oh goodness

i discovered this post in my myspace blog. i don't remember blogging on my space. and i do not remember writing this. but i did, an di tmade me laugh, so i decided to repost it......


Oak Harbor

I'm sitting at home wating for things to happen. It is incredibly boring. I think i need to find something interesting to do for the rest of the week. Maybe I'll go exploring through the swamp lands of northwest ohio. and while i'm out on my adventure i'll find an old shack that's falling down and i'll ignore my conscience and plunge in head first. and while i'm plunging head first i'll crack my skull on something and loose consciousness. and when i come too i'll discover that a turtle-racoon hybrid has nursed me back to health. the turtle-racoon hybrid, whose name is Mr. Hollinsworth, will tell me how his parents used to vacation in the swamp lands in good old oak harbor, and one day while they were doing their dirty cross species deed, a strange looking man dressed in all yellow dumped of a barrel marked, "Hazardous Nuclear Waste Do Not Do The Dirty Cross Species Deed Within 30 Yards Of This Barrel Or You Will Create An Ungodly Spawn That Will Be Neither Turtle Nor Racoon, (That Is Of Course If You Are Turtle Or Racoon), We Mean It, DO NOT DO THE DIRTY CROSS SPECIES DEED!" unfortunatley his parents could not read and they did the dirty cross species deed, and 3 months later out came Mr. Hollinsworth. Mr Hollinsworth would of course personify a human even though the genes do not course through his blood, but it was humans who created the nuclear waste, and therefor created him, and so he would personify all things good. with and incredibly refined taste in art and music and books. And Mr. Hollinsworth would treat my near fatal head wound and spend the next three years nursing me back to health and teaching me to eat, and to speak, and to love all things art and all things art related. and then i would emerge from the Black Swamp, and people would look at me and say "Who is that person? She looks like Jamie, but she vanished three years ago! Could this be her? Did she pull a Fiona Apple? Did she disappear only to remerge stronger and better than ever? Or is she a Jewel? Did she come back to be a sell out and a horrifying girly girl? Oh no! Our puny minds that have not been raised by a turtle-racoon hybrid that was created by it's parents doing the dirty cross speicies deed within 30 yards of a barrel of nuclear waste, can not comprehend this! We will go drown ourselves in the Lake!" AND THEN I WILL RULE THE WORLD!

The moral of the story? why sit at home and be bored, when i can rule the world!

Whose heart is about to explode?
Mine is!
And why?...let me tell you.
For two very exciting reasons.

reason #1.
I got a library card today, and checked out two books. High Fidelity, by Nick Hornby. I love Nick Hornby and the movie was wonderful so I expect great things of the novel. And the second was Possible Side Effects, by Augusten Burroughs. I didn't realize that he had a new book out, so imagine my glee when I saw it sitting on the shelf in the Eaton Public Library.

Now you may be thinking..."Augusten Burroughs, that sounds familiar". Well that's because he is the author of such books as Dry, Magical Thinking, Sellovision, and Running With Scissors. That's right ladies and gentlemen, Running With Scissors. Which brings me to

reason #2.
They are making Running With Scissors into a movie. The movie is based on the book by Burroughs, which is a memoir of his life. His parents divorce when he is a boy and he is raised by his mother's psychiatrist who is, well off his rocker. The unbelievable heart wrenching and sometimes gut wrenching details in the book make it a must read. IMdb has some still shots of the movie up, which has only increased my excitement. They make me think The Royal Tennenbaums meets A series of Unfortunate Events (an R rated version of course). Oh man, I'm excited. My expectations are high, although I'm not sure how they will be able to show all of the scenes in the movie, and they will not be able to express them in the same manor that Burroughs did. Nonetheless. I'M EXCITED. The film comes out later this month. Now I just need to find someone to watch this movie with me. I have a feeling that it needs to be someone with low moral standards but incredibly high movie standards. This is no slapstick comedy here folks. AHHHH! I can't wait!

I'm also in dire anticipation of Stranger than Fiction, and Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium. Again two movies that I fear will require a certain type of moviegoer. Too bad I'm not around that kind of person anymore. Perhaps I will just have to get used seeing movies by myself. It makes my heart sad and a little lonely, but that is another story.

home

i'm sitting in huntington, fresh from an evening of fun and festivities with the boys and girls club kids. it has been so wonderful to come back here and to visit all of these kids once again. it's amazing how deep a kid can set their hooks into your heart, and the more you try to pull them out the deeper they go. it was so wonderful to see smiles on my kids faces and to feel there arms wrap hugs of love around me. these kids are mine. they're my babies. it doesn't matter how many miles from them that i will go, or how many more children that will hook my heart. they will always be mine and have a special place in my heart.

i miss working with kids on a daily basis. i miss knowing that the smile that i gave or a word that i spoke may have been the first good thing to happen to them all day. i take forgranted the "posh" lifestyle that i live. but i'm always brought back to earth and humbled by the small things that bring them joy.

