is it bad when you have to schedule time to breathe?

i'm very excited. i finally ordered a griffin house cd. i've been wanting one for a while now....although i did not get to see him live in concert for my birthday, perhaps some how this will make up for that. i'm ready for fall break...but i don't think tha ti t will be much of a break. i think that i might be going to detroit with dad, to visit cory..that is if he ever calls me back. i have a "chinese dinner date" with kade...there is a bonfire on saturday night, i'll go if i am not in michigan, sunday is college "bible study" not the most amazing lessons, but the fellowship will be nice. hopefully eileen can cut my hair this weekend, that would make me a very happy girl. i think i'm going to get in contact with julie and schedule a meeting for monday or tuesday, if possible, for an interview for a school project. i should probably spend some time with my mom....and maybe i'll take eric out for a movie date, and some steak and shake for a little sibling bonding. i'll be back on tuesday...classes wednesday, set up for fall fest on thursday....fall fest on thurday...possibly power house on friday...i think that there may have been something that i forgot. hmmm...oh yeah my needs project is due friday. crazy week. i think that next weekend will be my real "fall break".....can't wait for this half of the semester to be over!....then i can get a job!

i'm going to catch a dodo bird...

ewe. being a grown up is not for me...
a ewe is a large sheep like thing with big horns...
i played a horn in marching band...
it made me laugh when the pizza marched on the stage...
Papa John's....i loath thee...
oh how i love thee...let me count the ways...
at the count of 153 i'm getting up...
on top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese...
why do we relate food to how we feel about something...you're corny, he's a big ham..
mmmm...hawaiian pizza...
Papa Johns....i loath thee...
much ado about nothing...
fabulous...
where are they...
boredom...
loneliness...
loathing...
Oh how i loath thee papa johns...
mmm garlic bread...
free cold plates, are amazing...
the mutated fox makes me laugh...
Yahoo!...
when will super man IM me...
ANGRY FACE!...
papa johns...i loath thee!

Quotable Quotes

"If you're feeling a little depressed, just realize that everyone else in the room is attracted to you!"~Dr. Smith on Newton's law of Universal Gravitation.

MXPX vs. Adulthood.........Adulthood wins.

i think that today just might be my most hectic day of the semester....i'm not really looking forward to it. i woke up at 6 and won't go to bed until1:30ish. good news though i do get a half hour lunch break....aw crap i forgot to schedule time for dinner. hmm. i guess it's bolognia sandwiches again for me tonight. oh well. maybe i'll have time to do laundry today.....i had better, or no one will want to be around me tonight at power house. crap i have a paper due at 8 and it's 7:07. so i'm going to go read the article so i can spit it out and get dressed so i can be on time for my 8 o'clock. ewe.

Michindoh....oh how i miss thee.

blue monkeys, and purple oranges.

it's almost ten am. i'm going to take a nap. is it a nap if your roommate is hasn't even gotten out of bed yet? i'm stressed. i think that my hair will fall out in clumps. i think i will pull my hair out in clumps. shhhhh keyboard be quiet, you will wake up the roommate. shhh roommate be quiet you too will wake up the roommate. shhhh brain be quiet, you are making me go crazy. i'm stessed. i think i will shoot myself in the foot. my eyes are heavy. i am going to take my nap. i'm glad there is no chapel today, it bugged me yesterday. i'm stressed. i think i will sleep my life away. then i will never have to deal with any responsibilities. MXPX said it best: "Responsibiblity, what's that....Responsibility not quite yet". how much longer can i say not quite yet for? i think for only an hour or so, roommate why are you back? you are supposed to be in class. shhhhh you will wake up the roommate. i think i need to listen to a little MXPX. it's been a while. it's nostalgic. i'm going to bed. i'm not crazy, don't worry, and don't make me take the blue pill. i'll be fine. note to self...go to bed.

boom.

i think i might shoot myself in the foot. yes that sounds like fun

on and on and on and on and on and on

it's friday! that is an exciting thing, even though i'm not planning on doing anything this weekend. well actually i guess i am. i'm looking forward to working at the PERC tomorrow with the kids whose parents are up for homecoming. that'll be relaxing. i love playing with kids. it's been too long since i have got go be goofy. davis hall is tomorrow too! i' m excited about that too. nothing like seeing all of my crazy peers, begin crazy! there showing terminal in front of the HUB tomorrow too! i'm excited. that movie sounds good. yay for weekends when i get to do things that i enjoy. it's been a while since i've had the opportunity.

