that is me. and you will not know what to think, or what to do. and so you will sit and you will wail. you will tear your clothes, and rub ash on your forehead. you will ask God why this great temptation has befallen you. why such an amazing person is tempting you with idol worship. but i will come and i will tell you that i am not nearly as perfect as you think. i am flawed. very much so in fact. i know that it maybe difficult to detect at times, but it is in fact true. and you will feel comfort and you will no longer be tempted by my greatness because it is of this world, and this world is not my home.

second week of camp. and i think it is going pretty well. program stuff seems to be running a lot smoother than last week, so i guess that is an improvement. but it's hard to judge, because all that i have to compare it to is last week. and that was such a terrible week that this week couldn't possibly be any worse.

i'm tired and the last person in the lounge. i think that perhaps i should finish up the last few details of the day and make my way to the TP. actually that sounds like the most amazing thing that i have ever said. maybe my brain hasn't completely shut off for the summer after all. too bad it feels that way. i hate this post. i really want to delete it. but i won't. GARR! it is seriously driving me nuts. oh well i'm over it. ok maybe not but i will be. ok maybe not but who cares?

i need to hear some music.

such a long day. i spent five hours in my car today, driving to and from the wayne. but definitely worth it. i realized a few things today.
1. I don't understand how anyone can be brave enough to start a marriage without having christ as their cornerstone.
2. David Rice has an amazing voice.
3. I need to talk to my friends more often.
4. Indiana has some pretty terrible radio stations.
5. In terms of media (i.e. movies and music and books) i'm not sure i like what i like because i like it, or if i like what i like because people that i like like it.
6. My dad is great.
7. I miss Em
8. I'm probably not going to get to talk to Cory all summer. sad.

that's a lot to think about. or maybe nothing to think about at all. i don't really know. sometimes i think too much. and sometimes not enough. i don't even want to think about which one it is. on to other things.

drained.

i'm tired. i feel useless. underappreciated. and it's only day two. i guess that to some extent i had sort of expected this. but not really. i didn't think that it would actually be like this. hmmm. press on. keep going. its only day two of week one. its still just new. its not everyone. is it? i don't think so. tomorrow will come. and today will end. and it will be better. it has to be right? i don't feel like myself. i think i started to be me. but now i'm too afraid. too unsure. what if i'm wrong? am i a fraud? i hate this. i'm exhausted. its time for dinner. then on to another thing. and another. and another. then tomorrow. and the morning. and more feeling like crap for about four hours. i need strength Lord.

it has begun...

uh sort of. yeah sort of.
i'm here, not there.
but here.
i have nothing to say.
perhaps for the first time in my life.
sad.
don't worry.
someday i will.
someday i will rule the world.
and that will be pretty sweet.
ok maybe not.
but it could be.
just wait!

rodeo spaghetti and german potato salad

i drove down roads i new a century ago.
long and straight.
short and curvey.
i know them. i feel their curves, their bumps, their flaws.
i see me riding a raft under the road.
i see jeremy with no eye brows.
i see cory spear fishing in the field.
i hear the scream of the peacock.
the smell of the grass. of the trees. of the wheat.
so familiar. so new. so alive.
yet so different. so dead. just a memory.

and today i'll drive down roads i've never seen.
past fields i've never known.
to a place that is unfamiliar.
with people i do not know.
and i'm scared.
and excited.
and i long to feel the sun on my face, and the grass under my head.
but it will be a different sun, and different grass.
on different skin, and under a new head.
but it will be the same sun, and the same grass.
i've had this skin since i was born. this head since then.
i'm the same. just different. just changing.
i'm going to a different place that is the same.
just different. just changing.
and i'm scared.
and excited.

resistance is futile?

i have been resisting the urge to type a "well it's the end of the semester and i'm super emo and i'm like totally going to miss all of my friends and i don't know what i'm going to do for the next three months!", post. i will continue to do so.

i will also resist the urge to write about this up and coming summer. i've said enough. so you will not get any "well it the beginning of summer and i'm totally stoked cause i'm going to be working at a camp with every single one of my bestest friends for the summer!". cause that would be a lie. well maybe a half lie. i'm working at a camp. but not with my bestest friends, with a bunch of people i don't know.

