re-magnification

i was reading some of my old posts, and found this one. i've decided to re-post it because for some reason it seems to be more relevant now than it was then. enjoy.

culture. that's something that i've been thinking about lately. as terrible as this might sound, and as narcissistic as you might think me: my thoughts have completely excluded other's culture. i haven't even been thinking about my culture either! but rather, if i'm 'cultured'.

i feel like because i'm in college (or at least because i'm in my twenties) i need to be some sort of coffee drinking, finger snapping, poetic type who has an opinion on everything. someone who is well versed in the arts, and politics. someone whose life goal is to merely flaunt my intellectual aptitude, and do so in a creative cynical way. i don't really see myself falling into this narrow stereotype that i have somehow created. unfortunately, i do see myself becoming more like my stereotype. my likes are changing. i no longer find (much) joy in cartoons...although i do devote some of my time to PBS cartoons, but i'd rather watch that then dr. phil, or smutty soap operas. i've discovered that i like documentaries. i like sheakspeare. i'm not a fan of forced humor. saturday night live and predictable comedies just don't do anything for me. i listen to Big Band rather then punk. the jazzy/big band stylings of Nellie McKay are music to my ear. visual arts like photography and theatre are becoming more amazing with each passing day. i find a thrill in hiking through a muddy woods to snap that perfect shot. i find my opinions to be stronger than ever before. i find my cynicism level increasing. i'm finally seeing that the world is not perfect, and there is something that i can do to change it. coffee is my friend. coffee houses are my friend. i don't ever see myself truly becoming that stereotype that i have created. i don't know that public forums, where we discuss the economic status of zimbabwe,will ever peak my interest. i don't think that i'll be getting into any political debates: whether global, national, or campus wide. i can't really snap my fingers, so i know i won't fit into the "Java" house poetry scene. and i'm kind of glad. i think i like the new way that my interests are going. i don't think that i'll ever be 'cultured' according to city folk standards...but as for rural ohio--i think i have most of my compatriots beat. and i think that is ok. i think i'm finding me. finding what i like, because i like it and not because that is what the general population has deemed as enjoyable.

i'm ready to be an adult. i'm 21 and for the first time in my life, i think that i'm ready to act my age. immaturity is not something that i want to strive for anymore. i don't want people to remember me as "the stinkin' college student who is loud and obnoxious and disrespectful". i want people to look at me and think: "there's something different about that one....i wonder what it is". i've had to take a closer look at myself to see who i am, i really hope that more people will take the time to do the same thing. i'm pretty sick of people making snap judgments on me because i maybe kind of remind them of someone they once knew. i want to be new to everyone. i want people to take time to meet me. i want to do the same thing with other people. i don't always do that. i clearly have stereotypes that i think someone should fall into, but i don't want to rely on that anymore. i think tomorrow i want to meet someone new. someone i have never ever met before. and talk to them. i want to take a closer look at that person i have judged, and see them for who they really are. i think that's how real friendships happen.

mwhahahahaha....

in bed before 11, it's a miracle!

P.S.

i like cake. the band, not the food. although i like the food too.

life's little lessons

lesson #1--i am cheap. to save 32 cents, i will buy pop that is so acidic it will eat the enamel off of my teeth.
lesson #2--i DO NOT want to work at michindoh again. however, i am completely excited about the possibility of doing a practicum at PVM! I have an interview with an Amber on monday!...ahhhh! it makes me want to nibble ALL of my finger nails off...but in a good way!
lesson #3--i suck at bowling. but i suppose that i already knew that. but i didn't know that i enjoyed it, or that i would actually like my bowling class!!
lesson #4--my roommates are insane!
lesson #5--a kangaroo is the size of a grape when it is born. and i imagine that it looks like a peeled grape too.
lesson #6--i heart my job! i think i might do another practicum next j-term...maybe at the boys and girls club or something.

i would be annoyed if i read a post like this

someone up stairs is either singing or dying. i almost hope that latter....i think it would be more painful to sing that badly. i should not be typing this right now. i need to read fro business Org, type two papers, study for two quizzes, and rewrite my sloppy notes from the beginning of this week. but before i can do any of that i have to watch ALIAS. i'm slightly disappointed with this season, it doesn't seem to have the same feel as in the past, and the previews for this episode are strangely reminiscent of an x-files episode i once watched. hmmm...... i hate posts like this. i hate to read about how someone else's day is going. i'm going to stop typing this now before you have the sudden urge to beat your self in the face with your fist, or an ice pick, or whatever. off to read.