raspberry

stress.

don't ever walk in front of an elephant during allergy season. and never walk behind an elephant during intestinal disorder season.

my throat hurts. i don't like it. i just realized that i have an exam tomorrow. and then i realized that it's midnight. looks like it'll be a late night.

i think that it would be amazing to be a stand up comedian. i don't think that i'm funny enough though. tonight my roommate told me that i'm funny. but i think that in order to make a living out of it, i'd have to believe that i was funny. oh well i guess i'll just stick to this school thing. which might not go too well if i don't get to studying.

yesterday my friend kade asked me where i get my quotes for my away messages. i was delightfully surprised to discover that someone enjoyed them, and i think that he was delightfully surprised to discover that i came up with them. today i was delightfully surprised to discover that he had put one into his profile. i think it has been a week full of delightful surprises.

i made a new friend today. his name is buddy, i met him at walmart. i found him to be utterly enchanting. i brought him home with me. now he lives in my room. he makes me happy, i think that he will be one addition to our apartment that my roommates will tolerate. you should come visit him. and me too. you, yes you that's who i'm talking too. no there is no one behind you. i'm talking to you . you should come visit me.

my current thought from yesterday.....it is still a thought for today. although our phone rang tonight. it was not for me. it's never for me. oh well, i think i'll just become a hermit, and live in a cave in the woods. that way i can make friends with all of the woodland creatures before i shoot them and skin them and make them in to a lovely stew.

mmmm, stew. i had stew for dinner. it wasn't woodland creature stew, but it was equally delightful. it's still midnight. i wish i could roll back time. i find it more thrilling to write in fragments. it really adds to the feel of the page. it makes it more me.

i feel melodramatic right now. today i said that the food in the hub was monochromatic. carla didn't think that was the word i wanted to use. but it was. and the food was monochromatic. it was all brown. pretty boring. the entire environment was monochromatic today. even the people there. it was boring. my life is boring. but boring is stable and i like stability.

i went to a stable this summer. the horse was really big. it's feet were bigger than my face. all i could think about was how bad it would be if that horse decided to step on me. or sit on me. or crap on me. that would suck. mmmmm.....warm road apple pie.

i think i'm in need of psychiatric help. it's a good thing that both of my roommates are psych majors. otherwise other peolple would have to listen to me. they would think that i'm crazy.

kari visited today. it was really good to see her. i'm glad she's doing well. i miss fish feet.

this is a long blog.

i feel melodramatic. but that's ok. everybody has their days. i feel like i'm getting sick. not just physically but psychologically too. i wonder if you can get a psychological virus. i think so. i'm tired of being irritated. today was better.

i slept along time last night. but not tonight.

i can't go to michigan this weekend. i'm really sad about that. i was really looking forward to seeing cory and listening to griffin house. oh well. maybe some other time. cory needs to call me. cory if you are reading this: call me.

my birthday is on sunday. i turn 21. i go to a monochromatic christian liberal arts college. i don't have any money. my roommates are leaving this weekend. my family is a 186,000 light years away. i think i'll be spending it by myself watching extreme makeover: home edition (the 2 hour premier) and studying for a rec exam. welcome to adulthood.

i sound emo. maybe i am. this is a really long post. i don't know why i'm typing it here. all of huntington college campus will read it and think i'm depressed, and think i'm going to commit suicide, and send me to the nurse to a get a magic cure all blue pill that works for everything, but doesn't actually work for anything. oh well. no one knows who i am anyway. i think i like things like that. but that only adds to the one dimensional plane that is my life.

i want it to snow. i like the snow.

closure

i just realized that i don't have a life. and then i realized that i'm really ok with that.

i just realized that i'm probably going to fail my physics exam. and then i realized i'm really not ok with that.

i just realized that this blog is a frivolous waste of time. and then i realized that i'm glad.

i just realized i haven't gotten a job yet. and then i realized i really need to.

i just realized my roommates are amazing. and then i realized that i already new that.