My favorite and perhaps most impacting quote from tonight came from Autumn.
"I like this new gym!"
"Why?" asked Jeff as we exchanged glances and looked around the new room. The floors are bare concrete, the walls are plastic covered insulation with exposed bars and pipes.
"Because its comfortable"

Comfortable. wow. something that seems so terrible and dangerous to us, is comfortable to her. and why is it comfortable? because it is home.

Home. More of a home than what some of them maybe used to. Some of them spend more time their with part staff members than with their own parents. Some of them respond better to part time staff members than to their own parents. But it is home.

And it's my home too. And i miss it. I miss them. I miss their hugs, and thier tears, and their fists, and their hurt, and thier anger. But most of all i miss knowing that i am impacting someones life. i think that is what is so frustrating about where i am in my life right now. i can't see how i'm impacting anyone. in the summer...yes. but that is only 9 weeks of the year. But there are 43 other weeks that go by when i don't. I never thought that i would miss serving so much. serving with an honest heart. not with the bible. not with an ulterior motive.

I think that sometimes serving becomes too much about our reward; our fame; our pride; our money; our reputation; our heavenly reward. i hate it when christians serve expecting to see results. when we set the mood for things to change. for hearts to be affected. we play the right music. we read the right bible verse. we share the perfect testimony. and then what happens. there is a flood and an enormous amount of people wash forward. and the accept. they change. they commit. but what are they commiting too? the the God of the person that planned the evening? to the God that is presented to us? the God of emotion, the God moment. But what about God. Their God. The God that they can find by searching for him instead of blindly trusting the words of a 10 minute preacher, a motivational speaker.

I think that serving is much more than that. It's showing right and wrong in a way that is simple and applicable. It's facilitating interactions that foster social and emotional development. It's reaching people in their environment. In their home.

And i miss that. I miss being in their home. I miss being involved in someones life. I miss being able to see how someone is at home. and being able to make home better. I don't want to transplant kids to a false envronment where i know that i can force an emotion out of them if i say the right words and turn the lights down low enough. i don't even know what i'm talking about anymore. i'm sure if i read this again i would see all of the error in my thought. the mass contridictions. i would see that nothing flows. but i need this again.

i need home.

home.

Sinking deeper into the pit.

The other day I took a personality test online.

It made me think. About my life, and my situation, and my capabilities, and my possibilities. It had me wanting to vomit when I went to bed. It made my mind race. Thoughts penetrated my brain and my soul. They pierced my psyche and my stomach. I fought sleep with iron knuckles. I refused to let myself go to that place between waking and dreaming. That place where you thumb through your fears and hopes, your disappointments, and insecurities. That place where they give you the finger and show you all of your faults. I refused to take that kind of abuse. So I used my only weapon. Exhaustion. Instant REM sleep.

And it worked, until they found me. Somewhere in my dreams, they found me. The thoughts took me hostage. They forced me to wake. They held me at knife point. They forced themselves through my brain. And I lay there, at 5 o'clock in the morning fending off the thoughts smashing through my skull. The Boulders that collided in my stomach. The phrases that reverberated in my ears and slid from my tongue.

"Unable to achieve relationships of the desired degree of mutual affection and understanding".
ISOlAtioN
"While she wants to surrender and let herself go, she regards this as a weakness which must be resisted...[to] ensure recognition as a unique and distinctive personality".
INsecure
"Wants interesting and exciting things to happen. Over-imaginative and given to fantasy or day-dreaming".
vOiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiD
Feels that things stand in her way, that circumstances are forcing her to compromise and forgo some pleasures for the time being.
FEAR
"Tries to emulate the characteristics she admires and to display originality in her own personality".
pOSeR

These thoughts dug through my brain, and caused my own mouth to turn on me. To speak blatant truths. To yearn for comforting lies; for the strength of reassurance. But it didn't come. And now I'm swimming through a sea of self doubt and second guessing.
Did I make the right choice? Am I just hiding? Should I be doing this?
There is so much doubt clouding my judgment. Or am I just afraid of life? Am I just trying to hid from responsibility?

I feel like I'm sinking. Into a deep pit. An abyss. And I don't know how to get out. Or if I even want to.

