i need some pepto bismal.

i was reading through some old posts today. and now i have the desire to update. UPDATE:
I'm going to camp for a staff reunion/new years party. i'm really nervous, i'm not sure why. these are the same people that i spent two months with this summer. maybe that's why i'm nervous. my camp me is very different from my school me. but i don't want to be fake. but i'm afraid the school me will scare the crap out of these people. all of the memories i have from camp are so-so. i know i had a good time at camp, but i always seem to focus on the negative. i think that makes me nervous too. what if they focus on the negative? then everyone will see that i'm a fraud. that i have no idea what i'm doing. and they'll hate me. i think that pretty much sums up my fears. i have a returning staff application, but i don't know what to do with it. if i should fill it out or not. it makes me feel nauseous just thinking about it.ugh. they're hiring a program director. i want to be a program director. it seems like a good idea. but it also makes me uneasy. i've thought about trying for a job at a boys and girls club. i guess i'll just wait and see how things go tonight. ugh. i need to clean and pack so i can get there by 8. ugh....

i read a blog today. it made me cry. it wasn't exceptionally touching, or emotional. but i related, and i cried.

i watched a documentary entitled paper clips yesterday. it made me cry. it wasn't genuinely touching. and i could feel the emotion that they were trying to invoke, and yet i cried.

i was a barnes and nobles yesterday. i didn't not cry. i was christmas shopping, but i wanted to buy books for me. lots of books. hundreds of books. thousands of books. i saw one entitled The Protestant Ethic and the Spirit of Capitalism. i read the first page and wanted to keep reading it. it took all of my self-control to put it down.

apparently tomorrow is christmas. which means today is the day before chrismas. chirstmas eve day, and later it will be christmas eve. i'm here in huntington still. trying to find the motivation to pack the car and drive home. soon.

rambling on and on

the sci-fi channel has had a mini x-files marathon today. that means four glorious hours of mulder and scully. most of which seem to be based on religious encounters or dare i say myths. which of course means role reversal for mulder and scully, and that of course is my favorite kind of episode. perhaps this means it will be a good day at work. or maybe i'm getting the good part of the day done before i head in. that would be terrible.

i have crafts today. i think we're supposed to paint ornaments or something. but i think instead i'm going to do god's eyes. popsicle sticks and yarn in the craft cabinets means a free craft. i had a new schedule for work in my box yesterday. there was no explanation whatsoever. i'm biting my lip over it. i've encountered worked with staff who have had a difficult time adjusting to change. and i've seen people get too personally involved in their jobs. so much so that they forget who they are serving. and i've been the recipient of out-lashes regarding both of those things. and i don't want to be like that. the best interest is in mind. i need to remain calm. this will be good. i need to be patient and accepting. and slowly discuss things with my boss. i just need to sort things out. to get some answers. that's all. things will be ok. i will not become what i have not been able to handle. i will NOT initiate the situations that i have hated.

christmas is in four days. i have not done any christmas shopping. i have not thought about it at all. i don't know what to get. or even when i will have time to do so.

new years is in a week and a half. i'm still not sure what i'm doing. to pvm or not to pvm, that is the question. thoughts are floating around in my brain and i don't know how to make sense of them. i can't tell what is truth and what i've made up. i'm not sure. too many questions, and not enough answers. have i changed? or am i finally expressing myself? or am i in denial?

i love the x-files. such deep topics camouflaged in aliens and elvis impersonations. actually i'm not sure that there was an episode with elvis or not. but it sounds like something they would do. and so they should have.

how many choices could we have made, and how many lives could we have lead. so many possibilities, but only room for one ending. how do you know if you are making the right choice. not the one that everyone else is making, but the right one?

i'm questioning, everything. and i have no answers for anything.

my favorite x-files christmas episode is on later today, and i'm going to miss it. sad.

i have a bebe in my lap. she's trying to type with me, and foot is vibrating because she keeps purring.

i have not updated in a long time. i do not regret it. i've had nothing to say. that's a lie. as usual i have a lot to say, just nothing of importance.

the semester has ended. work was cancelled yesterday. minus my last 8 o'clock exam of the semester, i had the whole day off. the roommates are gone now. so i'm going to do nothing today, except clean my room and do some laundry and go to work.

yesterday i decided i wanted to have 10 hooded sweatshirts, enough for two full weeks of classes without running out. then last night we the club gave us a new hooded staff sweatshirt, now i'm only three away from my goal. so if anyone is reading this, and wondering what to get me. it should be a hooded sweat shirt, preferably one with writing on it. something amazing. more than ten would be amazing as well, so don't worry about getting the same thing as someone else.

last night at our work white elephant gift exchange, i got a shark's tale. i haven't seen it yet, so i think i'm going to put it in. either that or some dave matthews, i've been craving him for a few weeks now. i think dave will be more productive than a movie i haven't seen before.

ok, the end