You should only read this if you think you are more amazing than me.

kross2444:
Dear Me,
Bowling class is horrible and Kade's classes are so much better.
signed, yourself

jmebarrett:
Dear Me,
too bad Jamie is way cooler than me. I will never be able to atain the greatness that exudes from her pores. oh well. i think i will just go drowned myself in the toilet.
signed, yourself

jmebarrett:
Dear You,
I hope that you do not hate me for being cooler than you. i will try not to flaunt it. i hope that you will still be my friend.
signed,
me

kross2444:
Dear me,
The stuff that exudes from my pores is not worthy of being stuck to Kade's shoes.
Signed,
me

jmebarrett:
dear you,
that was gross!
Signed,
Me

kross2444:
Dear You,
We both know who is better.
Me
Signed,
me

jmebarrett:
Dear you,
we both know that you are complety detachted from reality, and that you currently are living in a dream world. but please i urge to keep the illusion of your grandure alive if it will keep you alive.
Signed,
Me

kross2444:
Dear you,
Blah on this my reality is true, and yours is the diluted one. My granduer is there and people see me stinking in it.
Signed me

jmebarrett:
Dear You,
Perhaps that is true, perhaps people do see you stinking. Or maybe just smelling badly. I'm sorry that you stink like a skunks anus.
Signed Your Friend,
Me

kross2444: Skunk anus
kross2444: kiss my anus
jmebarrett: and by the way.....you lose and i win
kross2444: I win
kross2444: BLOG THAT
kross2444: NOW
jmebarrett: but don't hate me for being more amazing than you
kross2444: I am AMAZING
jmebarrett: ok
jmebarrett: but only maybe a little
jmebarrett: but you should know that you only have as much amazingness as is in the hair on my big toe
jmebarrett: and that's not much
jmebarrett: because every one knows that hairy big toes are not amazing

and it begins.

classes have started.
i'm dropping a class.
i'm changing my minor.
i'm picking up a class.
my 1 o'clock is meeting at the bowling alley.
i have a butt load of projects.
but surprisingly no big "papers".
all of my classes over lap.
i can't wait!

nerves

in my throat,
in my stomach,
in my hands,
in my jaw,
in my feet,
in my brain,
in my heart.

nervous!

Dramatic Irony.

i am bored. that's right. bored out of my freaking face! my roomates have all left me. it's a friday night. everyone i know has left the campus. it's snowing. i have no money. and i am bored out of my mind! on the other hand this is leaving me ample opportunity to do nothing but surf the web, and perhaps catch up on some reading for leisure, as opposed to the reading for leisure...class. alright i think that i am finished talking to myself, so i think that i'm going to hang out will all of my adoring male fans up there and be witty and tell them lots of funny things. things so funny that you will wish that you were here with me hearing all of the funny things that i am saying. and i know that as you are reading this right now you are longing to be in my company...but alas you are perhaps a state away. and the knowledge of our distance is tearing at your heart right now. i know that you are having feelings of suicide and that it is becoming difficult for you to read this....the words are getting smaller....you find yourself walking away from the screen....you are creeping closer and closer to the window...PLEASE MY FRIEND DO NOT JUMP!....if you are on a tenth floor walk up the impact will surely maim you...if you are in a single floor ranch inspired home, the rocks from the garden in front of your window will surely impale your rear...so please my friend i beg of you push those brash thoughts aside and be at ease. for i am a caring human being and i could not in good conscience entertain my male fans if i knew that it would cause you or your bum such misery. fear not! i will go and be alone and read one of my new books...for you!

A Rant: in four parts.

PART I:
i wish that i had something more interesting to talk about. but i don't.
i wish i was an interesting person.
i wish i was doing something tonight.
i wish i was done with this place.
i wish i was a 95 year old black man from montgomery, alabama.

ok so maybe i don't really want to be a 95 year old black man from montgomery alabama. however if i were, i think that would explain my addiction to big band music, and my love for ella fitzgerlad. if i were a 95 year old black man i could think about being in love with ella fitzgerald and her amazingly hypnotic voice. but as it is i am a 21 year old female WASP from oak harbor, ohio. and as it is i don't contemplate being in love with ella fitzgerald, but i am in love with her amazingly hypnotic voice. i can't get enough.

