i think i have a.d.d....

tonight was the fall fest/halloween party tonight at work. it was slightly less crazy then i had expected. that was a delightful surprise. i was in charge of carving pumpkins. that means that i stood out side from roughly 6-7:30, in the freezing cold air tell kids: "_____(name)____, go back inside......i know....i call you when it's your turn.....I KNOW!....I'LL CALL YOU WHEN IT'S YOUR TURN!....___(name)____, GO BACK INSIDE!" i also mingled with parents for nearly that entire time. it put me on pins and needles. i think i quenched a few potential fires, and talked to one about swearing in front of the kids. ah.

i'm an idiot and forgot to sign up for a seminar i'm supposed to go to tomorrow. i need to go for class. it's on campus some where, but i don't know where, or when.

in other news i have a new hoodie...

kimmee and i were briefly talking about pictures and memories the other day. i find it absolutely amazing that pictures can bring on such strong feelings. both good and bad. and sometimes those feelings get stronger. admiration can grow to affection, and mild disdain can grow to hatred. why are we wired this way? it seems to make things so much more confusing. and why to the bad things seem to cloud the good? i have a picture on my desk. it's an amazing picture. every time i look at it, i smile. it's just so happy. but every time i look at it, i see something in the back ground that makes me cringe. something that i hate. it makes me want to rip it off the cork board and burn it. and at the same time it makes me want to run, to avert my eyes. i feel like a scared kid, just like i did whent he picture was taken. i think i need to grow some balls, or maybe crop the picture. but then it would loose it's integrity. i suppose it's really a snap shot from that time in my life. the good and the bad. recorded on one piece of photographic paper. developed, printed, and hung. forever capturing those feelings of love, happiness, responsibility, annoyance, anger, shame; all in one image. the perfect ambassador for that memory. and i'll keep it, and every time i see it i'll smile, and cringe, and run, and hold the fire deep inside.

i don't know what the hell that was.

we named our cat. technically it's bebe. but lately she's been going by Fucking Cat.

my favorite quote from the night...a child is kicking a pumpkin. the mother says "Stop kicking that pumpkin!", while she kicks him in the but....the mother kicked her pumpkin to encourage him to stop kicking a pumpkin. that's also dumb because she told him not to kick, then she kicked, then he turned around and started to kick me, until i gave him a "TRY IT" look. he stopped.

p.s. although the irony in that made me laugh, it sort of makes me sad too...i guess it's another one of those perfect snap shots.

hmmmm

and the possiblities are endless...

a day in review.

fall break was amazing.
i have stories.
one real,
one i'm going to make up.
em's coming to today!
YaY!
Excited about that.
i don't have time for this right now.
too much to do.
one last thing:
WELCOME ISABEL MARIA CASTRO!

the end.

cyn city

i'm sitting in the "dining room" of my brother and his girlfriend's apartment. lisa and carrie are both crashed on the couch. its five o'clock (approximately 7 indiana and 8 ohio time). and here i am, in vegas.

ridiculously long trip. our flight from denver to vegas was cancelled. we were wait-listed, and rolled onto another flight. that flight was over-booked, so we were rolled again. and this time we made it. the plane was full, we didn't sit together, but ended up in vegas. with 100 dollars in gift certificates, a new duffel bag, and a ripped one. all curtsey of united airlines.

so here i sit. drowsy. full. excited. and needing to write a paper that was due today.

today i realized that it is possible to sit in a room with thousands of people passing by, and ignore every single one of them. i realized that i can sit on a plane, between two strangers for an hour and a half, and feel no remorse about not talking to them. i realized that i'm longing to read, and bitterly disappointed with my literary selection for the weekend. yet, i'm delighted to discover that the dollar tree offers a fascinating selection of books,if one is willing to dig a little.

i want to go swimming but, lisa and mary are sleeping. too bad. i really like this little apartment. it has a lot of charm. i hope that in a year i'm living in a place like this, with a job, and...who knows what else.