Or maybe I'm just stressed and getting sick. Yeah. That's probable it.

shhhhhh...

why are people afraid of silence? in essence it is everywhere. behind all of the craziness of life is pure stillness. pure silence. it is the root of life. so why is it something we fear? i think that there are two kinds of silence. solitary silence, and the silence of plurality. both difficult to master, and each for it's own reasons. silence in plurality seems to be taboo in our culture. as though you are breaking a cultural norm by sitting in a room with someone and not participating in an asinine conversation. why must we do it? can't we just bask in the silence of friendship? do two people have to carry on a conversation to make a friendship work? it seems to me that once you reach a level of comfort with a person, then just being near them should be enough. although this can be a bit difficult to master, especially if one can not master solitary silence. this is perhaps the worst of all the silences. this is removing all outside stimuli and forcing oneself to be alone with their thoughts. i suppose in remote reaches of the world where technology has not yet bridged the silence gap, this is easier to attain, and is thrown into your face more forcefully. but in the land of stereo's, iPOD's, cell phones; we have all but eliminated solitary silence. now one must seek it out; must be intentional about spending time with one's own thoughts. maybe that is part of the reason why the island state of vanuatu is currently ranked as the happiest country in the world. maybe they have learned to enjoy the stillness and silence of companionship. when will the rest of the world?

back from the dead

Tomorrow (july 21) will the be two month mark since the last time that i updated my blog. It is also the beginning of my third month here at Pleasant Vineyard. And what a summer it has been. Things are a little different than I thought that they would be when I came this summer. However, a good different, an exciting different. I accepted a position as program director here at good ole PVM, which means that I have a full time job. I'm really excited about what this next year will bring. A new place to live, new people to be around, and I have the sole responsibility to make the programs at this camp work. Maybe not the sole responsibility, but none the less. It's a little daunting, and I'll admit it, i'm scared out of my shorts. Feelings of doubt and insecurity are lingering just below the surface. I have big shoes to fill and an even bigger tradition to uphold. It's scary to think that I'm going to be part of a place that has made a difference in so many lives. It's intimidating to think about all of the successful programs that they have run. And as scary as all of this may seem

Tomorrow (august 14) will be just 6 days shy of a month from when i started this post. camp is officially over and we have moved on to guest group season. the time where my job consists of staffing and zip line and tower and cleaning and apparently counter strike. however it is still just week one of my new job and so i'm sure that i'll figure out what i'm actually supposed to be doing soon. or maybe not. the way things seem to work, i probably won't discover what i should be doing until two weeks before i move on.

i wish i had something exciting to post about. unfortunately i'm so removed from the world that i can't comment on any current events, because the events that i know aren't so current anymore. I've been watching the same five movies all summer so i don't feel like i critique a movie, with the lady in the water being the exception. but i just don't feel like doing so. nothing to complain about, or contemplate. no one new or any recent arguments. i'm listening to Mates of State right now. if you don't know who they are you should. except then they would become popular and lots of people would listen to them and i would no longer like them. like napoleon dynamite. or maybe i didn't like that movie because it sucked. none the less.

i'm really just typing this because i'm bored and i'm waiting for my laundry to dry. it's actually kind of late and i want to go to bed. i also want to get chinese carry out tomorrow, just so i can use my new chop sticks and set them on my new chop stick rests (39 cents at Jungle Jim's).

i'll be making a trip to indy on wednesday, and perhaps that will include a stop a shapiro's which, according to USA today, is one of the 10 best jewish deli's in the nation. if i eat there on wednesday i will have eaten at TWO of the best jewish deli's in the nation. the other being Zingerman's delicatessen in Ann Arbor, MI. and there is another on the list that is just outside of cleveland, and since my brother lives in cleveland, odd's of me eating there seem to be very high. and since i'll have eaten at 1/3 of the best jewish deli's in the nation, i think it only fair for me to make it a life goal to eat at all 10. that means that i'll need to take a trip to LA, NY, Baltimore, Portland, and Beverly Hills. i've been yearning for an adventure and perhaps this will suffice. i could back pack from New York to California and eat a only jewish deli's along the way. then i could critique each delicatessen and write a book entitled "Backpacking to Deli Paradise" which will document my experience from coast to coast and present an unbiased, real person point of view on jewish deli's as seen from a german/irish descendent of anglo saxon alcoholics. it would of course become a best seller which would instantly push me to fame and fortune. unfortunately as i've already stated, i do not like popular and famous people, and so i would not like myself. this would mean i would live a life of depression and self hatred which could only be remedied through suicide or by publishing the much anticipated sequel "Hitchhiking to Hell". my much debated highly critisized memoir documenting my escapade to Hell, MI. where along the way i meet individuals whom i share my highly educated opinions on politics, pornography, and pogo sticks. all topics in "Hitchhiking to Hell" will start with the letter "P", and i will confess to be the dread pirate Roberts. people will think i'm insane and if all goes according to plan, i will fall from public eye as someone that no one wants to associate with. However as we've seen with most, (physically or otherwise) challenged celebs, such as ray charles, stephen hawking and brittany spears, the vast populace of the world will rejoice in my amazing prowess despite my obvious mental challenges. which would throw me into an even greater realm of popularity, and i would hate myself even more. so perhaps it wouldn't be wise if i wrote a book. maybe if i just traveled, ate, and was marry.

banter. that is a funny word.
healthy banter.
cynical banter.
good banter.
banter.
hmm.

hit the road jack.......by ray charles

Hit the road Jack and don't you come back no more, no more, no more, no more.
Hit the road Jack and don't you come back no more.
What you say?
Hit the road Jack and don't you come back no more, no more, no more, no more.
Hit the road Jack and don't you come back no more.

