raspberry

stress.

don't ever walk in front of an elephant during allergy season. and never walk behind an elephant during intestinal disorder season.

my throat hurts. i don't like it. i just realized that i have an exam tomorrow. and then i realized that it's midnight. looks like it'll be a late night.

i think that it would be amazing to be a stand up comedian. i don't think that i'm funny enough though. tonight my roommate told me that i'm funny. but i think that in order to make a living out of it, i'd have to believe that i was funny. oh well i guess i'll just stick to this school thing. which might not go too well if i don't get to studying.

yesterday my friend kade asked me where i get my quotes for my away messages. i was delightfully surprised to discover that someone enjoyed them, and i think that he was delightfully surprised to discover that i came up with them. today i was delightfully surprised to discover that he had put one into his profile. i think it has been a week full of delightful surprises.

i made a new friend today. his name is buddy, i met him at walmart. i found him to be utterly enchanting. i brought him home with me. now he lives in my room. he makes me happy, i think that he will be one addition to our apartment that my roommates will tolerate. you should come visit him. and me too. you, yes you that's who i'm talking too. no there is no one behind you. i'm talking to you . you should come visit me.

my current thought from yesterday.....it is still a thought for today. although our phone rang tonight. it was not for me. it's never for me. oh well, i think i'll just become a hermit, and live in a cave in the woods. that way i can make friends with all of the woodland creatures before i shoot them and skin them and make them in to a lovely stew.

mmmm, stew. i had stew for dinner. it wasn't woodland creature stew, but it was equally delightful. it's still midnight. i wish i could roll back time. i find it more thrilling to write in fragments. it really adds to the feel of the page. it makes it more me.

i feel melodramatic right now. today i said that the food in the hub was monochromatic. carla didn't think that was the word i wanted to use. but it was. and the food was monochromatic. it was all brown. pretty boring. the entire environment was monochromatic today. even the people there. it was boring. my life is boring. but boring is stable and i like stability.

i went to a stable this summer. the horse was really big. it's feet were bigger than my face. all i could think about was how bad it would be if that horse decided to step on me. or sit on me. or crap on me. that would suck. mmmmm.....warm road apple pie.

i think i'm in need of psychiatric help. it's a good thing that both of my roommates are psych majors. otherwise other peolple would have to listen to me. they would think that i'm crazy.

kari visited today. it was really good to see her. i'm glad she's doing well. i miss fish feet.

this is a long blog.

i feel melodramatic. but that's ok. everybody has their days. i feel like i'm getting sick. not just physically but psychologically too. i wonder if you can get a psychological virus. i think so. i'm tired of being irritated. today was better.

i slept along time last night. but not tonight.

i can't go to michigan this weekend. i'm really sad about that. i was really looking forward to seeing cory and listening to griffin house. oh well. maybe some other time. cory needs to call me. cory if you are reading this: call me.

my birthday is on sunday. i turn 21. i go to a monochromatic christian liberal arts college. i don't have any money. my roommates are leaving this weekend. my family is a 186,000 light years away. i think i'll be spending it by myself watching extreme makeover: home edition (the 2 hour premier) and studying for a rec exam. welcome to adulthood.

i sound emo. maybe i am. this is a really long post. i don't know why i'm typing it here. all of huntington college campus will read it and think i'm depressed, and think i'm going to commit suicide, and send me to the nurse to a get a magic cure all blue pill that works for everything, but doesn't actually work for anything. oh well. no one knows who i am anyway. i think i like things like that. but that only adds to the one dimensional plane that is my life.

i want it to snow. i like the snow.

closure

i just realized that i don't have a life. and then i realized that i'm really ok with that.

i just realized that i'm probably going to fail my physics exam. and then i realized i'm really not ok with that.

i just realized that this blog is a frivolous waste of time. and then i realized that i'm glad.

i just realized i haven't gotten a job yet. and then i realized i really need to.

i just realized my roommates are amazing. and then i realized that i already new that.

i just realized that memories are amazing. and then i realized that sometimes they're not

i just realized that i'm more immature than even i thought. and then i realized that i'm more mature than even i thought.

i just realized that i almost had two panic attacks this week. and then i realized it's only tuesday.

i just realized that i'm stressed. and then i realized that would explain the panic attacks.

i just realized that i might be crazy. and then i realized that i don't know how i feel about that.

i just realized that i've never really realized anything before. and then i realized that i don't know what that means.

hey i just found a pack of gum under my desk!

