Wednesday, May 17, 2006
Sunday, May 14, 2006
the bitter...
my last day of work was friday. i only cried a little. but i have tons of pictures, and memories to keep me going. and i'm coming back in june for a visit, so it'll be ok.
the sweet...
I GRADUATED FROM COLLEGE YESTERDAY!...well not technically, but i did walk, and so now i pretty much consider myself a grad. i need to come back in june and take a dantes to make it official,but none the less....
no more pencils,
no more books,
no more teachers dirty looks!
HUZAH!
my last day of work was friday. i only cried a little. but i have tons of pictures, and memories to keep me going. and i'm coming back in june for a visit, so it'll be ok.
the sweet...
I GRADUATED FROM COLLEGE YESTERDAY!...well not technically, but i did walk, and so now i pretty much consider myself a grad. i need to come back in june and take a dantes to make it official,but none the less....
no more pencils,
no more books,
no more teachers dirty looks!
HUZAH!
Sunday, May 07, 2006
insomnia sucks face
i want to sleep. but i can't. so here i sit; with sore eyes and a racing brain. i keeping thinking of all the things i have to do. all the things i want to do. i graduate in less than a week. and then...and then...i'd like to have an end to that thought. but i don't. maybe i will soon. maybe. but i don't want to speak out of place. and so i wait.
i had an idea earlier today. it came to me while i was showering. it would be amazingly fun. and feasible. but i don't want to say it, just in case i actually decide to do it. then it can be a surprise! oh evil scheming, how i have missed you, it has been far to long my friend!
i finished painting my room today. it only took three months. i'm pathetic. i just couldn't seem to find the motivation. but now i'm finished, and just in time for the party that i'm going to have for the jrs. it hasn't sunk in yet. the fact that my last day is friday. i know it, but it hasn't' sunk in. i don't' think the kids really realize it either. they seem to be surprised every time we mention it. it makes me teary eyed just thinking of it. Friday Kassy asked me how to do Jr. Jams. It's going to be her program after i leave. that was my program. i started it. they were my jrs. but not any more. ahhh. i wasn't expecting to become attached when i started last january. but i am. those stinking kids took my heart. and now a part of it will be with them forever. but, i think i'm going to come for whitney's reception this summer, and maybe if i time it right, i'll be able to make it to the club for the last part of the night. that would be wonderful. and Lisa and I are already planning on making a special trip to visit in September, just before I leave for the year. And you had better believe that if I end up somewhere west of here, i'm going to stop by on my way home next summer. Josh said something about making it back for March of Dimes; it could be a staff reunion day. Nicole and Sean, Lisa, Kim and Brandon, and Me, we could all come back just to walk 7 miles with a bunch of people that had a huge impact on our college careers. that sounds pretty nice.
ah enough.
look towards the future. to the next bunch of kids that are going to take my heart. to the next person who i give my heart to.
someday.
i had an idea earlier today. it came to me while i was showering. it would be amazingly fun. and feasible. but i don't want to say it, just in case i actually decide to do it. then it can be a surprise! oh evil scheming, how i have missed you, it has been far to long my friend!
i finished painting my room today. it only took three months. i'm pathetic. i just couldn't seem to find the motivation. but now i'm finished, and just in time for the party that i'm going to have for the jrs. it hasn't sunk in yet. the fact that my last day is friday. i know it, but it hasn't' sunk in. i don't' think the kids really realize it either. they seem to be surprised every time we mention it. it makes me teary eyed just thinking of it. Friday Kassy asked me how to do Jr. Jams. It's going to be her program after i leave. that was my program. i started it. they were my jrs. but not any more. ahhh. i wasn't expecting to become attached when i started last january. but i am. those stinking kids took my heart. and now a part of it will be with them forever. but, i think i'm going to come for whitney's reception this summer, and maybe if i time it right, i'll be able to make it to the club for the last part of the night. that would be wonderful. and Lisa and I are already planning on making a special trip to visit in September, just before I leave for the year. And you had better believe that if I end up somewhere west of here, i'm going to stop by on my way home next summer. Josh said something about making it back for March of Dimes; it could be a staff reunion day. Nicole and Sean, Lisa, Kim and Brandon, and Me, we could all come back just to walk 7 miles with a bunch of people that had a huge impact on our college careers. that sounds pretty nice.
ah enough.
look towards the future. to the next bunch of kids that are going to take my heart. to the next person who i give my heart to.
someday.
Friday, April 28, 2006
...All things must come to an end.
My college career included. Only two weeks left. TWO WEEKS! Unbelievable. It doesn't seem like 4 years has passed, but it has. And it's time to move onto the next step in my life. I've decided on AmeriCorps. I'm in contact with a few organizations, working on finding the right fit. All of them are youth organizations of some sort, and none of them are in the Midwest! HOW EXCITING! I'm not sure where I'll be in September, but I'm really looking forward to it.
I'm starting to get a little sad about leaving work. It makes me want to cry. The other day I told two girls that I only had three weeks left. Chels was so angry with me. She kept telling me: "It's Not FAIR!" It's going to be incredibly hard to leave. I'm going leaving part of my heart behind; I love those kids with so much of me. I've already decided that I'm going to come back for a few days before I leave for a year in a foreign state. And then another visit when I'm finished. Everyone there has been such a big part of making me who I am, ah, I'm done.
today I realized I have a flicker account. So I just up loaded a few pictures. I think I'll link it to my bloc this weekend.
that's all.
I'm starting to get a little sad about leaving work. It makes me want to cry. The other day I told two girls that I only had three weeks left. Chels was so angry with me. She kept telling me: "It's Not FAIR!" It's going to be incredibly hard to leave. I'm going leaving part of my heart behind; I love those kids with so much of me. I've already decided that I'm going to come back for a few days before I leave for a year in a foreign state. And then another visit when I'm finished. Everyone there has been such a big part of making me who I am, ah, I'm done.
today I realized I have a flicker account. So I just up loaded a few pictures. I think I'll link it to my bloc this weekend.
that's all.