PART II:
i think that if i were to perhaps listen to her enough, then maybe somehow i can be transported to another time, to another place, to another culture. one that i am far more equipped for. one that i fit into. one that i would love. back to a time when amateur night at the apollo was more than a stop on a japanese tourist map, but a launching platform for some of the greats, like miss ella fitzgerald. back to a time when modesty and fashion were interwoven. but as it is i resort to obnoxious copy cats like american idol, and i applaud women who were a bra, and some how over look the fact that they forgot to wear a shirt.

PART III:
it seems that our culture has lost something over the past 75 years. i am terrified of the world that i will raise my children in. thanks to opera and montel i know who lingers around the corner of my child's school. i can name at least 7 different types of household molds that could possibly kill or at very best seriously mame my child. thanks to television i am also terrified of ANGRY CANADIAN COWS, and a small pox epidemic that i was warned about on that one doctor show...i'm not sure which one it was but i know that i saw it on like four different stations so it must be a real threat. i'm also terrified a terrorist coming to oak harbor with blue prints of the nuclear power plant, but don't fear PETA will be satisfied because then Davis Besse won't make any three eyed fish like i saw on that one show...what was it...oh yeah the simpsons.

PART IV:
ugh. i don't even know what i am typing about anymore. ok i don't want to rant anymore about things that have been said a thousand times. especially when no one actually cares about it. i suppose if we as a society actually cared about the deterioration of our civilization we would take some steps to rectify it, but as it is i don't see that as the case. so i suppose that i will simply do as i'm told:
1. Be angry with the deterioration of our moral values.
2. Be sure to immerse myself in enough evil that i will be scared shitless.
3. Speak loudly and carry a big stick.
4. Don't Do ANYTHING.

three hundred and twenty two

i love to read.

i never knew it before. or maybe i did and i just forgot or something. i have spent so much time reading for pleasure that it will be nearly impossible for me to want to stop when spring semester starts in a few days. i really want tot go to some sort of used book store. some place that thas all of the amazing books that i long to read, without any of the amazingly high prices that i don't want to pay. i think that over j-term break i'm going to drive around fort wayne with a phone book until i find a good used book store.

Books i want and want to read again and again and again...

David Sedaris-- ME TALK PRETTY ONE DAY; DRESS YOUR FAMILY IN COURDOROY AND DENIM; HOLIDAYS ON ICE;

Augusten Burroughs-- MAGICAL THINKING; SELLEVISION;

George Plimpton-- THE MAN IN THE FLYING LAWN CHAIR;

Chuck Palahniuk-- STRANGER THAN FICTION;

Jincy Willett-- JENNY AND THE JAWS OF LIFE;

David Rakoff-- FRAUD;

James Frey-- A MILLION LITTLE PIECES;

Nick Hornby-- HOW TO BE GOOD;

Bill Buford-- AMONG THE THUGS;

blah. j-term

ah J-Term. my favorite time of the month of january. i suppose that if i'm going to be forced to come back to school and take a completely frivolous class, there is really no other class that i would want to take. or actually i suppose there is. whatever. this is dumb mediocrity and no one wants to read about it anyway.

i think that someone needs to invent a photograph of the spoken word. something that perfectly captures the moment of innocence, or anger, or humor but without raping the moment of it's originality.

today i chipped ice off of my car. there was a lot. i enjoyed it. it was relaxing. like when you were in elementary school and you would spread elmer's glue on your hand and let it dry just so you could peel it off.

i think i'm only updating this because i fear for my life. i think that carla might slit my throat if i do not. but i don't really think that she realizes that i have not done anything since returning to school. at least nothing worth writing about.

i got an email from michindoh about a get together to meet the new guy up there, for staff who want to return. i'm not going back this summer, or next, and probably not ever again. it makes me kind of sad that i won't get the opportunity to hang out with some of my camp buddies, but honestly it's kind of liberating at the same time. i'm moving on. that's fun, and terrifying, and exhilarating, all at the same time. i'm pretty excited about the idea of working at a camp that i have never been to and do not know anyone who has ever been there either. i can't wait to be finished with school and official be free enough to be free. yeah.

