a fresh start

i decided to give my blog a face lift. it's been the same for a long time now, basically since i started it. as a matter of fact my first post was two years ago yesterday. it's my first second anniversary. as a matter of fact it's my only anniversary. that's sad. it's also coincidently my mom's birthday. strange.

so as i was saying it was time for a face lift. its like a hair cut, it makes you feel better. younger. rejuvenated. maybe this will give me the urge to update on a regular basis. or maybe if i had an exciting life i could.

work have been busy lately. i'm in charge of a new grant that governor mitch daniels has established for the boys and girls clubs of indiana. it's an educational program that ties in well with our existing power hour homework time, but now we have to document everything that the kids in the program do. it makes for a lot of extra work, and since i'm in charge of a large portion of this program, and because the program director is busy, and because i offered my services to him last week after a truly terrible staff meeting; i find my life being taken over by this stupid grant. between school and this PART TIME JOB, i'm working almost 16 hour days. and only getting paid for 2 of those hours, it's exhausting. i'm also in charge of the club olympics. that's not really that big of a deal, just a little programming and facilitating. it's what i'm trained to do, and what i love to do.

work has made me cry a lot lately. it's been so stressful. there are so many changes in the program, and none of it really seems to make sense, and sometimes it feels like the administration is forgetting about the kids. and i get to the point where i don't think i can go on anymore, and then i walk onto the floor and i get a hug from a child, or someone sits on my lap, or a teen shares something with me that they wouldn't tell anyone else; and then, it's worth it. and the fact that i don't make much money doesn't matter, and the fact that it's more of a volunteer position than a paid position, doesn't matter. and all the managerial stresses melt away, and maybe my bad attitude and my slight nazi like tendencies disappear, and i'm happy. and i'm making a difference. and i couldn't imagine not being here. i don't how i'm going to leave. i love each and every one of those kids, they're apart of who i am. they've helped to mold me into what i'm becoming, and maybe, just maybe, we're doing the same thing. maybe there's one kid who got a hug today, who otherwise wouldn't have. maybe i'm the only person who told them i was proud of them today. maybe this is the only place they can come where they feel valuable, included, and loved. and then it's worth it. it's so worth it.
it makes me wonder what i'm going to do when i graduate. i couldn't imagine not doing something like this. not making a difference or a change.

cory and carrie visited with me last friday on their way through indiana from vegas. it was so great to see them, i'm so glad their moving to cleveland. they'll be so much closer, and i'll actually get to see them. we had lunch together, nearly a two hour lunch. carrie told me that i should join the peace corps. she thinks that i'd be a perfect fit. i've started to think about it a little. i've even looked into it some. they offer loan deferment, which would be necessary. and i meet almost all qualifications for the working with youth opportunities, execpt one. they require that you have at least 6 months experience working full time with disadvantaged youth. by may i'll have nearly a year and a half of, technically, part time experience, but let's face it this is really a full time job. i've thought about seeing if i could find a program job at another boys and girls club and work there for a while, and then maybe think about the peace corps after that. how amazing would that be? going somewhere else! seeing the world! experiencing new things! meeting and loving kids! and why shouldn't i? i'm single, no prospects of marriage anytime soon, ever probably. and if i do get married, i want it to be to someone who has the same desires as me, maybe we could go into the peace corps together!...so why not?! there's nothing holding me back. nothing at all. i should just leap in with both feet. tell the nay sayer's to fuck off, and do it. oh, how amazing would that be.

and if not the peace corps, than maybe ameri corps. i've thought a little about that too. but something.
something.

random information: i'm getting my hair cut this weekend. it'll be for the first time since august. i used to get my hair cut every 6 weeks, and now it's every 6 months. i'm excited. layers, and side bangs. that's right folks, i'm following the crowd and i'm going to get side bangs. am i excited? oh yes, yes i am.

i'm watching america's funniest home videos. it's a really old episode. bob saget is the host. that's when the videos were really funny, i just saw a clip where a little girl got her pants pulled down. that makes me think of a story from tonight. and i must share.

a little boy was hiding under a pool table, i was standing in the door way about 25 yds away, yelling his name because he wasn't listening to me and wouldn't put his shoes on even though i told him to. so i walked over to the pool table and said, "come out from under there". another little boy decided to help him out, so he grabbed him by the legs and started to pull. unfortunatley he wasn't holding onto his feet, but on to his pants. his elastic waist running pants. the next thing i see is a little blond boy underneath the pool table and a little pair of spiderman underoo's staring back at me! i call out "Put your pants back on!" and of course ten kids turn around to look. i had to try to distract them from watching the little boy, who was still under the pool table, as he was putting his pants back on. it was the funniest thing i have ever seen. unfortunatley this was the same little boy who later on in the evening wigged out and took of running because he got in trouble and had to go home. i chased him up to the third floor and he started crying and screaming at me and telling me i wasn't his boss, then he ran past me and down the stairs right into his grandma's arms. she than stood there with him in her arms for nearly five minutes, as he struggled to get away. his face beat red, and the most guttural noises i have ever heard coming from his throat. he kicked and screamed and tried choking his grandma, and i just stood there. i couldn't leave them there, and i couldn't intervene because that would be taking the authority away from his grandma. so i just stood there and watched as she held onto her grandson until he calmed down enough that she could carry him down a flight of stairs. it was terrible, i've never seen him respond like that. it makes me wonder what kinds of things he's been through. i've heard some stories. and it's just not fair. why should a 6 year old have to live in a world like tnat. a world that is created by the ones who are supposed to care for him. (at this point i'm no longer talking about this specific child, but all children) i don't understand how a parent can bring a child into the world, and then force them to live in hell. it should be that when you have that child, no when you have sex, you are making a commitment. a commitment that says that you are participating in an act that could result in a child, and if that so happens, that you are promising that you will raise that child in a world that is not evil, that you will not inflict pain on them. and even if it means giving that child away, you will do your best to make it the best for him. but for too many kids that is not the case. far from it. why would you bring a child into the world if you are going to make them live in your hell. if you hate your life, why make someone else live it? it's so selfish. we are such a me-generation. it makes me sick. i hate it. ah.

i think i'm making up for not posting for so long in this post. you should be happy carla, that is of course if you have read this far down.


here's a quote. this was a conversation that i had...with myself.

that goes in my "it makes me smile box"
oh? where's that?
i don't have one.

and you can quote me on that. i did.