Woah Woman, oh woman, don't treat me so mean,
You're the meanest old woman that I've ever seen.
I guess if you said so
I'd have to pack my things and go. That's right

Hit the road Jack and don't you come back no more, no more, no more, no more.
Hit the road Jack and don't you come back no more.
What you say?
Hit the road Jack and don't you come back no more, no more, no more, no more.
Hit the road Jack and don't you come back no more.

Now baby, listen baby, don't ya treat me this-a way
Cause I'll be back on my feet some day.
Don't care if you do 'cause it's understood
you ain't got no money and you just ain't no good
Well, I guess if you say so
I'd have to pack my things and go. That's right

Hit the road Jack and don't you come back no more, no more, no more, no more.
Hit the road Jack and don't you come back no more.
What you say?
Hit the road Jack and don't you come back no more, no more, no more, no more.
Hit the road Jack and don't you come back no more.
Well


What you call me
You are ridiculous, why don't you pack up your little suitcases
and go on back to Baeubalusa.
well i just may to do that baby,i just may go hit the road and try to find myself.
Find yourself, why if you do,and when you do
GET LOST
Who me
That's right

Hit the road Jack and don't you come back no more, no more, no more, no more.
Hit the road Jack and don't you come back no more.
What you say?
Hit the road Jack and don't you come back no more, no more, no more, no more.
Hit the road Jack and don't you come back no more.
Well

don't you come back no more.
Uh, what you say?
don't you come back no more.
I didn't understand you
don't you come back no more.
You can't mean that
don't you come back no more.
Oh, now baby, please
don't you come back no more.
What you tryin' to do to me?
don't you come back no more.
Oh, don't treat me like that
don't you come back no more.

i don't what to do....i don't know what to do...i don't know what to do!!!!

i have a weird rash. i thought maybe it was hives because i'm stressed, but it's not. it makes me look like a leper so it had better go away.

i need to write a letter.
unpack all my school crap.
pack all my camp crap.
and figure out what to do with the rest of my life...
by saturday.

super.

the bitter...

my last day of work was friday. i only cried a little. but i have tons of pictures, and memories to keep me going. and i'm coming back in june for a visit, so it'll be ok.

the sweet...

I GRADUATED FROM COLLEGE YESTERDAY!...well not technically, but i did walk, and so now i pretty much consider myself a grad. i need to come back in june and take a dantes to make it official,but none the less....

no more pencils,
no more books,
no more teachers dirty looks!
HUZAH!

insomnia sucks face

i want to sleep. but i can't. so here i sit; with sore eyes and a racing brain. i keeping thinking of all the things i have to do. all the things i want to do. i graduate in less than a week. and then...and then...i'd like to have an end to that thought. but i don't. maybe i will soon. maybe. but i don't want to speak out of place. and so i wait.

i had an idea earlier today. it came to me while i was showering. it would be amazingly fun. and feasible. but i don't want to say it, just in case i actually decide to do it. then it can be a surprise! oh evil scheming, how i have missed you, it has been far to long my friend!

i finished painting my room today. it only took three months. i'm pathetic. i just couldn't seem to find the motivation. but now i'm finished, and just in time for the party that i'm going to have for the jrs. it hasn't sunk in yet. the fact that my last day is friday. i know it, but it hasn't' sunk in. i don't' think the kids really realize it either. they seem to be surprised every time we mention it. it makes me teary eyed just thinking of it. Friday Kassy asked me how to do Jr. Jams. It's going to be her program after i leave. that was my program. i started it. they were my jrs. but not any more. ahhh. i wasn't expecting to become attached when i started last january. but i am. those stinking kids took my heart. and now a part of it will be with them forever. but, i think i'm going to come for whitney's reception this summer, and maybe if i time it right, i'll be able to make it to the club for the last part of the night. that would be wonderful. and Lisa and I are already planning on making a special trip to visit in September, just before I leave for the year. And you had better believe that if I end up somewhere west of here, i'm going to stop by on my way home next summer. Josh said something about making it back for March of Dimes; it could be a staff reunion day. Nicole and Sean, Lisa, Kim and Brandon, and Me, we could all come back just to walk 7 miles with a bunch of people that had a huge impact on our college careers. that sounds pretty nice.

ah enough.

look towards the future. to the next bunch of kids that are going to take my heart. to the next person who i give my heart to.
someday.