i will also resist the urge to write a poem. i'm not a poet and you do not want me to write anything for you.

i'm continuing to resist the urge to take on-line quizzes and post the results. you know something that is like: "so how half human half squirrel are you?", or maybe "which ant in an ant hill are you?".

i will also resist the urge to tell you all about my friends. the "well i totally love all of my friends. so here is a twelve page list of who they are and why they are like so completely amazing. Wang-Chung: You are so cool because you make me chinese food and then throw it on me when i call it Chinese food because you are japanese. but we all know it is really the same thing", sort of post.

i'm also resisting the urge to slaughter a zombie and save the world. not because i don't want to save the world, but mostly because i don't see any zombies. and if did i still wouldn't slaughter it. not because i'm a pacifist like previously stated, but because i'd be so scared i'd probably wet myself. then the zombie would eat me. i'm ok with that though, i think i would make good zombie food.

and i'm clearly resisting the urge to pack and clean the apartment even though it is two o'clock in the morning and i am probably leaving in like less than 14 hours. "well i'm like totally in denial about moving out tomorrow."...oh wait, that's actually true. except for the "like totally" part cause i probably wouldn't say that. i'd probably say "yup, i'm gonna watch a movie." movies are good, they are my down fall. i own too many. i need a u-haul to move them. i will miss them this summer. i hope my family will appreciate them for what they are. but probably not. they'll most likely not. too bad.

bulletproof

pacifism has once again filled the cavities of my body.
my marrow has been replaced with anti-violent serum.
so fear not my little jelly bean.
i will not hurt you.
i will keep my skills at a bay.
and in the mean time will focus all of my energy on enlightenment.
enlightenment of the physical and spiritual and emitional and movie going kind.

HIYA

i am a ninja.
and bored.
a lethal combination?
yes. for any would be attackers.
i am warning you not to sneak into my apartment.
or you will lose your face.
i will use my ninja warrior skills.
and you will lose an eye.
i will use my taekwondo skills.
and you will lose a nose.
i will use my telepathic skills.
and you will burst into flames.
watch out for me today.
i am lethal.

Treetops

When I was a young girl,
Trying to find her way
Above the tree tops, the tree tops , the tree tops.
When I was a young girl,
Trying to find her way
Above the tree tops, the tree tops, the tree tops.

I did not care, I did not care,
what they called me.

I'll float above the ocean.
The sun above is burning my head,
I will grow wings and fly everywhere.

when I was a young girl,
Trying to find her way
Above the tree tops, the tree tops, the tree tops.

I did not care, I did not care
What they called me.

No, I did not care,
I should not care,
What they called me, what they called me.

I'll float above the ocean
the sun above is burning my head.
i will grow wings and fly, everywhere.

But warm clouds,
Are dripping into my mouth.
Tasting of gold and..

I'll float above the ocean,
The sun above is burning my head
I will grow wings and fly everywhere..

Whatever I Want...

i like to swear. i wish it weren't looked down on so much. is swearing like eating idol meat? cause if it is, then i can say de-f-bomb without feeling bad. but if not, well then i guess i'm just going to hell. carla just swore. and there's a man streaking on my computer screen. and i'm supposed to beat him with a bat. weird. i need to study. three finals tomorrow. it shouldn't be too bad. i should copy those notes now so i can give them back to lisa. sorry i wasted time writing this instead of copying them.

ah! THE END!

home.
i nearly had a panic attack at IGA yesterday. not sure why. there were people every where that i recognized. i hated the feeling. i hated it. i think that maybe this is a sign from God. he's saying "Jamie, Thou shall NOT live in Oak Harbor".
and i'm like "SWEET!".

bored.
i'm home and i'm bored. i'm cleaning. earning 1,500 dollars. well sort of. it's more like i'm cleaning my conscience.

happy.
and even though i'm bored, and cleaning, and wanting to die. i'm somehow at ease. especially here. at dad's house. it's so nice outside. there are birds everywhere. the windows are open. the fields are green. it smells like fresh cut grass. fresh cut grass and spring. mmm. that's the best smell. i think i could stay here forever. but only if it was always green. and always spring. and always this moment.

my blackberry.