Wednesday, March 29, 2006
maybe positive reinforcement really is just a pipe dream
i thought this was gone.
i thought it was done.
wasn't twice enough?
no, because now it's back.
in full force to bite us in the ass.
and more people are hurting.
and more people are broken.
but it seems to be a game.
something to cure the boredom.
to get some attention.
but it's not a game.
it's a life.
and not only yours.
it's mine,
and theirs.
and we only get one.
do you know that?
only one.
that's it
no redo.
so don't fuck it up.
don't treat it like it doesn't matter.
realize that it does.
that you are loved.
and you don't have to pull this shit.
not to see it.
it's there.
i've cried enough.
i don't know how to handle it anymore.
i don't have to be doing this.
but i do.
in some sick way i'm prepared.
i've done this before.
and if history is anything,
i'll do it again.
because that's what we do right?
we save you.
we always have.
and always will.
that's what love is.
it's not a boomerang.
it's not meant to come back.
but it's mend to heal the wounds.
the wounds it caused.
but will it?
i don't' know.
i don't think i know anything anymore.
i know i don't want to see you throw it away
so much potential
you should bask in it.
relish it.
it's there.
for you.
and you alone.
see it.
open your eyes.
embrace it.
love it.
want it.
find a passion.
for something.
something good.
somethings steeped in possibility.
there's a world of it you know?
i feel like i've had enough.
i don't know how much more of this i can take.
i don't think i've even had much of it.
perhaps it is a good sign that it is time to move on.
to another place.
with other people.
other people who need love.
people who don't see their potential.
people who want to play a game.
people who want to fuck with your mind.
is that all we are?
all we do?
what kind of a world is that?
why do we have to live in a world where we can't see?
where we choose not to see?
where we'd rather live in our own squalor than in riches
in riches that are available.
right in front of us.
why do we stay in the cave and watch the shadows?
why are we so afraid to see reality.
its so much better
not always good
sometimes it's bad
most of the time its bad.
but fuck, it's real
and that's got to be worth something.
let the scales fall from our eyes.
i thought it was done.
wasn't twice enough?
no, because now it's back.
in full force to bite us in the ass.
and more people are hurting.
and more people are broken.
but it seems to be a game.
something to cure the boredom.
to get some attention.
but it's not a game.
it's a life.
and not only yours.
it's mine,
and theirs.
and we only get one.
do you know that?
only one.
that's it
no redo.
so don't fuck it up.
don't treat it like it doesn't matter.
realize that it does.
that you are loved.
and you don't have to pull this shit.
not to see it.
it's there.
i've cried enough.
i don't know how to handle it anymore.
i don't have to be doing this.
but i do.
in some sick way i'm prepared.
i've done this before.
and if history is anything,
i'll do it again.
because that's what we do right?
we save you.
we always have.
and always will.
that's what love is.
it's not a boomerang.
it's not meant to come back.
but it's mend to heal the wounds.
the wounds it caused.
but will it?
i don't' know.
i don't think i know anything anymore.
i know i don't want to see you throw it away
so much potential
you should bask in it.
relish it.
it's there.
for you.
and you alone.
see it.
open your eyes.
embrace it.
love it.
want it.
find a passion.
for something.
something good.
somethings steeped in possibility.
there's a world of it you know?
i feel like i've had enough.
i don't know how much more of this i can take.
i don't think i've even had much of it.
perhaps it is a good sign that it is time to move on.
to another place.
with other people.
other people who need love.
people who don't see their potential.
people who want to play a game.
people who want to fuck with your mind.
is that all we are?
all we do?
what kind of a world is that?
why do we have to live in a world where we can't see?
where we choose not to see?
where we'd rather live in our own squalor than in riches
in riches that are available.
right in front of us.
why do we stay in the cave and watch the shadows?
why are we so afraid to see reality.
its so much better
not always good
sometimes it's bad
most of the time its bad.
but fuck, it's real
and that's got to be worth something.
let the scales fall from our eyes.
Monday, March 20, 2006
Upside down is right!
i'm listening to jack johnson's UpsideDown, from the Curious George Soundtrack, it's playing on X102.3, dood that just wrong.
Wednesday, March 15, 2006
all things molly ringwald...
it is wednesday of spring break and all ready i feel like bashing my head into a wall. i'm so bored. i wish i had the funds to go somewhere. but alas.
i am going to cleveland tomorrow. cory has thursday and maybe friday off, so i get to go visit them. pretty exciting, i haven't really seen them much since they were in vegas all of the way back in october. we're going to the st. patty's day parade and then to his new restaurant...Lolita. i love eating where he works. it's always so much fun.
i had plans for break. big academic plans. plans that would make your head explode. plans to write three papers and start 2 more. plans to study for a dante exam so i can graduate. plans to brainstorm a project. what have i done so far? slept in till 11 everyday and watched 3 episodes of america's next top model. got hooked on UPN from detriot...and the hip-hop versions of the golden girls, full house, and designing women; and dyed my hair.
however, i did start an application for AmeriCorps. Yet another option for post graduation. It seems a little less daunting than the Peace Corps, boasting a 1 year commitment, a $4,750 education credit, and a meager living allowance. plus it would give me tons of practical experience in a slightly more comfortable setting. i did find an organization that i would really like to work for. it's youth organization in Randel, Washigton. Sounds like it's similar to the Boys and Girls Club, so hat would be familiar, but maybe too familiar. Maybe i'm not pushing myself enough. And if i'm not going to use this experience to try new things, that maybe i should just get a full time job working in a Boys and Girls Club. But where? And is that what i really want to do? AHHHH! I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO! I want someone to tell me, but be prepared because when you do, i'll probably snap at you for trying to control my life, i only say that from experience. I like the idea that it would only be a 1 year commitment. It's a lot less daunting than 2. And the fact that i see a 2 year stint in The peace Corps as a horrifyingly long time, is probably a good indicator that i am NOT ready to be married. God it makes me want to throw up just thinking about it. So for all of you men who were thinking about proposing to me this weekend...You had better think again!...when you read that in your head, please hear it as i was saying it. Like a Sista! with fingers snapping and head waggling, because that just makes it all the better.