i just realized that memories are amazing. and then i realized that sometimes they're not

i just realized that i'm more immature than even i thought. and then i realized that i'm more mature than even i thought.

i just realized that i almost had two panic attacks this week. and then i realized it's only tuesday.

i just realized that i'm stressed. and then i realized that would explain the panic attacks.

i just realized that i might be crazy. and then i realized that i don't know how i feel about that.

i just realized that i've never really realized anything before. and then i realized that i don't know what that means.

hey i just found a pack of gum under my desk!

emily got married this weekend. so weird. i never thought that i would feel like a grown up, but this weekend sure helped in opening my eyes. my best friend is married! i think that is the epitome of being a grown up. it was so weird to see her with her new husband, and even stranger to say it. the wedding was beautiful, it was surrounded around their love for God first, and i would expect nothing less. i saw some people that i haven't seen in years. the tori's were there. valerie is a senior this year. i used to babysit her. i never thought that i would ever say that i used to baby sit an adult....but i very nearly can. and marco and davie are so big now. gosh. the shriver kids! goodness! i didn't even recognize them! and little katherine zellers, she's got to be nearly nine. i babysat her before she could even walk. so weird. sunday is my birthday. i turn 21. i never thought i would be alive till the age 21. i don't know why. i've never been able to see myself as an adult. never been able to picture myself with a career, with a husband, with a family. i wonder why? the way things are going......i think i'm a psychic. hmmm 21. that seems so old. i never thought i'd be this old. i think i thought that when in turned 12. and 16. and 18. i'll probably think that when i turn 42. i think that for the first time ever it's dawning on me that this is my life. that i'm not practicing for something yet to come. but i'm living it. when i think of things that way it's a little depressing. i've done so little in the 21 years i've been allowed to be on this earth. i think i want to do something about that. yeah i'm pretty sure i do. but what? i don't know. probably nothing. or maybe something. i can't believe emily is married! she's on her honeymoon right now. i can't picture myself ever being on a honeymoon. sometimes i wonder why people get married in the first place. it just seems like the reasons are, petty. maybe that's because i've never felt like that for anyone one. you know that love thing. i don't know if i'll ever get married. i definitely won't right now, i'm clearly not ready. i heard someone say that he thought that he might be a modern day paul, and never get married. i think that i might be a "pauline". at this point....well it just seems like there is no point. i think i've heard that line before...oh yeah, crazy guitar prof guy said that a lot. well crazy guitar prof guy i think that you may have something there. i think that this is the longest entry that i have made in a long time. if you make it to this line i'll give you twenty-five thousand dollars. no i won't. i just wanted to make you think that you haven't wasted the last five minutes of your time. i know i have. i think i sound whiney and self-loathing. i'm not. i just wanted you to know that too. hey aaron just got online. maybe i'll go talk to him. i wonder how tangent is. i hope he and his brother made it through the hurricane alright. keep him in your prayers. i hope john is ok. one last piece of advice before i go boy's and girls: never run with scissors. but if you do, run really fast with the ends pointing up. cause if your going to go....might as well make it interesting.

i had an interesting epiphany.

Concerning Ivan....

if it begins to lightning, be sure that you don't stand outside grasping a flag pole, wearing nothing but a medieval suite of armor.

pumba?.....the shoe or the farting pig....

so you know that song from the lion king? circle of life?

From the day we arrive on the planet
And blinking, step into the sun
There's more to see than can ever be seen
More to do than can ever be done
There's far too much to take in here
More to find than can ever be found
But the sun rolling high
Through the sapphire sky
Keeps great and small on the endless round

It's the Circle of Life
And it moves us all
Through despair and hope
Through faith and love
Till we find our place
On the path unwinding
In the Circle
The Circle of Life