i have an exam tomorrow that i haven't begun to study for, i think i should like maybe go prepare for it. or maybe go to bed or something. i don't know. this doesn't seem to be a good beginning to a new year. oh well i suppose that nothing ever really changes with me, and that new year's resolutions are just some sort of marketing tactic employed by walmart and target to try to get the american population to change what the don't like about themselves (and in some cases what the cherish most about themselves) by spending millions of dollars on equipotent, self-help books, and nicotine supplements. it's a good thing that i don't buy into like self actualization or like new years resolutions or like being the best that you can be. i'm too poor for that. instead i think that i will set a new years resolution to...to... to burn things.

another day, in another time, at this place, now.

i want to blog but i don't really have anything interesting to say.
i want to sleep but i don't know how tired i am.
quite the dilema.

guess what?

BANANA MANHATTAN!

december 29

december 29. it's been quite a cataclysmic week. not so much for me but for the world. but i don't really think that i need to get into that. i think that the media has been doing a fairly good job of keeping us updated on the carnage of the tsunami, and besides that who really wants to hear me bellyache about something else. i seem to be doing that a lot lately. cynicism seems to be my mode of transportation. i don't think that made any sense, but at any rate you know what i mean. so i really don't have anything meaningful to type and i suppose that if i don't have anything to type, then i don't really need to type anything at all.

december 29. only a few more days until i make my venture out to another state for the seventh time since i have been "home" on break. i've decided that traveling from state to state makes me feel like i'm a world traveler. and then i remember that i have only been in three states since june, and beyond that michigan, ohio, and indiana are practically the same state so i suppose i really haven't been any where at all. that's ok though, i'll have more time and freedom to travel when i graduate, and i won't be responsible for anyone but myself because...well let's face it, the likelihood of becoming an old maid seems to be much greater than getting married. but who knows what's in the cards for me....oh wait...is that like blasphemy or something. probably. good to know that i'm also very likely to go to hell. i guess it's a good thing that it's not up to me or something.

december 29. again i have wasted the day. it is 7:30 and this is the first time since monday evening that i have left the house. ha! i'm glad it is break and i have the liberty, otherwise i think that i would truly be a hermit. i wonder what it would be like to be a hermit. i know what it's like to eat a hermit crab, but i suppose that is an entirely different thing.

december 29. i have been thinking about how intriguing the metamorphosis of the marital bed has been over the past decade. now i'm not referring to sex in any way, but the actual bed that a married couple sleeps in. it's interesting how fifty years ago it seemed to be completely obscene that a married couple would share a bed, and now we find it to be completely bizarre and a foreshadowing of a ruined marriage if a married couple sleeps in separate beds. it seems to make a lot of sense to sleep in two separate beds. no kicking. no hogging the covers. no being farted on. but then again i suppose it makes complete sense to share a bed as well. intimacy, love, security and all that jazz. but then again it also seems completely possible that i have no right to have any of these thoughts since i have never experienced the pleasure of being cuddled or farted on by a husband. perhaps this is just another sign of my obvious old maid-hood, or a more specific sign of a mental break down.

an update.

i suddenly have the need to throw up. it's not that i feel sick, i just want to throw up. i think that perhaps it has something to do with thinking. more specifically thinking about how bored and alone i am. and now i want to throw up. why is my first reaction to guilt and stress to throw up? i wonder if i'd feel better if i suddenly became bulimic. i bet that i would look better, but then my teeth would burn off and fall out because of the sudden increase of stomach acid in my mouth. so perhaps that isn't a good idea. but i still want to throw up. eww.

i hate coming to the library to get online. i just heard a three year old say butt head. it seems really sad that society is taking such an evil secular turn. i think that perhaps it's even more sad that at this moment i don't really give a crap. i still want to throw up.

i think that instead of throwing up i'm going to go home, and work on the christmas presents that i said i would make this year. i hate christmas. i hate the over commercialization; i hate the family atmosphere that it exudes; i hate that i hate it; i hate that i have to spend it with my family that no longer exists; i hate that it makes me feel guilty; i hate that there is no snow on the ground; i hate that my dad doesn't have a christmas tree; i hate that i'm completely missing out on christmas this year; i hate that i have contradicting feelings regarding christmas; i hate that all of this makes me want to throw up.

ugh. i'm bored. i think the allure of being home has completely warn off. i'm completely bored and i have realized that all of my friends in this town are either married or don't live here any more. it's hard being a single college student with almost exlcusively seriously dating or married friends. blah. growing up for me is ok, but no one else should be aloud to grow up. people should also not be aloud to talk at all in the library. especially if you are in jr high and are currently dressing like a prostitute.

i need someone to come rescue me from this town. either that or i need to throw up.