i watched sixteen candles and the breakfast club this weekend. i realize that i was 1 and 2 years old when they were made, but i still love them. it makes me want to watch pretty in pink. i think i'm on a slight molly ringwald craze.
my toes are numb, it's cold in here. and i'm bored. did i mention that i'm bored? because i am.
the end.
did you know that when you type "the end." it makes a really amazing rhythm.
the end.
the end.
the end.
and "point" is my favorite word to type. well actually "poin" is, but that's not a real word. you should try to type it. poin is a gentle rolling of the fingers, and all of the letters are on the same hand. it's fabulous. poin.
the end.
i am going to cleveland tomorrow. cory has thursday and maybe friday off, so i get to go visit them. pretty exciting, i haven't really seen them much since they were in vegas all of the way back in october. we're going to the st. patty's day parade and then to his new restaurant...Lolita. i love eating where he works. it's always so much fun.
i had plans for break. big academic plans. plans that would make your head explode. plans to write three papers and start 2 more. plans to study for a dante exam so i can graduate. plans to brainstorm a project. what have i done so far? slept in till 11 everyday and watched 3 episodes of america's next top model. got hooked on UPN from detriot...and the hip-hop versions of the golden girls, full house, and designing women; and dyed my hair.
however, i did start an application for AmeriCorps. Yet another option for post graduation. It seems a little less daunting than the Peace Corps, boasting a 1 year commitment, a $4,750 education credit, and a meager living allowance. plus it would give me tons of practical experience in a slightly more comfortable setting. i did find an organization that i would really like to work for. it's youth organization in Randel, Washigton. Sounds like it's similar to the Boys and Girls Club, so hat would be familiar, but maybe too familiar. Maybe i'm not pushing myself enough. And if i'm not going to use this experience to try new things, that maybe i should just get a full time job working in a Boys and Girls Club. But where? And is that what i really want to do? AHHHH! I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO! I want someone to tell me, but be prepared because when you do, i'll probably snap at you for trying to control my life, i only say that from experience. I like the idea that it would only be a 1 year commitment. It's a lot less daunting than 2. And the fact that i see a 2 year stint in The peace Corps as a horrifyingly long time, is probably a good indicator that i am NOT ready to be married. God it makes me want to throw up just thinking about it. So for all of you men who were thinking about proposing to me this weekend...You had better think again!...when you read that in your head, please hear it as i was saying it. Like a Sista! with fingers snapping and head waggling, because that just makes it all the better.
i watched sixteen candles and the breakfast club this weekend. i realize that i was 1 and 2 years old when they were made, but i still love them. it makes me want to watch pretty in pink. i think i'm on a slight molly ringwald craze.
my toes are numb, it's cold in here. and i'm bored. did i mention that i'm bored? because i am.
the end.
did you know that when you type "the end." it makes a really amazing rhythm.
the end.
the end.
the end.
and "point" is my favorite word to type. well actually "poin" is, but that's not a real word. you should try to type it. poin is a gentle rolling of the fingers, and all of the letters are on the same hand. it's fabulous. poin.
the end.
Tuesday, March 07, 2006
some things i've realized lately
*i need to be more "ballzie".
*i can't wait for life to happen, i have to make it happen
*i'm longing for may 13
*i'm dreading may 12.
*i love the names olivia and annabelle.
*i'm going to name my daughters olivia and annabelle
*maybe the reason stupid comments irritate me is that they are true
*or maybe they are just stupid comments
*i don't' know many people
*today i had a kiss from a boy. he was 8.
*that is incredibly depressing
*i need to be more "ballzie"
*i can't wait for life to happen, i have to make it happen
*i'm longing for may 13
*i'm dreading may 12.
*i love the names olivia and annabelle.
*i'm going to name my daughters olivia and annabelle
*maybe the reason stupid comments irritate me is that they are true
*or maybe they are just stupid comments
*i don't' know many people
*today i had a kiss from a boy. he was 8.
*that is incredibly depressing
*i need to be more "ballzie"
Sunday, February 26, 2006
Jamie's Soliloquies
To corps, or not to corps: that is the question:
Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to volunter to stop the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,
Or to not take arms against a sea of troubles, and by opposing not end them?
To go: to live; Forever more; and by going to say we end the heart ache and the thousand natural shocks that flesh is heir to, 'tis a consummation devoutly to be wish'd. To stay, to sleep;
To sleep: perchance to dream: ay, there's the rub;
For in t hat sleep what dreams may come when we have shuffled off this mortal coil,
must we give us pause: there's the respect
That makes calamity of so long life;
For who would bear another man's whips and scorns of time,
The oppressor's wrong, the proud man's contumely,
The pangs of despised love, the law's delay, the insolence of office and the spurns
that patient merit of unworthy takes,
When he himself might his quietus make with a single choice? who would fardels bear,
To grunt and sweat under a weary life,
But that the dread of something after death
The undiscover'd country from whose bourn
No Traveller returns, puzzles the will
And makes us rather bear those ills we have
Than fly to others that we know not of?
Thus conscience does make coward of us all;
And thus the native hue of resolution
Is sicklied o'er with the pale cast of thought,
And enterterprises of great pitch and moment
Is it with this regard their currents turn awry,
And lose the name of action?-------
Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to volunter to stop the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,
Or to not take arms against a sea of troubles, and by opposing not end them?
To go: to live; Forever more; and by going to say we end the heart ache and the thousand natural shocks that flesh is heir to, 'tis a consummation devoutly to be wish'd. To stay, to sleep;
To sleep: perchance to dream: ay, there's the rub;
For in t hat sleep what dreams may come when we have shuffled off this mortal coil,
must we give us pause: there's the respect
That makes calamity of so long life;
For who would bear another man's whips and scorns of time,
The oppressor's wrong, the proud man's contumely,
The pangs of despised love, the law's delay, the insolence of office and the spurns
that patient merit of unworthy takes,
When he himself might his quietus make with a single choice? who would fardels bear,
To grunt and sweat under a weary life,
But that the dread of something after death
The undiscover'd country from whose bourn
No Traveller returns, puzzles the will
And makes us rather bear those ills we have
Than fly to others that we know not of?
