maybe positive reinforcement really is just a pipe dream

i thought this was gone.
i thought it was done.
wasn't twice enough?
no, because now it's back.
in full force to bite us in the ass.
and more people are hurting.
and more people are broken.
but it seems to be a game.
something to cure the boredom.
to get some attention.
but it's not a game.
it's a life.
and not only yours.
it's mine,
and theirs.
and we only get one.
do you know that?
only one.
that's it
no redo.
so don't fuck it up.
don't treat it like it doesn't matter.
realize that it does.
that you are loved.
and you don't have to pull this shit.
not to see it.
it's there.
i've cried enough.
i don't know how to handle it anymore.
i don't have to be doing this.
but i do.
in some sick way i'm prepared.
i've done this before.
and if history is anything,
i'll do it again.
because that's what we do right?
we save you.
we always have.
and always will.
that's what love is.
it's not a boomerang.
it's not meant to come back.
but it's mend to heal the wounds.
the wounds it caused.
but will it?
i don't' know.
i don't think i know anything anymore.
i know i don't want to see you throw it away
so much potential
you should bask in it.
relish it.
it's there.
for you.
and you alone.
see it.
open your eyes.
embrace it.
love it.
want it.
find a passion.
for something.
something good.
somethings steeped in possibility.
there's a world of it you know?

i feel like i've had enough.
i don't know how much more of this i can take.
i don't think i've even had much of it.
perhaps it is a good sign that it is time to move on.
to another place.
with other people.
other people who need love.
people who don't see their potential.
people who want to play a game.
people who want to fuck with your mind.
is that all we are?
all we do?
what kind of a world is that?
why do we have to live in a world where we can't see?
where we choose not to see?
where we'd rather live in our own squalor than in riches
in riches that are available.
right in front of us.
why do we stay in the cave and watch the shadows?
why are we so afraid to see reality.
its so much better
not always good
sometimes it's bad
most of the time its bad.
but fuck, it's real
and that's got to be worth something.

let the scales fall from our eyes.

Jamie's Soliloquies

To corps, or not to corps: that is the question:
Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to volunter to stop the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,
Or to not take arms against a sea of troubles, and by opposing not end them?
To go: to live; Forever more; and by going to say we end the heart ache and the thousand natural shocks that flesh is heir to, 'tis a consummation devoutly to be wish'd. To stay, to sleep;
To sleep: perchance to dream: ay, there's the rub;
For in t hat sleep what dreams may come when we have shuffled off this mortal coil,
must we give us pause: there's the respect
That makes calamity of so long life;
For who would bear another man's whips and scorns of time,
The oppressor's wrong, the proud man's contumely,
The pangs of despised love, the law's delay, the insolence of office and the spurns
that patient merit of unworthy takes,
When he himself might his quietus make with a single choice? who would fardels bear,
To grunt and sweat under a weary life,
But that the dread of something after death
The undiscover'd country from whose bourn
No Traveller returns, puzzles the will
And makes us rather bear those ills we have
Than fly to others that we know not of?
Thus conscience does make coward of us all;
And thus the native hue of resolution
Is sicklied o'er with the pale cast of thought,
And enterterprises of great pitch and moment
Is it with this regard their currents turn awry,
And lose the name of action?-------

another day

my heart is pulling out my chest tonight.
it's longing to be with someone else.
somewhere else.
maybe someday it will.

my soul doesn't know where its supposed to be.
or with whom.
maybe someday it will.

i'm tired of this pointlessness.
i need a purpose.
something to strive for.
someone to protect.

everything seems to be at a stand still.
not moving,
but rushing by.
never ending.

i don't know what i'm typing.
i'm full of crap.
and a little lonely.

shoot me

i feel awful.
i'm stressed and emotionally drained.
work has been a nightmare.
it seems to rip my heart out.
i hate that i love those kids so much.
i don't think i could love them anymore.
so much potential, and they don't even know it.
they don't even care.
it kills me.
my eyes hurt from crying so much tonight

i have to type a 5 page paper tonight.
do my accounting homework.
and type another paper that's way late.

i feel like someone is stirring my insides with a metal coat hanger.
i think i might throw up.
this is not conducive to writting papers.
ugh i don't know what's wrong.

i think this might be the longest night of my life.