Sinking deeper into the pit.

The other day I took a personality test online.

It made me think. About my life, and my situation, and my capabilities, and my possibilities. It had me wanting to vomit when I went to bed. It made my mind race. Thoughts penetrated my brain and my soul. They pierced my psyche and my stomach. I fought sleep with iron knuckles. I refused to let myself go to that place between waking and dreaming. That place where you thumb through your fears and hopes, your disappointments, and insecurities. That place where they give you the finger and show you all of your faults. I refused to take that kind of abuse. So I used my only weapon. Exhaustion. Instant REM sleep.

And it worked, until they found me. Somewhere in my dreams, they found me. The thoughts took me hostage. They forced me to wake. They held me at knife point. They forced themselves through my brain. And I lay there, at 5 o'clock in the morning fending off the thoughts smashing through my skull. The Boulders that collided in my stomach. The phrases that reverberated in my ears and slid from my tongue.

"Unable to achieve relationships of the desired degree of mutual affection and understanding".
ISOlAtioN
"While she wants to surrender and let herself go, she regards this as a weakness which must be resisted...[to] ensure recognition as a unique and distinctive personality".
INsecure
"Wants interesting and exciting things to happen. Over-imaginative and given to fantasy or day-dreaming".
vOiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiD
Feels that things stand in her way, that circumstances are forcing her to compromise and forgo some pleasures for the time being.
FEAR
"Tries to emulate the characteristics she admires and to display originality in her own personality".
pOSeR

These thoughts dug through my brain, and caused my own mouth to turn on me. To speak blatant truths. To yearn for comforting lies; for the strength of reassurance. But it didn't come. And now I'm swimming through a sea of self doubt and second guessing.
Did I make the right choice? Am I just hiding? Should I be doing this?
There is so much doubt clouding my judgment. Or am I just afraid of life? Am I just trying to hid from responsibility?

I feel like I'm sinking. Into a deep pit. An abyss. And I don't know how to get out. Or if I even want to.

Or maybe I'm just stressed and getting sick. Yeah. That's probable it.