...All things must come to an end.

My college career included. Only two weeks left. TWO WEEKS! Unbelievable. It doesn't seem like 4 years has passed, but it has. And it's time to move onto the next step in my life. I've decided on AmeriCorps. I'm in contact with a few organizations, working on finding the right fit. All of them are youth organizations of some sort, and none of them are in the Midwest! HOW EXCITING! I'm not sure where I'll be in September, but I'm really looking forward to it.

I'm starting to get a little sad about leaving work. It makes me want to cry. The other day I told two girls that I only had three weeks left. Chels was so angry with me. She kept telling me: "It's Not FAIR!" It's going to be incredibly hard to leave. I'm going leaving part of my heart behind; I love those kids with so much of me. I've already decided that I'm going to come back for a few days before I leave for a year in a foreign state. And then another visit when I'm finished. Everyone there has been such a big part of making me who I am, ah, I'm done.

today I realized I have a flicker account. So I just up loaded a few pictures. I think I'll link it to my bloc this weekend.

that's all.

maybe positive reinforcement really is just a pipe dream

i thought this was gone.
i thought it was done.
wasn't twice enough?
no, because now it's back.
in full force to bite us in the ass.
and more people are hurting.
and more people are broken.
but it seems to be a game.
something to cure the boredom.
to get some attention.
but it's not a game.
it's a life.
and not only yours.
it's mine,
and theirs.
and we only get one.
do you know that?
only one.
that's it
no redo.
so don't fuck it up.
don't treat it like it doesn't matter.
realize that it does.
that you are loved.
and you don't have to pull this shit.
not to see it.
it's there.
i've cried enough.
i don't know how to handle it anymore.
i don't have to be doing this.
but i do.
in some sick way i'm prepared.
i've done this before.
and if history is anything,
i'll do it again.
because that's what we do right?
we save you.
we always have.
and always will.
that's what love is.
it's not a boomerang.
it's not meant to come back.
but it's mend to heal the wounds.
the wounds it caused.
but will it?
i don't' know.
i don't think i know anything anymore.
i know i don't want to see you throw it away
so much potential
you should bask in it.
relish it.
it's there.
for you.
and you alone.
see it.
open your eyes.
embrace it.
love it.
want it.
find a passion.
for something.
something good.
somethings steeped in possibility.
there's a world of it you know?

i feel like i've had enough.
i don't know how much more of this i can take.
i don't think i've even had much of it.
perhaps it is a good sign that it is time to move on.
to another place.
with other people.
other people who need love.
people who don't see their potential.
people who want to play a game.
people who want to fuck with your mind.
is that all we are?
all we do?
what kind of a world is that?
why do we have to live in a world where we can't see?
where we choose not to see?
where we'd rather live in our own squalor than in riches
in riches that are available.
right in front of us.
why do we stay in the cave and watch the shadows?
why are we so afraid to see reality.
its so much better
not always good
sometimes it's bad
most of the time its bad.
but fuck, it's real
and that's got to be worth something.

let the scales fall from our eyes.

Upside down is right!

i'm listening to jack johnson's UpsideDown, from the Curious George Soundtrack, it's playing on X102.3, dood that just wrong.

all things molly ringwald...

it is wednesday of spring break and all ready i feel like bashing my head into a wall. i'm so bored. i wish i had the funds to go somewhere. but alas.

i am going to cleveland tomorrow. cory has thursday and maybe friday off, so i get to go visit them. pretty exciting, i haven't really seen them much since they were in vegas all of the way back in october. we're going to the st. patty's day parade and then to his new restaurant...Lolita. i love eating where he works. it's always so much fun.

i had plans for break. big academic plans. plans that would make your head explode. plans to write three papers and start 2 more. plans to study for a dante exam so i can graduate. plans to brainstorm a project. what have i done so far? slept in till 11 everyday and watched 3 episodes of america's next top model. got hooked on UPN from detriot...and the hip-hop versions of the golden girls, full house, and designing women; and dyed my hair.

however, i did start an application for AmeriCorps. Yet another option for post graduation. It seems a little less daunting than the Peace Corps, boasting a 1 year commitment, a $4,750 education credit, and a meager living allowance. plus it would give me tons of practical experience in a slightly more comfortable setting. i did find an organization that i would really like to work for. it's youth organization in Randel, Washigton. Sounds like it's similar to the Boys and Girls Club, so hat would be familiar, but maybe too familiar. Maybe i'm not pushing myself enough. And if i'm not going to use this experience to try new things, that maybe i should just get a full time job working in a Boys and Girls Club. But where? And is that what i really want to do? AHHHH! I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO! I want someone to tell me, but be prepared because when you do, i'll probably snap at you for trying to control my life, i only say that from experience. I like the idea that it would only be a 1 year commitment. It's a lot less daunting than 2. And the fact that i see a 2 year stint in The peace Corps as a horrifyingly long time, is probably a good indicator that i am NOT ready to be married. God it makes me want to throw up just thinking about it. So for all of you men who were thinking about proposing to me this weekend...You had better think again!...when you read that in your head, please hear it as i was saying it. Like a Sista! with fingers snapping and head waggling, because that just makes it all the better.

