Rock and a hard place.

Today is the end of Session 2. For some reason, in my head, it is the end of session 3. I keep saying it. I almost typed it. I don't know why I think it is the end of sess 3, but I do. Maybe I just want it to be.

I had a minor mental break down the other night. Now I'm left to ponder. I had a really great talk with Lisa last night that left me thinking even more. I feel like I need to schedule a meeting to discuss some of those thoughts. But the implications are a little to big right now, and I don't think I want or could deal with them. I'm not really sure what to do. Something should be done, but I fear that there is only one end result of a conversation like that. And I'm not ready.

All of this is stressing me out, and yesterday i almost had a visceral reaction. That would have been moui unfortuante. The nausia has passed, but now I just have heart burn, and what feels like the start of a could be panic attack. But mainly I'm just full of shit, and I need to suck it up and get over it.

It was my decision; My word. I knew what I was signing up for. I said I would stay, and I will show integrity, and I will stay. Maybe I hsould just find some way to compensate in the off-season. And fine something positive in the summer. I'm finding that hard to do.

I got caught up on two questions yesterday. 1) What do you love about your job? 2) What do you dislike about your job? I couldn't come up with an answer for number one. Not a single thing about the actuall position. Sure there are things about the company, the vision, the people that I enjoy. But those aren't my job. They have virtually nothing to do with my job. So as far as my actuall job is concerned....what do I love?....do I even like my positions?...I could probably come up with some answer about setting up the opportunity for counselors to make an impact in campers lives. But that is really crap. I guess I like some of the analytical thinking that goes along with it. But the answers to number 2 far out way that.

So what do I do?

a long day.
the kind that could end in tears.
the kind that leaves me questioning. questioning everything. my strengths, my skills, my passion.
the kind that leaves me desperate and searching.
searching for what?
searching for god knows what.

i stumbled upon a few websites today.
the kind that make my mind whirl faster, and my heart beat harder.
the kind that shows me a glimpse of what i could be, who i could be, who i want to be.

but i've committed myself.
to one more year at least.
i said i would, and so i will.
but i'm not sure how.

lamentations

I've been church hopping for, well the last few years. Partially because I keep moving, and partially because I find myself becoming incredibly disgruntled with the church of today. I can never seem to find one that "fits". I've started to think that perhaps I'm the one that doesn't fit. Or rather, that it is highly unlikely that I'm going to find the perfect church. So I've decided to pick up my search again, looking for the key elements in a church.

I'm not sure of what all those elements are. Certainly theology and doctrine; that is first and foremost. I think I'm also looking for a place with a certain style of worship. And some place that is warm and welcoming. A place where I can actually get involved and grow, rather than feeling stifled and like an outsider.

So this morning was the first of my quest for a church here in Columbia, MD. I discovered a church just a few miles away. It 's your typical contemporary non-denominational evangelical christian church. Full of non-conforming WASPS between the ages of 20 and 40. Looking for that church that isn't their parents church. I've been to them before, and regardless of location or demographic, they undeniable similarities. The choice of music, the service layout, I think even some of the people are exact clones. But this one seems to stand apart from the others.

For the first time in a while, it felt genuine; not like a rock concert. That was nice. And I enjoyed the sermon. The pastor is doing a series on the characteristics of Christ. Focusing each Sunday on a specific characteristic, and how we can embody it. Today he spoke on humility using the passage of Jesus washing the disciples feet as his primary biblical reference.

This is a popular topic in the christian realm. Particularly if you've come from a christian college, like me. The topic was familiar as were most of the bullet points. The reason why Jesus washed the feet. The significance of the action. The likely reaction of the disciples. How we should be willing to humble ourselves. But then he said something that I've never heard before. He said that in order to truly humble ourselves, we have to know who we are, where we came from and where we are going; of course this is in regards to your spiritual life.