Thus conscience does make coward of us all;
And thus the native hue of resolution
Is sicklied o'er with the pale cast of thought,
And enterterprises of great pitch and moment
Is it with this regard their currents turn awry,
And lose the name of action?-------
Thursday, February 23, 2006
Coin Operated Boy by the Dresden Dolls
coin operated boy
sitting on the shelf he is just a toy
but i turn him on and he comes to life
automatic joy
that is why i want a coin operated boy
made of plastic and elastic
he is rugged and long-lasting
who could ever ever ask for more
love without complications galore
many shapes and weights to choose from
i will never leave my bedroom
i will never cry at night again
wrap my arms around him and pretend....
coin operated boy
all the other real ones that i destroy
cannot hold a candle to my new boy and i'll
never let him go and i'll never be alone
not with my coin operated boy......
this bridge was written to make you feel smittener
with my sad picture of girl getting bitterer
can you extract me from my plastic fantasy
i didnt think so but im still convinceable
will you persist even after i bet you
a billion dollars that i'll never love you
will you persist even after i kiss you
goodbye for the last time
will you keep on trying to prove it?
i'm dying to lose it...
i want it
i want you
i want a coin operated boy.
and if i had a star to wish on
for my life i cant imagine
any flesh and blood could be his match
i can even take him in the bath
coin operated boy
he may not be real experienced with girls
but i know he feels like a boy should feel
isnt that the point that is why i want a
coin operated boy
with his pretty coin operated voice
saying that he loves me that hes thinking of me
straight and to the point
that is why i want
a coin operated boy.
sitting on the shelf he is just a toy
but i turn him on and he comes to life
automatic joy
that is why i want a coin operated boy
made of plastic and elastic
he is rugged and long-lasting
who could ever ever ask for more
love without complications galore
many shapes and weights to choose from
i will never leave my bedroom
i will never cry at night again
wrap my arms around him and pretend....
coin operated boy
all the other real ones that i destroy
cannot hold a candle to my new boy and i'll
never let him go and i'll never be alone
not with my coin operated boy......
this bridge was written to make you feel smittener
with my sad picture of girl getting bitterer
can you extract me from my plastic fantasy
i didnt think so but im still convinceable
will you persist even after i bet you
a billion dollars that i'll never love you
will you persist even after i kiss you
goodbye for the last time
will you keep on trying to prove it?
i'm dying to lose it...
i want it
i want you
i want a coin operated boy.
and if i had a star to wish on
for my life i cant imagine
any flesh and blood could be his match
i can even take him in the bath
coin operated boy
he may not be real experienced with girls
but i know he feels like a boy should feel
isnt that the point that is why i want a
coin operated boy
with his pretty coin operated voice
saying that he loves me that hes thinking of me
straight and to the point
that is why i want
a coin operated boy.
Wednesday, February 22, 2006
another day
my heart is pulling out my chest tonight.
it's longing to be with someone else.
somewhere else.
maybe someday it will.
my soul doesn't know where its supposed to be.
or with whom.
maybe someday it will.
i'm tired of this pointlessness.
i need a purpose.
something to strive for.
someone to protect.
everything seems to be at a stand still.
not moving,
but rushing by.
never ending.
i don't know what i'm typing.
i'm full of crap.
and a little lonely.
it's longing to be with someone else.
somewhere else.
maybe someday it will.
my soul doesn't know where its supposed to be.
or with whom.
maybe someday it will.
i'm tired of this pointlessness.
i need a purpose.
something to strive for.
someone to protect.
everything seems to be at a stand still.
not moving,
but rushing by.
never ending.
i don't know what i'm typing.
i'm full of crap.
and a little lonely.
Thursday, February 16, 2006
mitch's kids sucks my face, and is taking over my life. so far this week i have spent four hours updating files. that's four hours that i couldn't be with my kids, four hours that i couldn't run MY programs. tomorrow is the final day of the olympics. the olympics that i planned. and i was only able to see see two events. TWO EVENTS! it makes me sort of sad. i wouldn't mind it if this was part of my job, if this is what i had signed on for. if i was, oh let's say the program director. but i'm not. i'm a part time employee. uh. now i'm just venting. because i can. i miss the kids. even though i saw them, i miss them. i feel like i'm missing out on so much. i didn't get a dylan shivley hug today. i only sent one kid to time out! and then i forgot about him and no one told me he was still in time out and his five minute time out grew to 25 minutes, because mitch's kids is sucking out my brain! now i have to write my philosophy of recreation. it's due tomorrow. we had a nasty storm, and i layed on my bed for almost an hour waiting for the poswer to go out. it didn't. i wasted an hour because i was waiting for an excuse to tell her why i didn't write my paper. i've known about it since the first day of classes, and yet i'm not doing it.
i wish i had something worth while to write about, and the remote. i don't want to watch who's line.
in case you wanted to know, i just farted. and it stinks.
and now to my paper. i think i'm going to listen to some music. oh! i bought fiona apple's new cd a few weeks ago. partically because of jonny rice's postings about her, partically because thought the music video for "Not about Love" was amazing, but mostly because i had the extreme urge to buy a cd and that was the first one tha came to mind...and sight.
shit. my Word is closing. i think i have a virus. maybe i do have an excuse now. i guess it's a good thing that i've only written one sentence so far. and not a very good one at that. damn, i lost my definition of recration. oh well, i'll just have to spend a few more minutes of wasted time looking on the internet. shame.
i wish i had something worth while to write about, and the remote. i don't want to watch who's line.
in case you wanted to know, i just farted. and it stinks.
and now to my paper. i think i'm going to listen to some music. oh! i bought fiona apple's new cd a few weeks ago. partically because of jonny rice's postings about her, partically because thought the music video for "Not about Love" was amazing, but mostly because i had the extreme urge to buy a cd and that was the first one tha came to mind...and sight.
shit. my Word is closing. i think i have a virus. maybe i do have an excuse now. i guess it's a good thing that i've only written one sentence so far. and not a very good one at that. damn, i lost my definition of recration. oh well, i'll just have to spend a few more minutes of wasted time looking on the internet. shame.
