maybe positive reinforcement really is just a pipe dream

i thought this was gone.
i thought it was done.
wasn't twice enough?
no, because now it's back.
in full force to bite us in the ass.
and more people are hurting.
and more people are broken.
but it seems to be a game.
something to cure the boredom.
to get some attention.
but it's not a game.
it's a life.
and not only yours.
it's mine,
and theirs.
and we only get one.
do you know that?
only one.
that's it
no redo.
so don't fuck it up.
don't treat it like it doesn't matter.
realize that it does.
that you are loved.
and you don't have to pull this shit.
not to see it.
it's there.
i've cried enough.
i don't know how to handle it anymore.
i don't have to be doing this.
but i do.
in some sick way i'm prepared.
i've done this before.
and if history is anything,
i'll do it again.
because that's what we do right?
we save you.
we always have.
and always will.
that's what love is.
it's not a boomerang.
it's not meant to come back.
but it's mend to heal the wounds.
the wounds it caused.
but will it?
i don't' know.
i don't think i know anything anymore.
i know i don't want to see you throw it away
so much potential
you should bask in it.
relish it.
it's there.
for you.
and you alone.
see it.
open your eyes.
embrace it.
love it.
want it.
find a passion.
for something.
something good.
somethings steeped in possibility.
there's a world of it you know?

i feel like i've had enough.
i don't know how much more of this i can take.
i don't think i've even had much of it.
perhaps it is a good sign that it is time to move on.
to another place.
with other people.
other people who need love.
people who don't see their potential.
people who want to play a game.
people who want to fuck with your mind.
is that all we are?
all we do?
what kind of a world is that?
why do we have to live in a world where we can't see?
where we choose not to see?
where we'd rather live in our own squalor than in riches
in riches that are available.
right in front of us.
why do we stay in the cave and watch the shadows?
why are we so afraid to see reality.
its so much better
not always good
sometimes it's bad
most of the time its bad.
but fuck, it's real
and that's got to be worth something.

let the scales fall from our eyes.

Upside down is right!

i'm listening to jack johnson's UpsideDown, from the Curious George Soundtrack, it's playing on X102.3, dood that just wrong.

all things molly ringwald...

it is wednesday of spring break and all ready i feel like bashing my head into a wall. i'm so bored. i wish i had the funds to go somewhere. but alas.

i am going to cleveland tomorrow. cory has thursday and maybe friday off, so i get to go visit them. pretty exciting, i haven't really seen them much since they were in vegas all of the way back in october. we're going to the st. patty's day parade and then to his new restaurant...Lolita. i love eating where he works. it's always so much fun.

i had plans for break. big academic plans. plans that would make your head explode. plans to write three papers and start 2 more. plans to study for a dante exam so i can graduate. plans to brainstorm a project. what have i done so far? slept in till 11 everyday and watched 3 episodes of america's next top model. got hooked on UPN from detriot...and the hip-hop versions of the golden girls, full house, and designing women; and dyed my hair.

however, i did start an application for AmeriCorps. Yet another option for post graduation. It seems a little less daunting than the Peace Corps, boasting a 1 year commitment, a $4,750 education credit, and a meager living allowance. plus it would give me tons of practical experience in a slightly more comfortable setting. i did find an organization that i would really like to work for. it's youth organization in Randel, Washigton. Sounds like it's similar to the Boys and Girls Club, so hat would be familiar, but maybe too familiar. Maybe i'm not pushing myself enough. And if i'm not going to use this experience to try new things, that maybe i should just get a full time job working in a Boys and Girls Club. But where? And is that what i really want to do? AHHHH! I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO! I want someone to tell me, but be prepared because when you do, i'll probably snap at you for trying to control my life, i only say that from experience. I like the idea that it would only be a 1 year commitment. It's a lot less daunting than 2. And the fact that i see a 2 year stint in The peace Corps as a horrifyingly long time, is probably a good indicator that i am NOT ready to be married. God it makes me want to throw up just thinking about it. So for all of you men who were thinking about proposing to me this weekend...You had better think again!...when you read that in your head, please hear it as i was saying it. Like a Sista! with fingers snapping and head waggling, because that just makes it all the better.

i watched sixteen candles and the breakfast club this weekend. i realize that i was 1 and 2 years old when they were made, but i still love them. it makes me want to watch pretty in pink. i think i'm on a slight molly ringwald craze.

my toes are numb, it's cold in here. and i'm bored. did i mention that i'm bored? because i am.

the end.
did you know that when you type "the end." it makes a really amazing rhythm.
the end.
the end.
the end.
and "point" is my favorite word to type. well actually "poin" is, but that's not a real word. you should try to type it. poin is a gentle rolling of the fingers, and all of the letters are on the same hand. it's fabulous. poin.
the end.

some things i've realized lately

*i need to be more "ballzie".
*i can't wait for life to happen, i have to make it happen
*i'm longing for may 13
*i'm dreading may 12.
*i love the names olivia and annabelle.
*i'm going to name my daughters olivia and annabelle
*maybe the reason stupid comments irritate me is that they are true
*or maybe they are just stupid comments
*i don't' know many people
*today i had a kiss from a boy. he was 8.
*that is incredibly depressing
*i need to be more "ballzie"