emily got married this weekend. so weird. i never thought that i would feel like a grown up, but this weekend sure helped in opening my eyes. my best friend is married! i think that is the epitome of being a grown up. it was so weird to see her with her new husband, and even stranger to say it. the wedding was beautiful, it was surrounded around their love for God first, and i would expect nothing less. i saw some people that i haven't seen in years. the tori's were there. valerie is a senior this year. i used to babysit her. i never thought that i would ever say that i used to baby sit an adult....but i very nearly can. and marco and davie are so big now. gosh. the shriver kids! goodness! i didn't even recognize them! and little katherine zellers, she's got to be nearly nine. i babysat her before she could even walk. so weird. sunday is my birthday. i turn 21. i never thought i would be alive till the age 21. i don't know why. i've never been able to see myself as an adult. never been able to picture myself with a career, with a husband, with a family. i wonder why? the way things are going......i think i'm a psychic. hmmm 21. that seems so old. i never thought i'd be this old. i think i thought that when in turned 12. and 16. and 18. i'll probably think that when i turn 42. i think that for the first time ever it's dawning on me that this is my life. that i'm not practicing for something yet to come. but i'm living it. when i think of things that way it's a little depressing. i've done so little in the 21 years i've been allowed to be on this earth. i think i want to do something about that. yeah i'm pretty sure i do. but what? i don't know. probably nothing. or maybe something. i can't believe emily is married! she's on her honeymoon right now. i can't picture myself ever being on a honeymoon. sometimes i wonder why people get married in the first place. it just seems like the reasons are, petty. maybe that's because i've never felt like that for anyone one. you know that love thing. i don't know if i'll ever get married. i definitely won't right now, i'm clearly not ready. i heard someone say that he thought that he might be a modern day paul, and never get married. i think that i might be a "pauline". at this point....well it just seems like there is no point. i think i've heard that line before...oh yeah, crazy guitar prof guy said that a lot. well crazy guitar prof guy i think that you may have something there. i think that this is the longest entry that i have made in a long time. if you make it to this line i'll give you twenty-five thousand dollars. no i won't. i just wanted to make you think that you haven't wasted the last five minutes of your time. i know i have. i think i sound whiney and self-loathing. i'm not. i just wanted you to know that too. hey aaron just got online. maybe i'll go talk to him. i wonder how tangent is. i hope he and his brother made it through the hurricane alright. keep him in your prayers. i hope john is ok. one last piece of advice before i go boy's and girls: never run with scissors. but if you do, run really fast with the ends pointing up. cause if your going to go....might as well make it interesting.

i had an interesting epiphany.

Concerning Ivan....

if it begins to lightning, be sure that you don't stand outside grasping a flag pole, wearing nothing but a medieval suite of armor.

pumba?.....the shoe or the farting pig....

so you know that song from the lion king? circle of life?

From the day we arrive on the planet
And blinking, step into the sun
There's more to see than can ever be seen
More to do than can ever be done
There's far too much to take in here
More to find than can ever be found
But the sun rolling high
Through the sapphire sky
Keeps great and small on the endless round

It's the Circle of Life
And it moves us all
Through despair and hope
Through faith and love
Till we find our place
On the path unwinding
In the Circle
The Circle of Life

well recently i guess i've been noticing how live really is a circle. now although i don't completely, or doctrinally agree with the song, i think that it does potentially have some truth to it. it seems like i'm begining to relive my life over again. things that have happened once are beginning to happen again. perhaps it should be a "once shame on them.....twice shame on me", sort of thing. but it seems like so much more than that......like perhaps my entire life has just been a preparation for what is to come, and now things are coming. i seem to know how to handle new issues as they come my way....or maybe that just growing up, becoming a mature adult. hmm, that's something to ponder isn't it? growing up i mean. we spend our entire lives preparing to grow up.....we spend our child hood learning how to cope with Jr. High. We spend Jr. High learning how to cope with High School. High School trains us for College, college for "the real world". and "the real world" is our opportunity to prepare for retirement. and retirement is our time for what? our time to finally take the chance to play? to act like a kid? except by then i'll probably be too old an decrepit to to walk five steps let alone skip. i think it's pretty twisted the way that our socitey has decided to classify our lives. how they want us to be children so that we can "play" as a way to prepare ourselves for adult hood. and they want us as adults to "play" as a way to destress. pretty crazy how the world turns isn't it. i think that sometimes i type, and type, and type and the only thing interesting that comes out of my fingers, is what can be interpreted by psychologist and psychoanalyst who probably just think that i'm a nut case anyway right? hmmm.....i think....i think that.....