Monday, February 13, 2006
Saturday, February 11, 2006
a fresh start
i decided to give my blog a face lift. it's been the same for a long time now, basically since i started it. as a matter of fact my first post was two years ago yesterday. it's my first second anniversary. as a matter of fact it's my only anniversary. that's sad. it's also coincidently my mom's birthday. strange.
so as i was saying it was time for a face lift. its like a hair cut, it makes you feel better. younger. rejuvenated. maybe this will give me the urge to update on a regular basis. or maybe if i had an exciting life i could.
work have been busy lately. i'm in charge of a new grant that governor mitch daniels has established for the boys and girls clubs of indiana. it's an educational program that ties in well with our existing power hour homework time, but now we have to document everything that the kids in the program do. it makes for a lot of extra work, and since i'm in charge of a large portion of this program, and because the program director is busy, and because i offered my services to him last week after a truly terrible staff meeting; i find my life being taken over by this stupid grant. between school and this PART TIME JOB, i'm working almost 16 hour days. and only getting paid for 2 of those hours, it's exhausting. i'm also in charge of the club olympics. that's not really that big of a deal, just a little programming and facilitating. it's what i'm trained to do, and what i love to do.
work has made me cry a lot lately. it's been so stressful. there are so many changes in the program, and none of it really seems to make sense, and sometimes it feels like the administration is forgetting about the kids. and i get to the point where i don't think i can go on anymore, and then i walk onto the floor and i get a hug from a child, or someone sits on my lap, or a teen shares something with me that they wouldn't tell anyone else; and then, it's worth it. and the fact that i don't make much money doesn't matter, and the fact that it's more of a volunteer position than a paid position, doesn't matter. and all the managerial stresses melt away, and maybe my bad attitude and my slight nazi like tendencies disappear, and i'm happy. and i'm making a difference. and i couldn't imagine not being here. i don't how i'm going to leave. i love each and every one of those kids, they're apart of who i am. they've helped to mold me into what i'm becoming, and maybe, just maybe, we're doing the same thing. maybe there's one kid who got a hug today, who otherwise wouldn't have. maybe i'm the only person who told them i was proud of them today. maybe this is the only place they can come where they feel valuable, included, and loved. and then it's worth it. it's so worth it.
it makes me wonder what i'm going to do when i graduate. i couldn't imagine not doing something like this. not making a difference or a change.
cory and carrie visited with me last friday on their way through indiana from vegas. it was so great to see them, i'm so glad their moving to cleveland. they'll be so much closer, and i'll actually get to see them. we had lunch together, nearly a two hour lunch. carrie told me that i should join the peace corps. she thinks that i'd be a perfect fit. i've started to think about it a little. i've even looked into it some. they offer loan deferment, which would be necessary. and i meet almost all qualifications for the working with youth opportunities, execpt one. they require that you have at least 6 months experience working full time with disadvantaged youth. by may i'll have nearly a year and a half of, technically, part time experience, but let's face it this is really a full time job. i've thought about seeing if i could find a program job at another boys and girls club and work there for a while, and then maybe think about the peace corps after that. how amazing would that be? going somewhere else! seeing the world! experiencing new things! meeting and loving kids! and why shouldn't i? i'm single, no prospects of marriage anytime soon, ever probably. and if i do get married, i want it to be to someone who has the same desires as me, maybe we could go into the peace corps together!...so why not?! there's nothing holding me back. nothing at all. i should just leap in with both feet. tell the nay sayer's to fuck off, and do it. oh, how amazing would that be.
and if not the peace corps, than maybe ameri corps. i've thought a little about that too. but something.
something.
random information: i'm getting my hair cut this weekend. it'll be for the first time since august. i used to get my hair cut every 6 weeks, and now it's every 6 months. i'm excited. layers, and side bangs. that's right folks, i'm following the crowd and i'm going to get side bangs. am i excited? oh yes, yes i am.
i'm watching america's funniest home videos. it's a really old episode. bob saget is the host. that's when the videos were really funny, i just saw a clip where a little girl got her pants pulled down. that makes me think of a story from tonight. and i must share.
a little boy was hiding under a pool table, i was standing in the door way about 25 yds away, yelling his name because he wasn't listening to me and wouldn't put his shoes on even though i told him to. so i walked over to the pool table and said, "come out from under there". another little boy decided to help him out, so he grabbed him by the legs and started to pull. unfortunatley he wasn't holding onto his feet, but on to his pants. his elastic waist running pants. the next thing i see is a little blond boy underneath the pool table and a little pair of spiderman underoo's staring back at me! i call out "Put your pants back on!" and of course ten kids turn around to look. i had to try to distract them from watching the little boy, who was still under the pool table, as he was putting his pants back on. it was the funniest thing i have ever seen. unfortunatley this was the same little boy who later on in the evening wigged out and took of running because he got in trouble and had to go home. i chased him up to the third floor and he started crying and screaming at me and telling me i wasn't his boss, then he ran past me and down the stairs right into his grandma's arms. she than stood there with him in her arms for nearly five minutes, as he struggled to get away. his face beat red, and the most guttural noises i have ever heard coming from his throat. he kicked and screamed and tried choking his grandma, and i just stood there. i couldn't leave them there, and i couldn't intervene because that would be taking the authority away from his grandma. so i just stood there and watched as she held onto her grandson until he calmed down enough that she could carry him down a flight of stairs. it was terrible, i've never seen him respond like that. it makes me wonder what kinds of things he's been through. i've heard some stories. and it's just not fair. why should a 6 year old have to live in a world like tnat. a world that is created by the ones who are supposed to care for him. (at this point i'm no longer talking about this specific child, but all children) i don't understand how a parent can bring a child into the world, and then force them to live in hell. it should be that when you have that child, no when you have sex, you are making a commitment. a commitment that says that you are participating in an act that could result in a child, and if that so happens, that you are promising that you will raise that child in a world that is not evil, that you will not inflict pain on them. and even if it means giving that child away, you will do your best to make it the best for him. but for too many kids that is not the case. far from it. why would you bring a child into the world if you are going to make them live in your hell. if you hate your life, why make someone else live it? it's so selfish. we are such a me-generation. it makes me sick. i hate it. ah.