i watched sixteen candles and the breakfast club this weekend. i realize that i was 1 and 2 years old when they were made, but i still love them. it makes me want to watch pretty in pink. i think i'm on a slight molly ringwald craze.

my toes are numb, it's cold in here. and i'm bored. did i mention that i'm bored? because i am.

the end.
did you know that when you type "the end." it makes a really amazing rhythm.
the end.
the end.
the end.
and "point" is my favorite word to type. well actually "poin" is, but that's not a real word. you should try to type it. poin is a gentle rolling of the fingers, and all of the letters are on the same hand. it's fabulous. poin.
the end.

some things i've realized lately

*i need to be more "ballzie".
*i can't wait for life to happen, i have to make it happen
*i'm longing for may 13
*i'm dreading may 12.
*i love the names olivia and annabelle.
*i'm going to name my daughters olivia and annabelle
*maybe the reason stupid comments irritate me is that they are true
*or maybe they are just stupid comments
*i don't' know many people
*today i had a kiss from a boy. he was 8.
*that is incredibly depressing
*i need to be more "ballzie"

Jamie's Soliloquies

To corps, or not to corps: that is the question:
Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to volunter to stop the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,
Or to not take arms against a sea of troubles, and by opposing not end them?
To go: to live; Forever more; and by going to say we end the heart ache and the thousand natural shocks that flesh is heir to, 'tis a consummation devoutly to be wish'd. To stay, to sleep;
To sleep: perchance to dream: ay, there's the rub;
For in t hat sleep what dreams may come when we have shuffled off this mortal coil,
must we give us pause: there's the respect
That makes calamity of so long life;
For who would bear another man's whips and scorns of time,
The oppressor's wrong, the proud man's contumely,
The pangs of despised love, the law's delay, the insolence of office and the spurns
that patient merit of unworthy takes,
When he himself might his quietus make with a single choice? who would fardels bear,
To grunt and sweat under a weary life,
But that the dread of something after death
The undiscover'd country from whose bourn
No Traveller returns, puzzles the will
And makes us rather bear those ills we have
Than fly to others that we know not of?
Thus conscience does make coward of us all;
And thus the native hue of resolution
Is sicklied o'er with the pale cast of thought,
And enterterprises of great pitch and moment
Is it with this regard their currents turn awry,
And lose the name of action?-------

Coin Operated Boy by the Dresden Dolls

coin operated boy
sitting on the shelf he is just a toy
but i turn him on and he comes to life
automatic joy
that is why i want a coin operated boy

made of plastic and elastic
he is rugged and long-lasting
who could ever ever ask for more
love without complications galore
many shapes and weights to choose from
i will never leave my bedroom
i will never cry at night again
wrap my arms around him and pretend....

coin operated boy
all the other real ones that i destroy
cannot hold a candle to my new boy and i'll
never let him go and i'll never be alone
not with my coin operated boy......

this bridge was written to make you feel smittener
with my sad picture of girl getting bitterer
can you extract me from my plastic fantasy
i didnt think so but im still convinceable
will you persist even after i bet you
a billion dollars that i'll never love you
will you persist even after i kiss you
goodbye for the last time
will you keep on trying to prove it?
i'm dying to lose it...
i want it
i want you
i want a coin operated boy.

and if i had a star to wish on
for my life i cant imagine
any flesh and blood could be his match
i can even take him in the bath

coin operated boy
he may not be real experienced with girls
but i know he feels like a boy should feel
isnt that the point that is why i want a
coin operated boy
with his pretty coin operated voice
saying that he loves me that hes thinking of me
straight and to the point
that is why i want
a coin operated boy.

another day

my heart is pulling out my chest tonight.
it's longing to be with someone else.
somewhere else.
maybe someday it will.

my soul doesn't know where its supposed to be.
or with whom.
maybe someday it will.

i'm tired of this pointlessness.
i need a purpose.
something to strive for.
someone to protect.

everything seems to be at a stand still.
not moving,
but rushing by.
never ending.

i don't know what i'm typing.
i'm full of crap.
and a little lonely.

