lamentations

I've been church hopping for, well the last few years. Partially because I keep moving, and partially because I find myself becoming incredibly disgruntled with the church of today. I can never seem to find one that "fits". I've started to think that perhaps I'm the one that doesn't fit. Or rather, that it is highly unlikely that I'm going to find the perfect church. So I've decided to pick up my search again, looking for the key elements in a church.

I'm not sure of what all those elements are. Certainly theology and doctrine; that is first and foremost. I think I'm also looking for a place with a certain style of worship. And some place that is warm and welcoming. A place where I can actually get involved and grow, rather than feeling stifled and like an outsider.

So this morning was the first of my quest for a church here in Columbia, MD. I discovered a church just a few miles away. It 's your typical contemporary non-denominational evangelical christian church. Full of non-conforming WASPS between the ages of 20 and 40. Looking for that church that isn't their parents church. I've been to them before, and regardless of location or demographic, they undeniable similarities. The choice of music, the service layout, I think even some of the people are exact clones. But this one seems to stand apart from the others.

For the first time in a while, it felt genuine; not like a rock concert. That was nice. And I enjoyed the sermon. The pastor is doing a series on the characteristics of Christ. Focusing each Sunday on a specific characteristic, and how we can embody it. Today he spoke on humility using the passage of Jesus washing the disciples feet as his primary biblical reference.

This is a popular topic in the christian realm. Particularly if you've come from a christian college, like me. The topic was familiar as were most of the bullet points. The reason why Jesus washed the feet. The significance of the action. The likely reaction of the disciples. How we should be willing to humble ourselves. But then he said something that I've never heard before. He said that in order to truly humble ourselves, we have to know who we are, where we came from and where we are going; of course this is in regards to your spiritual life.

This is a truly frightening concept for me. It brings to the surface all of the thoughts I've been struggling with for the past few months. I can see where I am, not that I necessarily like where I currently find myself in my spiritual life, but I think I can be honest enough with myself to say it out loud, although perhaps not in front of anyone. I'm sure I can see where I've come from. I can evaluate my past, and break it into specific moments, measurable instances. I can see where I've come from. But the most frightening is where I'm going. Because I don't know what to say.

Because I'm confused. I have a terrible habit of over analyzing everything. It's one thing when it is political candidate, or a book. But a whole other story when it is my belief system. My biggest fear is being ignorant. And so I've started to sort through my beliefs. Why do I believe in God. Should I believe in God. How can he possibly be real? How can I believe in some one that I've never met. That I've never seen. They lock you up for that kind of thing. They make movies about people who talk to and believe in people who are clearly not there. Hollywood has made millions upon millions of dollars on these diseases. Oprah and Dr Phil have aired hundreds of shows. The general American public sits in their living room and shakes their heads and says, "It's so sad. How could someone possibly believe in something that is clearly not there?" The pharmaceutical companies pump patients full of pills to normalize their brain chemistry. And yet millions of people believe in a god that we've never seen. I just don't under stand. They say that Faith is believing in what you cannot see. But this is what I can't grasp. How can I have faith in something I can't see?

I had a similar discussion with a co-worker. They said that you can't have faith in an object, only in a person. You don't have faith in that a chair will hold you up, but faith in the person that created the chair, to make it sturdy. But I don't. I have faith in the chair. I never think about the person. I don't care about the person. I've never met them, I've never seen them. But I've seen the chair, and I trust that it will hold me. If this is my definition of faith, then does that mean that I have no faith in the god that created this world because I've never met him? But I have faith in the world, because I've seen it move and I've seen it tick?

Ugh, I just don't know what to think. I end up talking myself in circles until I get so frustrated that I think perhaps I'll just be agnostic and worry about the consequences later. That is how I seem to run my life.

This is the most random thing, and it's depressing me just thinking about it. But maybe someone will read this and understand. Maybe they could give some input. Doubtful, but maybe.