Jamie's Soliloquies

To corps, or not to corps: that is the question:
Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to volunter to stop the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,
Or to not take arms against a sea of troubles, and by opposing not end them?
To go: to live; Forever more; and by going to say we end the heart ache and the thousand natural shocks that flesh is heir to, 'tis a consummation devoutly to be wish'd. To stay, to sleep;
To sleep: perchance to dream: ay, there's the rub;
For in t hat sleep what dreams may come when we have shuffled off this mortal coil,
must we give us pause: there's the respect
That makes calamity of so long life;
For who would bear another man's whips and scorns of time,
The oppressor's wrong, the proud man's contumely,
The pangs of despised love, the law's delay, the insolence of office and the spurns
that patient merit of unworthy takes,
When he himself might his quietus make with a single choice? who would fardels bear,
To grunt and sweat under a weary life,
But that the dread of something after death
The undiscover'd country from whose bourn
No Traveller returns, puzzles the will
And makes us rather bear those ills we have
Than fly to others that we know not of?
Thus conscience does make coward of us all;
And thus the native hue of resolution
Is sicklied o'er with the pale cast of thought,
And enterterprises of great pitch and moment
Is it with this regard their currents turn awry,
And lose the name of action?-------

Coin Operated Boy by the Dresden Dolls

coin operated boy
sitting on the shelf he is just a toy
but i turn him on and he comes to life
automatic joy
that is why i want a coin operated boy

made of plastic and elastic
he is rugged and long-lasting
who could ever ever ask for more
love without complications galore
many shapes and weights to choose from
i will never leave my bedroom
i will never cry at night again
wrap my arms around him and pretend....

coin operated boy
all the other real ones that i destroy
cannot hold a candle to my new boy and i'll
never let him go and i'll never be alone
not with my coin operated boy......

this bridge was written to make you feel smittener
with my sad picture of girl getting bitterer
can you extract me from my plastic fantasy
i didnt think so but im still convinceable
will you persist even after i bet you
a billion dollars that i'll never love you
will you persist even after i kiss you
goodbye for the last time
will you keep on trying to prove it?
i'm dying to lose it...
i want it
i want you
i want a coin operated boy.

and if i had a star to wish on
for my life i cant imagine
any flesh and blood could be his match
i can even take him in the bath

coin operated boy
he may not be real experienced with girls
but i know he feels like a boy should feel
isnt that the point that is why i want a
coin operated boy
with his pretty coin operated voice
saying that he loves me that hes thinking of me
straight and to the point
that is why i want
a coin operated boy.

another day

my heart is pulling out my chest tonight.
it's longing to be with someone else.
somewhere else.
maybe someday it will.

my soul doesn't know where its supposed to be.
or with whom.
maybe someday it will.

i'm tired of this pointlessness.
i need a purpose.
something to strive for.
someone to protect.

everything seems to be at a stand still.
not moving,
but rushing by.
never ending.

i don't know what i'm typing.
i'm full of crap.
and a little lonely.

mitch's kids sucks my face, and is taking over my life. so far this week i have spent four hours updating files. that's four hours that i couldn't be with my kids, four hours that i couldn't run MY programs. tomorrow is the final day of the olympics. the olympics that i planned. and i was only able to see see two events. TWO EVENTS! it makes me sort of sad. i wouldn't mind it if this was part of my job, if this is what i had signed on for. if i was, oh let's say the program director. but i'm not. i'm a part time employee. uh. now i'm just venting. because i can. i miss the kids. even though i saw them, i miss them. i feel like i'm missing out on so much. i didn't get a dylan shivley hug today. i only sent one kid to time out! and then i forgot about him and no one told me he was still in time out and his five minute time out grew to 25 minutes, because mitch's kids is sucking out my brain! now i have to write my philosophy of recreation. it's due tomorrow. we had a nasty storm, and i layed on my bed for almost an hour waiting for the poswer to go out. it didn't. i wasted an hour because i was waiting for an excuse to tell her why i didn't write my paper. i've known about it since the first day of classes, and yet i'm not doing it.

i wish i had something worth while to write about, and the remote. i don't want to watch who's line.

in case you wanted to know, i just farted. and it stinks.

and now to my paper. i think i'm going to listen to some music. oh! i bought fiona apple's new cd a few weeks ago. partically because of jonny rice's postings about her, partically because thought the music video for "Not about Love" was amazing, but mostly because i had the extreme urge to buy a cd and that was the first one tha came to mind...and sight.

shit. my Word is closing. i think i have a virus. maybe i do have an excuse now. i guess it's a good thing that i've only written one sentence so far. and not a very good one at that. damn, i lost my definition of recration. oh well, i'll just have to spend a few more minutes of wasted time looking on the internet. shame.

i need to learn to say no. i'm not going to have time to breath if i keep this up. why am i such a people pleaser?

a fresh start

i decided to give my blog a face lift. it's been the same for a long time now, basically since i started it. as a matter of fact my first post was two years ago yesterday. it's my first second anniversary. as a matter of fact it's my only anniversary. that's sad. it's also coincidently my mom's birthday. strange.

so as i was saying it was time for a face lift. its like a hair cut, it makes you feel better. younger. rejuvenated. maybe this will give me the urge to update on a regular basis. or maybe if i had an exciting life i could.

work have been busy lately. i'm in charge of a new grant that governor mitch daniels has established for the boys and girls clubs of indiana. it's an educational program that ties in well with our existing power hour homework time, but now we have to document everything that the kids in the program do. it makes for a lot of extra work, and since i'm in charge of a large portion of this program, and because the program director is busy, and because i offered my services to him last week after a truly terrible staff meeting; i find my life being taken over by this stupid grant. between school and this PART TIME JOB, i'm working almost 16 hour days. and only getting paid for 2 of those hours, it's exhausting. i'm also in charge of the club olympics. that's not really that big of a deal, just a little programming and facilitating. it's what i'm trained to do, and what i love to do.