i think i'm making up for not posting for so long in this post. you should be happy carla, that is of course if you have read this far down.
here's a quote. this was a conversation that i had...with myself.
that goes in my "it makes me smile box"
oh? where's that?
i don't have one.
and you can quote me on that. i did.
so as i was saying it was time for a face lift. its like a hair cut, it makes you feel better. younger. rejuvenated. maybe this will give me the urge to update on a regular basis. or maybe if i had an exciting life i could.
work have been busy lately. i'm in charge of a new grant that governor mitch daniels has established for the boys and girls clubs of indiana. it's an educational program that ties in well with our existing power hour homework time, but now we have to document everything that the kids in the program do. it makes for a lot of extra work, and since i'm in charge of a large portion of this program, and because the program director is busy, and because i offered my services to him last week after a truly terrible staff meeting; i find my life being taken over by this stupid grant. between school and this PART TIME JOB, i'm working almost 16 hour days. and only getting paid for 2 of those hours, it's exhausting. i'm also in charge of the club olympics. that's not really that big of a deal, just a little programming and facilitating. it's what i'm trained to do, and what i love to do.
work has made me cry a lot lately. it's been so stressful. there are so many changes in the program, and none of it really seems to make sense, and sometimes it feels like the administration is forgetting about the kids. and i get to the point where i don't think i can go on anymore, and then i walk onto the floor and i get a hug from a child, or someone sits on my lap, or a teen shares something with me that they wouldn't tell anyone else; and then, it's worth it. and the fact that i don't make much money doesn't matter, and the fact that it's more of a volunteer position than a paid position, doesn't matter. and all the managerial stresses melt away, and maybe my bad attitude and my slight nazi like tendencies disappear, and i'm happy. and i'm making a difference. and i couldn't imagine not being here. i don't how i'm going to leave. i love each and every one of those kids, they're apart of who i am. they've helped to mold me into what i'm becoming, and maybe, just maybe, we're doing the same thing. maybe there's one kid who got a hug today, who otherwise wouldn't have. maybe i'm the only person who told them i was proud of them today. maybe this is the only place they can come where they feel valuable, included, and loved. and then it's worth it. it's so worth it.
it makes me wonder what i'm going to do when i graduate. i couldn't imagine not doing something like this. not making a difference or a change.
cory and carrie visited with me last friday on their way through indiana from vegas. it was so great to see them, i'm so glad their moving to cleveland. they'll be so much closer, and i'll actually get to see them. we had lunch together, nearly a two hour lunch. carrie told me that i should join the peace corps. she thinks that i'd be a perfect fit. i've started to think about it a little. i've even looked into it some. they offer loan deferment, which would be necessary. and i meet almost all qualifications for the working with youth opportunities, execpt one. they require that you have at least 6 months experience working full time with disadvantaged youth. by may i'll have nearly a year and a half of, technically, part time experience, but let's face it this is really a full time job. i've thought about seeing if i could find a program job at another boys and girls club and work there for a while, and then maybe think about the peace corps after that. how amazing would that be? going somewhere else! seeing the world! experiencing new things! meeting and loving kids! and why shouldn't i? i'm single, no prospects of marriage anytime soon, ever probably. and if i do get married, i want it to be to someone who has the same desires as me, maybe we could go into the peace corps together!...so why not?! there's nothing holding me back. nothing at all. i should just leap in with both feet. tell the nay sayer's to fuck off, and do it. oh, how amazing would that be.
and if not the peace corps, than maybe ameri corps. i've thought a little about that too. but something.
something.
random information: i'm getting my hair cut this weekend. it'll be for the first time since august. i used to get my hair cut every 6 weeks, and now it's every 6 months. i'm excited. layers, and side bangs. that's right folks, i'm following the crowd and i'm going to get side bangs. am i excited? oh yes, yes i am.
i'm watching america's funniest home videos. it's a really old episode. bob saget is the host. that's when the videos were really funny, i just saw a clip where a little girl got her pants pulled down. that makes me think of a story from tonight. and i must share.
a little boy was hiding under a pool table, i was standing in the door way about 25 yds away, yelling his name because he wasn't listening to me and wouldn't put his shoes on even though i told him to. so i walked over to the pool table and said, "come out from under there". another little boy decided to help him out, so he grabbed him by the legs and started to pull. unfortunatley he wasn't holding onto his feet, but on to his pants. his elastic waist running pants. the next thing i see is a little blond boy underneath the pool table and a little pair of spiderman underoo's staring back at me! i call out "Put your pants back on!" and of course ten kids turn around to look. i had to try to distract them from watching the little boy, who was still under the pool table, as he was putting his pants back on. it was the funniest thing i have ever seen. unfortunatley this was the same little boy who later on in the evening wigged out and took of running because he got in trouble and had to go home. i chased him up to the third floor and he started crying and screaming at me and telling me i wasn't his boss, then he ran past me and down the stairs right into his grandma's arms. she than stood there with him in her arms for nearly five minutes, as he struggled to get away. his face beat red, and the most guttural noises i have ever heard coming from his throat. he kicked and screamed and tried choking his grandma, and i just stood there. i couldn't leave them there, and i couldn't intervene because that would be taking the authority away from his grandma. so i just stood there and watched as she held onto her grandson until he calmed down enough that she could carry him down a flight of stairs. it was terrible, i've never seen him respond like that. it makes me wonder what kinds of things he's been through. i've heard some stories. and it's just not fair. why should a 6 year old have to live in a world like tnat. a world that is created by the ones who are supposed to care for him. (at this point i'm no longer talking about this specific child, but all children) i don't understand how a parent can bring a child into the world, and then force them to live in hell. it should be that when you have that child, no when you have sex, you are making a commitment. a commitment that says that you are participating in an act that could result in a child, and if that so happens, that you are promising that you will raise that child in a world that is not evil, that you will not inflict pain on them. and even if it means giving that child away, you will do your best to make it the best for him. but for too many kids that is not the case. far from it. why would you bring a child into the world if you are going to make them live in your hell. if you hate your life, why make someone else live it? it's so selfish. we are such a me-generation. it makes me sick. i hate it. ah.
i think i'm making up for not posting for so long in this post. you should be happy carla, that is of course if you have read this far down.
here's a quote. this was a conversation that i had...with myself.
that goes in my "it makes me smile box"
oh? where's that?
i don't have one.
and you can quote me on that. i did.
