hey i just found a pack of gum under my desk!

emily got married this weekend. so weird. i never thought that i would feel like a grown up, but this weekend sure helped in opening my eyes. my best friend is married! i think that is the epitome of being a grown up. it was so weird to see her with her new husband, and even stranger to say it. the wedding was beautiful, it was surrounded around their love for God first, and i would expect nothing less. i saw some people that i haven't seen in years. the tori's were there. valerie is a senior this year. i used to babysit her. i never thought that i would ever say that i used to baby sit an adult....but i very nearly can. and marco and davie are so big now. gosh. the shriver kids! goodness! i didn't even recognize them! and little katherine zellers, she's got to be nearly nine. i babysat her before she could even walk. so weird. sunday is my birthday. i turn 21. i never thought i would be alive till the age 21. i don't know why. i've never been able to see myself as an adult. never been able to picture myself with a career, with a husband, with a family. i wonder why? the way things are going......i think i'm a psychic. hmmm 21. that seems so old. i never thought i'd be this old. i think i thought that when in turned 12. and 16. and 18. i'll probably think that when i turn 42. i think that for the first time ever it's dawning on me that this is my life. that i'm not practicing for something yet to come. but i'm living it. when i think of things that way it's a little depressing. i've done so little in the 21 years i've been allowed to be on this earth. i think i want to do something about that. yeah i'm pretty sure i do. but what? i don't know. probably nothing. or maybe something. i can't believe emily is married! she's on her honeymoon right now. i can't picture myself ever being on a honeymoon. sometimes i wonder why people get married in the first place. it just seems like the reasons are, petty. maybe that's because i've never felt like that for anyone one. you know that love thing. i don't know if i'll ever get married. i definitely won't right now, i'm clearly not ready. i heard someone say that he thought that he might be a modern day paul, and never get married. i think that i might be a "pauline". at this point....well it just seems like there is no point. i think i've heard that line before...oh yeah, crazy guitar prof guy said that a lot. well crazy guitar prof guy i think that you may have something there. i think that this is the longest entry that i have made in a long time. if you make it to this line i'll give you twenty-five thousand dollars. no i won't. i just wanted to make you think that you haven't wasted the last five minutes of your time. i know i have. i think i sound whiney and self-loathing. i'm not. i just wanted you to know that too. hey aaron just got online. maybe i'll go talk to him. i wonder how tangent is. i hope he and his brother made it through the hurricane alright. keep him in your prayers. i hope john is ok. one last piece of advice before i go boy's and girls: never run with scissors. but if you do, run really fast with the ends pointing up. cause if your going to go....might as well make it interesting.