back in the saddle

i finished two books this weekend, The Catcher in the Rye and Franny and Zooey. It just felt like a salinger sort of weekend. classes start today. in 40 minutes actually. i don't know that i'm fully prepared for them to start. but at the same time i'm more than ready to get this last year over with. have i said that my internet is working? well, my internet is working. that makes me extremely happy. now i can spend hours and hours of my time looking up asinine things and talking with people. or maybe not. i have a book on my desk. it's begging me to read it. i don't know if i will. but i really want to. i love reading. i think the humanities will kill me.

unhappy hump day

my mom and i had an argument today. she said that it was wednesday, but i was convinced it was thursday. we argued about it for nearly three minutes until she brought me a calendar and i realized that i was wrong. its wednesday. i hate that it is only wednesday. i woke up thinking that i left for school tomorrow. but no. not until friday. blah. i can't wait to get back to school. i'm ready to have my wireless back. i can't wait to have the internet in the same room that i sleep. i can't wait to have my aim. with all of my amazing away messages. i can't wait to write more away messages. i can't wait to start planning for my job this year. i have my schedule for the first week. lots of hours, and i'm looking forward to every minute of it! only two more days and i get to move in. to have roommates again. to be in a place that is sort of my own. to be on the road to a life that is my own.

i'be been home for a few days now, and it has led to some hardcore thinking and a few realizations.

1. I'm finally getting my hair cut and colored tomorrow. and there was much rejoycing...yay.

2. I leave for school in exactly 10 days. I am nowhere near ready.
a. I need to clean my corner of the basement
b. I need to clean the spare room.
c. I need to clean my car.
d. I need to call my roommates and find out what i need to take.

3. I haven't done anything since i've been home. I have watched almost 10 movies in the last three days...but i don't think that is anything to write home about. Especially since i'm at home and i don't even find it to be very exciting...so why would i take the time to write a letter to myself?

4. This is a retarded post. I don't like the fact that i'm typing it. And to show my disdane for this post, i'm going to publish it without spell checking it. i think if i spell check it it will give me enough time to decide that i don't really want to publish it and i'll delete it.

5. AH! THE END!

ramblings and mutterings

finally...after 12 weeks of being on the move...i am sitting. and i'm making the most of it. yesterday i seriously spent the entire day on the couch watching movies. i left the house once...to go to the library to get more movies. i haven't felt this lazy in a long time. and it's fantastic! although i have to admit, i do feel a little guilty.

so canada was great. relaxing. i went swimming in the georgian bay. it was freezing cold, but absolutely beautiful! we swam to a cave. no one else was there and it felt like we were the only ones who had ever found it (if you ignored the poop that was on a ledge that had a strong resemblance to human....blah...)...it was fantastic. White stone beaches. crisp, clear blue water. cliff jumpers, and snorkelers. it was beautiful.

school starts in almost ten days. that seems so strange to me. it doesn't feel like it should be starting soon. i have so much to do to prepare for it. i'm not ready. but i so want it to start. i'm more than ready to go back.

i found a jump drive on like mega sale at office max. i think i'm going to find out when the close and see if i have time to go yet tonight. it would be nice. i could get some stuff done for school from home. hmm....i wonder what their number is....

its all over now

It is Friday, August 5, 2005. And that means it is finally the last day of camp. I don't really know what that means. This summer has been completely bi-polar. Crazy highs where you think you just might die from lack of oxygen, to crazy lows where it feels like you are going to be crushed to death from the weight of the world. It's so strange how living in one place, with the same 40 people for 9 weeks, can make it seem as though the things that happen here is the only reality. Like there is nothing else beyond the borders. Sometimes I feel like I'm the one who is trapped in a dark cave. With shadows being my only reality. And maybe I'm too afraid to step outside and see what else there is. Or maybe I don't believe that there is anything outside the cave. But that can't be true. Actually I know that it is NOT true. There is so much more out side of this place. SO much more that the world has to offer. This is sort of depressing and I don't think that I really want to type about it anymore. BUT! I can tell you that I want to keep typing. Because I'm in an empty room. And the only thing that I hear is an air conditioner and the sound of my fingers on the key board. And at this moment in time. That is really all that I want to hear. The repetitive click, click, click, of my fingers flying across the keys and definitively pressing a button. Watching the letter appear on the screen. Seeing the words form. Flowing into sentences. Complete thoughts and ideas streaming across the screen. Concreting what I am feeling and the things that are going through my brain. And even though the things that I am currently typing have nothing to do with anything...I want to keep typing. Because as long as I am typing, I'm doing something moderately productive. Something with my hands. Something with my mind. Something with my eyes. Something with my ears. And I guess it reminds me of school. It'll be starting soon and I need to unstick my typing fingers. And regrease my brain. I feel like I haven't used it much this summer. I've felt that way every summer since I first started school. Something happens to me in the summer time and I don't use my brain. And I don't think things through. Which is quite frankly evident by some of the events this summer, especially this week. And at the same time, I'm always using my brain. And always problem solving. With is quite frankly evident by some of the events from this past week.

never before have I experienced a week like this. So many stresses. So many blessings. So many kids who just need. They need to be loved. The need to know that they are loved. They need to be trusted. They need rules. They just need so much. So much more than I can give them. Way more than I can give them. And they remind me of my kids. They are so alike. Kids from the inner city. They suffer with the same situations. With parents who aren't around. Parents who work all of the time. With drugs, alcohol, abuse, evictions, deaths, fights, loneliness. And they need so much. So much more than we can give them. Sometimes I just with there was a fix button that I could push. Just one button that would make things better. One button that would give them everything they need. One button that would take away their suffering, and their hurt, and their loneliness. Something that would give them love, and assurance, and understanding. I hope that camp was that button for some of them. I KNOW that some of them experienced things here this week that they have never had the opportunity to experience before. And for some of them, they will never get to experience again. It makes me want to get back to school. To see all of the kids at the club. To give them a GIANT side hug. And ask them how there summer is going. To play Honey If You Love Me with Jordan, to hug Autumn, to play pool with Gary, to help Jeffrey with his homework. To give them a place where they are safe. And where they are loved. And where they can come to find safety and security.

my favorite memory from this summer happened this week. Jake and Joe. They just needed to be loved. And they were loved more by their counselors than any camper ever before. And even though they had to leave early, there was still a change. A change for the better. A catalyst. Something leading to things so much better. So much bigger. Perhaps a seed was planted. I only pray that the seed can be nurtured. That they will continue to grow. That there will be someone there to love them.

Ahhh...What a bi-polar summer. So many ups and downs. But all leading to one amazing conclusion. Too bad I don't quite know what that is yet.