Saturday, January 07, 2006
another long january day
something interesting: i just discovered that my cat stalks my cursor on the computer screen. and now she is laying in my top desk drawer. she's given up my cushy bed next to me for my pokey desk. weird cat.
something terrible: i'm watching Save the Last Dance. I forgot until now how terrible that movie is.
something lonley: my roommates are gone until jan 22 and classes don't start until the 23rd. by the time classes start again i'll have been here by over a month by myself.
a side note: the cat just ate paper off my desk.
a recent purchase:
A Very Long Engagement. it's directed by Jean Pierre Jeunet. the same guy who directed Amelie. audrey tautou plays Mathilde, a young french woman who's fiance is executed for self mutilation while in a trench during world war one. she denies his death a swears that she will find him. like amelie, the colors tell a story. they are dark and drab, with the occasional burst of red or purple. i fall more in love with jeunet with each film i see.
melinda and melinda, a woody allen film. it debates the idea of a comedy versus a drama. and if the same story, that of a young jilted woman named melinda, could be better told as a comedy or drama. it fabulously intertwines both genres. i liked it.
empire records. i assume that everyone has seen this, even though i saw it for the first time in october. but it should be common knowledge that it is a fabulous movie, and i bought it for $5.50, so that pretty much makes it perfect.
a recent development: now i'm in the mood for a movie. but should i watch one of my own, or rent one. oh the dilemma's in life.
something terrible: i'm watching Save the Last Dance. I forgot until now how terrible that movie is.
something lonley: my roommates are gone until jan 22 and classes don't start until the 23rd. by the time classes start again i'll have been here by over a month by myself.
a side note: the cat just ate paper off my desk.
a recent purchase:
A Very Long Engagement. it's directed by Jean Pierre Jeunet. the same guy who directed Amelie. audrey tautou plays Mathilde, a young french woman who's fiance is executed for self mutilation while in a trench during world war one. she denies his death a swears that she will find him. like amelie, the colors tell a story. they are dark and drab, with the occasional burst of red or purple. i fall more in love with jeunet with each film i see.
melinda and melinda, a woody allen film. it debates the idea of a comedy versus a drama. and if the same story, that of a young jilted woman named melinda, could be better told as a comedy or drama. it fabulously intertwines both genres. i liked it.
empire records. i assume that everyone has seen this, even though i saw it for the first time in october. but it should be common knowledge that it is a fabulous movie, and i bought it for $5.50, so that pretty much makes it perfect.
a recent development: now i'm in the mood for a movie. but should i watch one of my own, or rent one. oh the dilemma's in life.
Monday, January 02, 2006
yep,
my last post proves it right. i'm full of crap.
this weekend was great. no need to be nervous
but now i feel sick.
and i don't see my health improving anytime soon
this weekend was great. no need to be nervous
but now i feel sick.
and i don't see my health improving anytime soon
Saturday, December 31, 2005
i need some pepto bismal.
i was reading through some old posts today. and now i have the desire to update. UPDATE:
I'm going to camp for a staff reunion/new years party. i'm really nervous, i'm not sure why. these are the same people that i spent two months with this summer. maybe that's why i'm nervous. my camp me is very different from my school me. but i don't want to be fake. but i'm afraid the school me will scare the crap out of these people. all of the memories i have from camp are so-so. i know i had a good time at camp, but i always seem to focus on the negative. i think that makes me nervous too. what if they focus on the negative? then everyone will see that i'm a fraud. that i have no idea what i'm doing. and they'll hate me. i think that pretty much sums up my fears. i have a returning staff application, but i don't know what to do with it. if i should fill it out or not. it makes me feel nauseous just thinking about it.ugh. they're hiring a program director. i want to be a program director. it seems like a good idea. but it also makes me uneasy. i've thought about trying for a job at a boys and girls club. i guess i'll just wait and see how things go tonight. ugh. i need to clean and pack so i can get there by 8. ugh....
I'm going to camp for a staff reunion/new years party. i'm really nervous, i'm not sure why. these are the same people that i spent two months with this summer. maybe that's why i'm nervous. my camp me is very different from my school me. but i don't want to be fake. but i'm afraid the school me will scare the crap out of these people. all of the memories i have from camp are so-so. i know i had a good time at camp, but i always seem to focus on the negative. i think that makes me nervous too. what if they focus on the negative? then everyone will see that i'm a fraud. that i have no idea what i'm doing. and they'll hate me. i think that pretty much sums up my fears. i have a returning staff application, but i don't know what to do with it. if i should fill it out or not. it makes me feel nauseous just thinking about it.ugh. they're hiring a program director. i want to be a program director. it seems like a good idea. but it also makes me uneasy. i've thought about trying for a job at a boys and girls club. i guess i'll just wait and see how things go tonight. ugh. i need to clean and pack so i can get there by 8. ugh....
Saturday, December 24, 2005
i read a blog today. it made me cry. it wasn't exceptionally touching, or emotional. but i related, and i cried.
i watched a documentary entitled paper clips yesterday. it made me cry. it wasn't genuinely touching. and i could feel the emotion that they were trying to invoke, and yet i cried.
i was a barnes and nobles yesterday. i didn't not cry. i was christmas shopping, but i wanted to buy books for me. lots of books. hundreds of books. thousands of books. i saw one entitled The Protestant Ethic and the Spirit of Capitalism. i read the first page and wanted to keep reading it. it took all of my self-control to put it down.
apparently tomorrow is christmas. which means today is the day before chrismas. chirstmas eve day, and later it will be christmas eve. i'm here in huntington still. trying to find the motivation to pack the car and drive home. soon.
i watched a documentary entitled paper clips yesterday. it made me cry. it wasn't genuinely touching. and i could feel the emotion that they were trying to invoke, and yet i cried.
i was a barnes and nobles yesterday. i didn't not cry. i was christmas shopping, but i wanted to buy books for me. lots of books. hundreds of books. thousands of books. i saw one entitled The Protestant Ethic and the Spirit of Capitalism. i read the first page and wanted to keep reading it. it took all of my self-control to put it down.
apparently tomorrow is christmas. which means today is the day before chrismas. chirstmas eve day, and later it will be christmas eve. i'm here in huntington still. trying to find the motivation to pack the car and drive home. soon.