An Ode to my GPA

She seeks it here
she seeks it there,
that Jamie seeks it everywhere.
Is it in a tumbler?
Or is it in hive?
That damned,
elusive,
3.5.

****maybe it would help if i gave a shit....or maybe not.****

HUH???

today i realized why it is that i don't go to church when i come home.

it opened with a...."So my theory is that all this anti-christmas/christian opposition is stemming from the great pro-Bush christian turn out at the polls this year. The ACLU is making an extra effort by trying to ban Christ based Christmas songs and nativitys this year because never before have they felt threatened by Christianity"....i believe i whispered something to my little brother something about that being crap, and something about those thoughts being with the ACLU from it's conception.

the sermon was about keeping the spirit of christmas everyday. he opened with a "Now no where in the bible does Christ ask us to commemorate his birth, but his death...[with me mumbling..."and his resurrection...and his resurrection...and his resurrection!...again a chuckle from my bro]. Of course this statement was quickly followed by..."So when we celebrate christmas lets be sure to keep these 7 points in mind....oh and by the way it has nothing to do with anything that i wanted to talk about. (Ok so that last part my have been me...but it's really what he wanted to say!). half way through the sermon i realized that the church no longer partakes in the advent service any more....but the did have a lovely christmas tree! i believe that this realization may have spurred some comment about these people having their heads up their butts and being completely unaware of anything that is really going on. but don't worry i'm not like one of those cynical Christians who think or anything like that.

i stumbled across this post today. i find it rather interesting that someone else seems to feel somewhat like i do regarding some of these issues. i've decided that christmas is not only too commercialized, and too political, but the WASPs who are so pro-the reason for the season, seem to have forgotten what it is.

so as a result i have decided that in fact i am right. more right than some people and perhaps more wrong than others. but mostly right. yeah. and cheap so don't expect christmas presents. unless of course you get me something because then i will get you something. but don't worry my feelings will have nothing to do with the commercialization of Christ and or christmas, or of good will or love, but of obligation and guilt.

home sweet home.

i haven't felt that way in quite a while. actually i haven't even wanted to be in this part of the state since i graduated from high school. but i'll have to admit, there is something sort of relaxing and relieving about being back in Oak Harbor. Never ever in my entire life did i think that i would say that, especially in the past two years. crazy two years. that's how long it's been since my family has ceased to exist. but i find it to be kind of interesting how i seem to have a new family emerging. one with my mom. one with my dad. one with my brothers. one with my roomies. it's like i live four separate lives, and non of them can co-exist. it makes it kind of hard, but kind fun at the same time.

i spent last night with mom. we watched a movie at like (oh a cute little boy just looked at me...he almost ran into a book rack! ha! that would have been really cute...i hope that i have a kid that cute someday!).....where was i, oh yeah we watched the princess diarys 2 and talked. eric skipped his last day of school. something about his glands, or maybe it was something about my dad being amazing and letting him play hookie...i can't remember. that little kid is growing up too fast. i don't care if he 6'2" and 16 years old, he will always be my little brother.

dad and i are going to detroit to have breakfast with cory tomorrow, that should be fun. i miss that kid. i'm glad he finally decided that we were cool enough to be in his life! my big brother is great, i just never realized it before.

the trip back from huntington yesterday was by far the funniest trip of my college years. unfortunately think brett has finally realized just how unstable i am. and if someone could tell me why it is so funny to say BANANA MANHATTAN, i would appreciate it---*note*: to get the full effect, BANANA MANHATTAN must be spoken out loud in an accent. the type of accent doesn't matter...it just must not be in your own voice.---BANANA MANHATTAN!

ok enough of this jr. high diarying.

i think that when i become an axe murderer with a rusty spoon, i will not do this.