well recently i guess i've been noticing how live really is a circle. now although i don't completely, or doctrinally agree with the song, i think that it does potentially have some truth to it. it seems like i'm begining to relive my life over again. things that have happened once are beginning to happen again. perhaps it should be a "once shame on them.....twice shame on me", sort of thing. but it seems like so much more than that......like perhaps my entire life has just been a preparation for what is to come, and now things are coming. i seem to know how to handle new issues as they come my way....or maybe that just growing up, becoming a mature adult. hmm, that's something to ponder isn't it? growing up i mean. we spend our entire lives preparing to grow up.....we spend our child hood learning how to cope with Jr. High. We spend Jr. High learning how to cope with High School. High School trains us for College, college for "the real world". and "the real world" is our opportunity to prepare for retirement. and retirement is our time for what? our time to finally take the chance to play? to act like a kid? except by then i'll probably be too old an decrepit to to walk five steps let alone skip. i think it's pretty twisted the way that our socitey has decided to classify our lives. how they want us to be children so that we can "play" as a way to prepare ourselves for adult hood. and they want us as adults to "play" as a way to destress. pretty crazy how the world turns isn't it. i think that sometimes i type, and type, and type and the only thing interesting that comes out of my fingers, is what can be interpreted by psychologist and psychoanalyst who probably just think that i'm a nut case anyway right? hmmm.....i think....i think that.....

one more day....

one more day till my liberation....one more day till my independence....one more day till my imprisonment.

7 years.......norah jones

Spinning, laughing, dancing to
Her favorite song
A little girl with nothing wrong
Is all alone

Eyes wide open
Always hoping for the sun
And she'll sing her song to anyone
That comes along

Fragile as a leaf in autumn
Just fallin' to the ground
Without a sound

Crooked little smile on her face
Tells a tale of grace
That's all her own

Spinning, laughing, dancing to her
Favorite song
A little girl with nothing wrong
And she's all alone

nothing but monkey business

so i think that for the first time in my life i understand the phrase, "working for the clock". never in my life have i had a job where so much of your mind is occupied by the time.  i'm not saying that i have a job that is completely dictated by time management......no no no far from it.  rather i'm saying that my new job is factory work.  and i have never in my life been in an environment that seems so reminiscent of a cattle farm, managed not by a farm hand..........but by a mechanical time clock!   it's amazing to just watch the other employees.  they check the clock every five minutes to see how long to lunch:.......2 hrs.....1 1/2 hrs......1 hr.....10 minutes.   the check the clock to see how long till the shift is over....for when to clock in.....when to clock out.  and then, when  the clock finally gives permission to leave, it's like someone's holding a cattle prod to our butts as we RUN for the door.  the past two days have opened my eyes.  i don't want to live for my job. it feels like all i do is sleep and work.  because i work the afternoon shift i don't have time for my friends, i don't have time for family.....i can't imagine ever making this a career.  i've once heard it said that, and i quote: "a monkey could do this job!".  and it is so true.  i don't think that there is really anything more intellectually demeaning than factory work.  we are being paid to do what in other  parts of the country machines are doing.  machines without a brain, without feelings, and without pride.  yet we are expected to fulfill the job requirements with just as much speed and efficiency as it.  i've always been told that working in a factory would make me thankful for my education, and i thought that was probably just a bunch of malarky.....but it really is true.  just as corny and expected as it is.....working in a factory truly has made me thankful for the brief amount of education that i have so far been privileged enough to take on.  i will say this though........i think that those who choose to make factory life their career, really do deserve a lot of credit.  it takes a strong demeanor and a strong back to do something like that......a strength that i don't know that i can keep for much longer.

mmmmmm, warm road apple pie

HOLY CRAP IT'S TUESDAY!

ultra strength endurance for ultra strength B.O.

things are going......nice and slow just the way i like it!  i think that sometimes is wish that i could just fast forward my life....skip all of this boring mundane crap that i currently find myself struggling to stay afloat in.......hmmm i wonder if you can float in crap......to just skip ahead and leave it all behind.  to get on with the things that i want to do rather than just enduring it. but i suppose that i learn more things by enduring than i would through fast-forwarding.  oh well until the day that they invent the technology or the wishing dust like in 13 going on 30...i'll just endure.  i think that's what i'm suppose to do anyway. besides i don't really know what the carp i'm blubbering about. things aren't so bad, perhaps a little boring, but not bad.   i just need to get the things done taht need to be done........oh on a happier note:  I went to the doctor and got medicine for my ear ache!  now don't you just feel like the weight of the world has been lifted off of your shoulders?  it's still on my ear though...but fear not hopefully after 10 drops a day for 7 days i will be able to hear normally again!  yay for doctor's!