work has made me cry a lot lately. it's been so stressful. there are so many changes in the program, and none of it really seems to make sense, and sometimes it feels like the administration is forgetting about the kids. and i get to the point where i don't think i can go on anymore, and then i walk onto the floor and i get a hug from a child, or someone sits on my lap, or a teen shares something with me that they wouldn't tell anyone else; and then, it's worth it. and the fact that i don't make much money doesn't matter, and the fact that it's more of a volunteer position than a paid position, doesn't matter. and all the managerial stresses melt away, and maybe my bad attitude and my slight nazi like tendencies disappear, and i'm happy. and i'm making a difference. and i couldn't imagine not being here. i don't how i'm going to leave. i love each and every one of those kids, they're apart of who i am. they've helped to mold me into what i'm becoming, and maybe, just maybe, we're doing the same thing. maybe there's one kid who got a hug today, who otherwise wouldn't have. maybe i'm the only person who told them i was proud of them today. maybe this is the only place they can come where they feel valuable, included, and loved. and then it's worth it. it's so worth it.
it makes me wonder what i'm going to do when i graduate. i couldn't imagine not doing something like this. not making a difference or a change.

cory and carrie visited with me last friday on their way through indiana from vegas. it was so great to see them, i'm so glad their moving to cleveland. they'll be so much closer, and i'll actually get to see them. we had lunch together, nearly a two hour lunch. carrie told me that i should join the peace corps. she thinks that i'd be a perfect fit. i've started to think about it a little. i've even looked into it some. they offer loan deferment, which would be necessary. and i meet almost all qualifications for the working with youth opportunities, execpt one. they require that you have at least 6 months experience working full time with disadvantaged youth. by may i'll have nearly a year and a half of, technically, part time experience, but let's face it this is really a full time job. i've thought about seeing if i could find a program job at another boys and girls club and work there for a while, and then maybe think about the peace corps after that. how amazing would that be? going somewhere else! seeing the world! experiencing new things! meeting and loving kids! and why shouldn't i? i'm single, no prospects of marriage anytime soon, ever probably. and if i do get married, i want it to be to someone who has the same desires as me, maybe we could go into the peace corps together!...so why not?! there's nothing holding me back. nothing at all. i should just leap in with both feet. tell the nay sayer's to fuck off, and do it. oh, how amazing would that be.

and if not the peace corps, than maybe ameri corps. i've thought a little about that too. but something.
something.

random information: i'm getting my hair cut this weekend. it'll be for the first time since august. i used to get my hair cut every 6 weeks, and now it's every 6 months. i'm excited. layers, and side bangs. that's right folks, i'm following the crowd and i'm going to get side bangs. am i excited? oh yes, yes i am.

i'm watching america's funniest home videos. it's a really old episode. bob saget is the host. that's when the videos were really funny, i just saw a clip where a little girl got her pants pulled down. that makes me think of a story from tonight. and i must share.

a little boy was hiding under a pool table, i was standing in the door way about 25 yds away, yelling his name because he wasn't listening to me and wouldn't put his shoes on even though i told him to. so i walked over to the pool table and said, "come out from under there". another little boy decided to help him out, so he grabbed him by the legs and started to pull. unfortunatley he wasn't holding onto his feet, but on to his pants. his elastic waist running pants. the next thing i see is a little blond boy underneath the pool table and a little pair of spiderman underoo's staring back at me! i call out "Put your pants back on!" and of course ten kids turn around to look. i had to try to distract them from watching the little boy, who was still under the pool table, as he was putting his pants back on. it was the funniest thing i have ever seen. unfortunatley this was the same little boy who later on in the evening wigged out and took of running because he got in trouble and had to go home. i chased him up to the third floor and he started crying and screaming at me and telling me i wasn't his boss, then he ran past me and down the stairs right into his grandma's arms. she than stood there with him in her arms for nearly five minutes, as he struggled to get away. his face beat red, and the most guttural noises i have ever heard coming from his throat. he kicked and screamed and tried choking his grandma, and i just stood there. i couldn't leave them there, and i couldn't intervene because that would be taking the authority away from his grandma. so i just stood there and watched as she held onto her grandson until he calmed down enough that she could carry him down a flight of stairs. it was terrible, i've never seen him respond like that. it makes me wonder what kinds of things he's been through. i've heard some stories. and it's just not fair. why should a 6 year old have to live in a world like tnat. a world that is created by the ones who are supposed to care for him. (at this point i'm no longer talking about this specific child, but all children) i don't understand how a parent can bring a child into the world, and then force them to live in hell. it should be that when you have that child, no when you have sex, you are making a commitment. a commitment that says that you are participating in an act that could result in a child, and if that so happens, that you are promising that you will raise that child in a world that is not evil, that you will not inflict pain on them. and even if it means giving that child away, you will do your best to make it the best for him. but for too many kids that is not the case. far from it. why would you bring a child into the world if you are going to make them live in your hell. if you hate your life, why make someone else live it? it's so selfish. we are such a me-generation. it makes me sick. i hate it. ah.

i think i'm making up for not posting for so long in this post. you should be happy carla, that is of course if you have read this far down.


here's a quote. this was a conversation that i had...with myself.

that goes in my "it makes me smile box"
oh? where's that?
i don't have one.

and you can quote me on that. i did.