Turns out I'm easily distrated....

big surprise there.

Passion

To what extent should passion factor into decisions?

Automaton

Lately I've been thinking about automaton's. They are really quite beautiful. Intricate pieces of machinery woven together; and when in working order, create a being nearly completely self-sufficient. Di Vinci, in 1495, sketched his plans for an automaton that, when built, moved its arms, turned its head, and could sit up all on its own. In 1739 Jacques de Vaucanson built a duck that could eat a grain of wheat, and then defecate. Voltaire is quoted as saying without the duck, there would be nothing to remind you of the glory of France. Automatons have only become more complex and developed. There are robots to sweep and mop your floors; disarm bombs; build cars. It's amazing how much time, energy and expense we are willing to put into these machines.

But are we devoting too much time to these pursuits? Are we becoming a society that is so desirous of the perfect being, that we are willing to loose the relational aspect that makes us human?

I think it can be seen in the things that we have, the stuff that we use. Our iPods, our computers, even our phones. We can check the weather, a baseball score, or who has been kicked off American idol, all with out leaving the comfort of our homes, or our heads for that matter. Perhaps we are inadvertently creating a generation of human automatons through our technological advances; by providing ourselves with technology that allows us to function with little to no assistance from others.

At times I feel a bit like a machine. I'm constantly being fed a stack of information, expected to process and file, and start again; all this with little to no human interaction, just me and my old think pad. But is this how it should be? I don't think God created us in the image of the Defecating Duck. As a matter of fact, I know he didn't. He created us to be in his image; a piece of him.

I'm currently reading Searching for God Knows What by Donald Miller. I just finished the chapter entitled Naked. In it, Miller talks about the beginning. About how God created Adam, and had him name all the animals. And the whole time Adam kept looking for a helpmate, but he couldn't find one. And he was lonely. So after he was finished naming the animals, God put him to sleep, and created Eve. Moses sums up this information in two chapters, but Miller speculates that it probably took nearly a hundred years. Adam and Even were over 100 when they had children. This would mean, that for nearly 100 years, Adam searched the planet looking for someone else. Looking for his helpmate. Now, Adam was the first man. The first perfect man. Created in God's image. His DNA and soul, at this point, hadn't been mucked up by sin. So the man that we see wondering the garden with God, and searching for another, is in fact the most concentrated version of God that a human has ever been, (well aside from Jesus). He was what we were to be. And he had a desire, a need for someone else. If Adam was lonely, and needed someone to help him, to help complete him, then why should we expect to be different?

It is a shame that we are striving to live in a self-automated society. We should throw technology to the side, even if only for an hour, and embrace the need for others. I'd much rather be an image of God, then of a defecating duck.

Rock and a hard place.

Today is the end of Session 2. For some reason, in my head, it is the end of session 3. I keep saying it. I almost typed it. I don't know why I think it is the end of sess 3, but I do. Maybe I just want it to be.

I had a minor mental break down the other night. Now I'm left to ponder. I had a really great talk with Lisa last night that left me thinking even more. I feel like I need to schedule a meeting to discuss some of those thoughts. But the implications are a little to big right now, and I don't think I want or could deal with them. I'm not really sure what to do. Something should be done, but I fear that there is only one end result of a conversation like that. And I'm not ready.

All of this is stressing me out, and yesterday i almost had a visceral reaction. That would have been moui unfortuante. The nausia has passed, but now I just have heart burn, and what feels like the start of a could be panic attack. But mainly I'm just full of shit, and I need to suck it up and get over it.

It was my decision; My word. I knew what I was signing up for. I said I would stay, and I will show integrity, and I will stay. Maybe I hsould just find some way to compensate in the off-season. And fine something positive in the summer. I'm finding that hard to do.

I got caught up on two questions yesterday. 1) What do you love about your job? 2) What do you dislike about your job? I couldn't come up with an answer for number one. Not a single thing about the actuall position. Sure there are things about the company, the vision, the people that I enjoy. But those aren't my job. They have virtually nothing to do with my job. So as far as my actuall job is concerned....what do I love?....do I even like my positions?...I could probably come up with some answer about setting up the opportunity for counselors to make an impact in campers lives. But that is really crap. I guess I like some of the analytical thinking that goes along with it. But the answers to number 2 far out way that.

So what do I do?

a long day.
the kind that could end in tears.
the kind that leaves me questioning. questioning everything. my strengths, my skills, my passion.
the kind that leaves me desperate and searching.
searching for what?
searching for god knows what.

i stumbled upon a few websites today.
the kind that make my mind whirl faster, and my heart beat harder.
the kind that shows me a glimpse of what i could be, who i could be, who i want to be.

but i've committed myself.
to one more year at least.
i said i would, and so i will.
but i'm not sure how.

Here's Your Card!

I had a phone call at work today. It went a little something like this:

Janet:Hi Jamie, this is Janet. I'm putting together the church directory. You listed your work number as your primary contact. Are you sure this is the number you want to use? You don't want to use a home number?

Jamie:No, this number is the best way to get ahold of me.

Janet:...Ok...What is Jamie short for?

Jamie:........Jamie.....It's not short for anything.

Janet: Oh?... So....Jamie...is your REAL name?

Jamie:...Yea....