Wednesday, December 21, 2005
rambling on and on
the sci-fi channel has had a mini x-files marathon today. that means four glorious hours of mulder and scully. most of which seem to be based on religious encounters or dare i say myths. which of course means role reversal for mulder and scully, and that of course is my favorite kind of episode. perhaps this means it will be a good day at work. or maybe i'm getting the good part of the day done before i head in. that would be terrible.
i have crafts today. i think we're supposed to paint ornaments or something. but i think instead i'm going to do god's eyes. popsicle sticks and yarn in the craft cabinets means a free craft. i had a new schedule for work in my box yesterday. there was no explanation whatsoever. i'm biting my lip over it. i've encountered worked with staff who have had a difficult time adjusting to change. and i've seen people get too personally involved in their jobs. so much so that they forget who they are serving. and i've been the recipient of out-lashes regarding both of those things. and i don't want to be like that. the best interest is in mind. i need to remain calm. this will be good. i need to be patient and accepting. and slowly discuss things with my boss. i just need to sort things out. to get some answers. that's all. things will be ok. i will not become what i have not been able to handle. i will NOT initiate the situations that i have hated.
christmas is in four days. i have not done any christmas shopping. i have not thought about it at all. i don't know what to get. or even when i will have time to do so.
new years is in a week and a half. i'm still not sure what i'm doing. to pvm or not to pvm, that is the question. thoughts are floating around in my brain and i don't know how to make sense of them. i can't tell what is truth and what i've made up. i'm not sure. too many questions, and not enough answers. have i changed? or am i finally expressing myself? or am i in denial?
i love the x-files. such deep topics camouflaged in aliens and elvis impersonations. actually i'm not sure that there was an episode with elvis or not. but it sounds like something they would do. and so they should have.
how many choices could we have made, and how many lives could we have lead. so many possibilities, but only room for one ending. how do you know if you are making the right choice. not the one that everyone else is making, but the right one?
i'm questioning, everything. and i have no answers for anything.
my favorite x-files christmas episode is on later today, and i'm going to miss it. sad.
i have crafts today. i think we're supposed to paint ornaments or something. but i think instead i'm going to do god's eyes. popsicle sticks and yarn in the craft cabinets means a free craft. i had a new schedule for work in my box yesterday. there was no explanation whatsoever. i'm biting my lip over it. i've encountered worked with staff who have had a difficult time adjusting to change. and i've seen people get too personally involved in their jobs. so much so that they forget who they are serving. and i've been the recipient of out-lashes regarding both of those things. and i don't want to be like that. the best interest is in mind. i need to remain calm. this will be good. i need to be patient and accepting. and slowly discuss things with my boss. i just need to sort things out. to get some answers. that's all. things will be ok. i will not become what i have not been able to handle. i will NOT initiate the situations that i have hated.
christmas is in four days. i have not done any christmas shopping. i have not thought about it at all. i don't know what to get. or even when i will have time to do so.
new years is in a week and a half. i'm still not sure what i'm doing. to pvm or not to pvm, that is the question. thoughts are floating around in my brain and i don't know how to make sense of them. i can't tell what is truth and what i've made up. i'm not sure. too many questions, and not enough answers. have i changed? or am i finally expressing myself? or am i in denial?
i love the x-files. such deep topics camouflaged in aliens and elvis impersonations. actually i'm not sure that there was an episode with elvis or not. but it sounds like something they would do. and so they should have.
how many choices could we have made, and how many lives could we have lead. so many possibilities, but only room for one ending. how do you know if you are making the right choice. not the one that everyone else is making, but the right one?
i'm questioning, everything. and i have no answers for anything.
my favorite x-files christmas episode is on later today, and i'm going to miss it. sad.
Friday, December 16, 2005
i have a bebe in my lap. she's trying to type with me, and foot is vibrating because she keeps purring.
i have not updated in a long time. i do not regret it. i've had nothing to say. that's a lie. as usual i have a lot to say, just nothing of importance.
the semester has ended. work was cancelled yesterday. minus my last 8 o'clock exam of the semester, i had the whole day off. the roommates are gone now. so i'm going to do nothing today, except clean my room and do some laundry and go to work.
yesterday i decided i wanted to have 10 hooded sweatshirts, enough for two full weeks of classes without running out. then last night we the club gave us a new hooded staff sweatshirt, now i'm only three away from my goal. so if anyone is reading this, and wondering what to get me. it should be a hooded sweat shirt, preferably one with writing on it. something amazing. more than ten would be amazing as well, so don't worry about getting the same thing as someone else.
last night at our work white elephant gift exchange, i got a shark's tale. i haven't seen it yet, so i think i'm going to put it in. either that or some dave matthews, i've been craving him for a few weeks now. i think dave will be more productive than a movie i haven't seen before.
ok, the end
i have not updated in a long time. i do not regret it. i've had nothing to say. that's a lie. as usual i have a lot to say, just nothing of importance.
the semester has ended. work was cancelled yesterday. minus my last 8 o'clock exam of the semester, i had the whole day off. the roommates are gone now. so i'm going to do nothing today, except clean my room and do some laundry and go to work.
yesterday i decided i wanted to have 10 hooded sweatshirts, enough for two full weeks of classes without running out. then last night we the club gave us a new hooded staff sweatshirt, now i'm only three away from my goal. so if anyone is reading this, and wondering what to get me. it should be a hooded sweat shirt, preferably one with writing on it. something amazing. more than ten would be amazing as well, so don't worry about getting the same thing as someone else.
last night at our work white elephant gift exchange, i got a shark's tale. i haven't seen it yet, so i think i'm going to put it in. either that or some dave matthews, i've been craving him for a few weeks now. i think dave will be more productive than a movie i haven't seen before.
ok, the end
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