mitch's kids sucks my face, and is taking over my life. so far this week i have spent four hours updating files. that's four hours that i couldn't be with my kids, four hours that i couldn't run MY programs. tomorrow is the final day of the olympics. the olympics that i planned. and i was only able to see see two events. TWO EVENTS! it makes me sort of sad. i wouldn't mind it if this was part of my job, if this is what i had signed on for. if i was, oh let's say the program director. but i'm not. i'm a part time employee. uh. now i'm just venting. because i can. i miss the kids. even though i saw them, i miss them. i feel like i'm missing out on so much. i didn't get a dylan shivley hug today. i only sent one kid to time out! and then i forgot about him and no one told me he was still in time out and his five minute time out grew to 25 minutes, because mitch's kids is sucking out my brain! now i have to write my philosophy of recreation. it's due tomorrow. we had a nasty storm, and i layed on my bed for almost an hour waiting for the poswer to go out. it didn't. i wasted an hour because i was waiting for an excuse to tell her why i didn't write my paper. i've known about it since the first day of classes, and yet i'm not doing it.

i wish i had something worth while to write about, and the remote. i don't want to watch who's line.

in case you wanted to know, i just farted. and it stinks.

and now to my paper. i think i'm going to listen to some music. oh! i bought fiona apple's new cd a few weeks ago. partically because of jonny rice's postings about her, partically because thought the music video for "Not about Love" was amazing, but mostly because i had the extreme urge to buy a cd and that was the first one tha came to mind...and sight.

shit. my Word is closing. i think i have a virus. maybe i do have an excuse now. i guess it's a good thing that i've only written one sentence so far. and not a very good one at that. damn, i lost my definition of recration. oh well, i'll just have to spend a few more minutes of wasted time looking on the internet. shame.

i need to learn to say no. i'm not going to have time to breath if i keep this up. why am i such a people pleaser?

a fresh start

i decided to give my blog a face lift. it's been the same for a long time now, basically since i started it. as a matter of fact my first post was two years ago yesterday. it's my first second anniversary. as a matter of fact it's my only anniversary. that's sad. it's also coincidently my mom's birthday. strange.

so as i was saying it was time for a face lift. its like a hair cut, it makes you feel better. younger. rejuvenated. maybe this will give me the urge to update on a regular basis. or maybe if i had an exciting life i could.

work have been busy lately. i'm in charge of a new grant that governor mitch daniels has established for the boys and girls clubs of indiana. it's an educational program that ties in well with our existing power hour homework time, but now we have to document everything that the kids in the program do. it makes for a lot of extra work, and since i'm in charge of a large portion of this program, and because the program director is busy, and because i offered my services to him last week after a truly terrible staff meeting; i find my life being taken over by this stupid grant. between school and this PART TIME JOB, i'm working almost 16 hour days. and only getting paid for 2 of those hours, it's exhausting. i'm also in charge of the club olympics. that's not really that big of a deal, just a little programming and facilitating. it's what i'm trained to do, and what i love to do.

work has made me cry a lot lately. it's been so stressful. there are so many changes in the program, and none of it really seems to make sense, and sometimes it feels like the administration is forgetting about the kids. and i get to the point where i don't think i can go on anymore, and then i walk onto the floor and i get a hug from a child, or someone sits on my lap, or a teen shares something with me that they wouldn't tell anyone else; and then, it's worth it. and the fact that i don't make much money doesn't matter, and the fact that it's more of a volunteer position than a paid position, doesn't matter. and all the managerial stresses melt away, and maybe my bad attitude and my slight nazi like tendencies disappear, and i'm happy. and i'm making a difference. and i couldn't imagine not being here. i don't how i'm going to leave. i love each and every one of those kids, they're apart of who i am. they've helped to mold me into what i'm becoming, and maybe, just maybe, we're doing the same thing. maybe there's one kid who got a hug today, who otherwise wouldn't have. maybe i'm the only person who told them i was proud of them today. maybe this is the only place they can come where they feel valuable, included, and loved. and then it's worth it. it's so worth it.
it makes me wonder what i'm going to do when i graduate. i couldn't imagine not doing something like this. not making a difference or a change.

cory and carrie visited with me last friday on their way through indiana from vegas. it was so great to see them, i'm so glad their moving to cleveland. they'll be so much closer, and i'll actually get to see them. we had lunch together, nearly a two hour lunch. carrie told me that i should join the peace corps. she thinks that i'd be a perfect fit. i've started to think about it a little. i've even looked into it some. they offer loan deferment, which would be necessary. and i meet almost all qualifications for the working with youth opportunities, execpt one. they require that you have at least 6 months experience working full time with disadvantaged youth. by may i'll have nearly a year and a half of, technically, part time experience, but let's face it this is really a full time job. i've thought about seeing if i could find a program job at another boys and girls club and work there for a while, and then maybe think about the peace corps after that. how amazing would that be? going somewhere else! seeing the world! experiencing new things! meeting and loving kids! and why shouldn't i? i'm single, no prospects of marriage anytime soon, ever probably. and if i do get married, i want it to be to someone who has the same desires as me, maybe we could go into the peace corps together!...so why not?! there's nothing holding me back. nothing at all. i should just leap in with both feet. tell the nay sayer's to fuck off, and do it. oh, how amazing would that be.