Thursday:
Bus. Org. Written Exam
First Aid Practical
Archery Skills Test
Work

Friday:
Archery Lesson Plan Due
Archery Order Form Due
Meet with Maria to take pictures for Golf
Golf Media Project due.
Outdoor Exam
Go Home

Monday:
Volunteer at Nursing Home (5 hours)
Dress fitting in the Wayne
First Aid Papers (3)

Tuesday:
Private and Commercial Exam
Archery Skills Test
Archery Exam
First Aid Exam
Work

Wednesday:
Aging Exam
Volunteer Paper due
Outdoor Exam
Work

Thursday:
Bus. Org. Exam
First Aid Exam
Work

ugh. thrusday please come very fast.

the lion, the witch, and the wardrobe.

chrissy and i had a discussion about facial hair.
here were the results:
I like guys with well manicured beards.
Chrissy only likes certain guys with beards.
I like scruffy faces.
Chrissy only likes certain guys with scruffy faces.
I like it when a guys beard is a different color from their hair. it breaks up the monotony. and makes it funny.
Chrissy likes it when it is all the same color.
We both like well trimmed goatees.
We do not like chin pube, neck beards, moustaches, "cheek" beards. especially not brice from the library's.

cheese curdles don't come out of the cow that way.

i think i might buy a new book.
i need to get a pair of shoes for the wedding.
i'm going to upload some Ella Fitzgerald onto my MP3 player.
then i'm going to take my new book and my music to the sunken gardens.
i might go for a hike in the woods.
i could take pictures of spring plants and stuff.
first i should develop the film from when i did that in february.
yesterday i told aaron that i want to go to maine.
now i really want to go to maine.
anyone up for a road trip in august?
or ireland. i want to go there too.
too bad you can't drive there.
that would be pretty cool though.
i should invent a car that would let me drive across the ocean.
something that is hydroelectric. well maybe not electric. that could be deadly.
i had a camper one time who would spend our rest times inventing things.
she told me all about how she wants to start a colony under the water. people would live in glass houses.
but of course it couldn't really be glass because the pressure would make it shatter.
it would need to be transparent steel.
she had it all figured out.
it was pretty amazing for a 6th grader.
her name was rachel and her family was from africa.
she had some pretty cool stories. way cooler than mine and i'm 21.
that kid is going far.
i'm kind of sad that i won't get to see her this summer.
she was a blast.
i'm sad that i'm not going to get to have Allie as a camper either.
she was truly amazing.
a mini-encore. that's what she was.
one time she said she liked to go down the inflatable slide on her bosom, she meant her bottom.
it was funny.
i'm kind of sad now.
i'm going to miss those michindoh kids.
but i'm sure there are amazing pvm kids too.
that will be fun to meet them.
i'm a little sad that i won't get to spend as much time with them.
but i'm really excited to meet my counselors!
i can't wait for this semester to be over.
and the 18 to come.
and for the counselors to come.
and for the campers to come!
i love it.

helen of troy...or winnepeg?

i watched "The Saddest Music In The World" last night. it was not what i was expecting. i was expecitng moulin rouge, it was young frankenstein. only not as funny. but just as good. i like movies a lot. i'm going to go watch one about a family of midgets "Tiptoes", yes i like legless beer robber barons and midgets. i'm glad there is a market for me.

...and you're in college?

i just spent the morning at Thornhill practicing survival/first aid scenarios. and then i got to facilitate the low ropes course. at 1 i get to go do archery. then i'm spending the rest of the evening playing games with kids. i love the life of a rec major!

Blast from the Past

its strange when you find blogs of friends from high school. and for the most part i use the term "friends" lightly. its weird to read what they are up to, or at the very least what they threw up. i'm glad i decided not to go to BG or UT. i'm glad i left ohio. i'm glad i made new friends. where would i be right now? probably drunk at B-Dubs. i've officially decided that i will not move back to oak harbor. never. i think that part of my life is over. i'm ready to graduate, and move on with my life. i guess a little blast from the past is alright every now and then...but please don't make me live there.