This is a truly frightening concept for me. It brings to the surface all of the thoughts I've been struggling with for the past few months. I can see where I am, not that I necessarily like where I currently find myself in my spiritual life, but I think I can be honest enough with myself to say it out loud, although perhaps not in front of anyone. I'm sure I can see where I've come from. I can evaluate my past, and break it into specific moments, measurable instances. I can see where I've come from. But the most frightening is where I'm going. Because I don't know what to say.

Because I'm confused. I have a terrible habit of over analyzing everything. It's one thing when it is political candidate, or a book. But a whole other story when it is my belief system. My biggest fear is being ignorant. And so I've started to sort through my beliefs. Why do I believe in God. Should I believe in God. How can he possibly be real? How can I believe in some one that I've never met. That I've never seen. They lock you up for that kind of thing. They make movies about people who talk to and believe in people who are clearly not there. Hollywood has made millions upon millions of dollars on these diseases. Oprah and Dr Phil have aired hundreds of shows. The general American public sits in their living room and shakes their heads and says, "It's so sad. How could someone possibly believe in something that is clearly not there?" The pharmaceutical companies pump patients full of pills to normalize their brain chemistry. And yet millions of people believe in a god that we've never seen. I just don't under stand. They say that Faith is believing in what you cannot see. But this is what I can't grasp. How can I have faith in something I can't see?

I had a similar discussion with a co-worker. They said that you can't have faith in an object, only in a person. You don't have faith in that a chair will hold you up, but faith in the person that created the chair, to make it sturdy. But I don't. I have faith in the chair. I never think about the person. I don't care about the person. I've never met them, I've never seen them. But I've seen the chair, and I trust that it will hold me. If this is my definition of faith, then does that mean that I have no faith in the god that created this world because I've never met him? But I have faith in the world, because I've seen it move and I've seen it tick?

Ugh, I just don't know what to think. I end up talking myself in circles until I get so frustrated that I think perhaps I'll just be agnostic and worry about the consequences later. That is how I seem to run my life.

This is the most random thing, and it's depressing me just thinking about it. But maybe someone will read this and understand. Maybe they could give some input. Doubtful, but maybe.

Jamie's Soliloquies

To corps, or not to corps: that is the question:
Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to volunter to stop the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,
Or to not take arms against a sea of troubles, and by opposing not end them?
To go: to live; Forever more; and by going to say we end the heart ache and the thousand natural shocks that flesh is heir to, 'tis a consummation devoutly to be wish'd. To stay, to sleep;
To sleep: perchance to dream: ay, there's the rub;
For in t hat sleep what dreams may come when we have shuffled off this mortal coil,
must we give us pause: there's the respect
That makes calamity of so long life;
For who would bear another man's whips and scorns of time,
The oppressor's wrong, the proud man's contumely,
The pangs of despised love, the law's delay, the insolence of office and the spurns
that patient merit of unworthy takes,
When he himself might his quietus make with a single choice? who would fardels bear,
To grunt and sweat under a weary life,
But that the dread of something after death
The undiscover'd country from whose bourn
No Traveller returns, puzzles the will
And makes us rather bear those ills we have
Than fly to others that we know not of?
Thus conscience does make coward of us all;
And thus the native hue of resolution
Is sicklied o'er with the pale cast of thought,
And enterterprises of great pitch and moment
Is it with this regard their currents turn awry,
And lose the name of action?-------

shoot me

i feel awful.
i'm stressed and emotionally drained.
work has been a nightmare.
it seems to rip my heart out.
i hate that i love those kids so much.
i don't think i could love them anymore.
so much potential, and they don't even know it.
they don't even care.
it kills me.
my eyes hurt from crying so much tonight

i have to type a 5 page paper tonight.
do my accounting homework.
and type another paper that's way late.

i feel like someone is stirring my insides with a metal coat hanger.
i think i might throw up.
this is not conducive to writting papers.
ugh i don't know what's wrong.

i think this might be the longest night of my life.