and if not the peace corps, than maybe ameri corps. i've thought a little about that too. but something.
something.

random information: i'm getting my hair cut this weekend. it'll be for the first time since august. i used to get my hair cut every 6 weeks, and now it's every 6 months. i'm excited. layers, and side bangs. that's right folks, i'm following the crowd and i'm going to get side bangs. am i excited? oh yes, yes i am.

i'm watching america's funniest home videos. it's a really old episode. bob saget is the host. that's when the videos were really funny, i just saw a clip where a little girl got her pants pulled down. that makes me think of a story from tonight. and i must share.

a little boy was hiding under a pool table, i was standing in the door way about 25 yds away, yelling his name because he wasn't listening to me and wouldn't put his shoes on even though i told him to. so i walked over to the pool table and said, "come out from under there". another little boy decided to help him out, so he grabbed him by the legs and started to pull. unfortunatley he wasn't holding onto his feet, but on to his pants. his elastic waist running pants. the next thing i see is a little blond boy underneath the pool table and a little pair of spiderman underoo's staring back at me! i call out "Put your pants back on!" and of course ten kids turn around to look. i had to try to distract them from watching the little boy, who was still under the pool table, as he was putting his pants back on. it was the funniest thing i have ever seen. unfortunatley this was the same little boy who later on in the evening wigged out and took of running because he got in trouble and had to go home. i chased him up to the third floor and he started crying and screaming at me and telling me i wasn't his boss, then he ran past me and down the stairs right into his grandma's arms. she than stood there with him in her arms for nearly five minutes, as he struggled to get away. his face beat red, and the most guttural noises i have ever heard coming from his throat. he kicked and screamed and tried choking his grandma, and i just stood there. i couldn't leave them there, and i couldn't intervene because that would be taking the authority away from his grandma. so i just stood there and watched as she held onto her grandson until he calmed down enough that she could carry him down a flight of stairs. it was terrible, i've never seen him respond like that. it makes me wonder what kinds of things he's been through. i've heard some stories. and it's just not fair. why should a 6 year old have to live in a world like tnat. a world that is created by the ones who are supposed to care for him. (at this point i'm no longer talking about this specific child, but all children) i don't understand how a parent can bring a child into the world, and then force them to live in hell. it should be that when you have that child, no when you have sex, you are making a commitment. a commitment that says that you are participating in an act that could result in a child, and if that so happens, that you are promising that you will raise that child in a world that is not evil, that you will not inflict pain on them. and even if it means giving that child away, you will do your best to make it the best for him. but for too many kids that is not the case. far from it. why would you bring a child into the world if you are going to make them live in your hell. if you hate your life, why make someone else live it? it's so selfish. we are such a me-generation. it makes me sick. i hate it. ah.

i think i'm making up for not posting for so long in this post. you should be happy carla, that is of course if you have read this far down.


here's a quote. this was a conversation that i had...with myself.

that goes in my "it makes me smile box"
oh? where's that?
i don't have one.

and you can quote me on that. i did.

another long january day

something interesting: i just discovered that my cat stalks my cursor on the computer screen. and now she is laying in my top desk drawer. she's given up my cushy bed next to me for my pokey desk. weird cat.

something terrible: i'm watching Save the Last Dance. I forgot until now how terrible that movie is.

something lonley: my roommates are gone until jan 22 and classes don't start until the 23rd. by the time classes start again i'll have been here by over a month by myself.

a side note: the cat just ate paper off my desk.

a recent purchase:
A Very Long Engagement. it's directed by Jean Pierre Jeunet. the same guy who directed Amelie. audrey tautou plays Mathilde, a young french woman who's fiance is executed for self mutilation while in a trench during world war one. she denies his death a swears that she will find him. like amelie, the colors tell a story. they are dark and drab, with the occasional burst of red or purple. i fall more in love with jeunet with each film i see.

melinda and melinda, a woody allen film. it debates the idea of a comedy versus a drama. and if the same story, that of a young jilted woman named melinda, could be better told as a comedy or drama. it fabulously intertwines both genres. i liked it.

empire records. i assume that everyone has seen this, even though i saw it for the first time in october. but it should be common knowledge that it is a fabulous movie, and i bought it for $5.50, so that pretty much makes it perfect.

a recent development: now i'm in the mood for a movie. but should i watch one of my own, or rent one. oh the dilemma's in life.

yep,

my last post proves it right. i'm full of crap.
this weekend was great. no need to be nervous
but now i feel sick.
and i don't see my health improving anytime soon