p.s. carla...i would love to go to chicago with you, and i would love it if you brought your baby. however, lets admit it, i'm pragmatic. and the truth is that will most likely never happen. not because we don't want it too, but because logistically it wouldn't work. because, well you're at a different stage in your life. frankly, you have a life. which is a drastic difference. however, the lack of mine allows me to do things like spontaneous trips to chicago. but perhaps some time i will kidnap you and take you to angola. you know i've heard it's the chicago of indiana. no it's not, i made that up. but if we believe it, anything is possible. no, that's a lie too. want to here a truth?...

osmoetic, like poetic osmosis.

off to chicago for the night. then vegas for the weekend. then chicago for a few hours...maybe the night. then back to school for classes bright and early on wednesday. i wish we could stay in chicago a little longer. i love that place. but vegas will be equally amazing. maybe more so. i'm excited to see cory. i have seen him since easter. far too long. and a weekend away will be...well quite frankly freaking amazing. money...that could be interesting. things are going to have to stretch and i'm going to have to budget. but at least we don't have to get a hotel, or maybe a car. so that'll be nice. and maybe a free desert or meal or something from okada. that would be sweet. i'll have to see what cory can do. speaking of which, i need to get hold of him. it would be nice to know how in the heck we're getting picked up from the airport. yeah...that'd be nice. i suck at the details. i'm too fly by the seat of my pants. or an air bus, but whatever. i just realized that it sounds like i'm being hard on myself. i'm not though. i was trying to be funny. because we're taking an air bus. this post sucks. carla i hope you're happy that i updated. i don't fell like doing it much. i don't have much to say. i'm busy and boring. i want to go to chicago. any takers? not this weekend, for obvious reasons. but maybe another. not next, because em's coming up. that'll be fun. i need to call her. perhaps the weekend after or before thanksgiving. i want to go there now. someone come with me. ok this is a pathetic post. i'm thinking about not posting it. blah. i need more creativity. i need to be around crazy creative people. people who have creativity seeping from their pores. then maybe i can become creative through osmosis. it's true. i've seen it happen before. i'm done.

you said what?!

kross2444: You know it is hard to get here when you stay on the computer
jmebarrett: didn't i tell you? i've been cloned
kross2444: ohhhh ok
jmebarrett: and i think i should tell you...the other me...the new me....is evil, and she's planning on standing you up
kross2444: damn her
jmebarrett: i know what a bitch
kross2444: whore i would say

Lars

davis hall last night. there was a richard simmons workout video act. richard simmons wore short white shorts, a black wife beater, and a dark fro wig. i almost wet myself. i think carla and aaron thought i was slightly insane. (i really want a picture. i need a picture. i must have one.) it made me wish someone from camp was there with me. it was really quite amazing. it even topped the old canadian lars. now i'm reminiscing. i wish the staff reunion hadn't been cancelled. alright. back to reality.

i feel like a pianist in a grand hall.
placing my fingers on the keys,
they fly and press and know what they are doing
they're confident, and persistent, and nearly prideful.
i flex and move and perform
giving the concert of my life.
yet i'm intimidated and unsure.
not knowing what will happen.
what the review will be
if it will be pleasing.
but i don't care.
i'm an artist, a musician, me.
so i do it for me.
not for reviews.
not for others.
for me.

whoa man, WHOA-MAN

september is a busy month for birthdays. i had one this week, so did thousands of other people. its strange to realize i'm not alone. this week was busy. i don't want to detail it, it was boring and normal. i have two exams tomorrow. its one in the morning. i haven't studied. that will be interesting.
tomorrow is the party at work. mixed feelings.
three kids asked me my age today. and when i told them, they all asked me if i was married. they were all surprised and slightly horrified when i said no. that made me feel old and alone. i thought only delilah from delilah on the radio could do that. but i guess not. someone once said 'i only listen to delilah when i'm in my car and i want to feel even more lonely than i already do', then he ran around screaming, 'AHHH DELILAH!' that's how i feel. except i sort of want to listen to her. but i mostly don't. and that's good.
i swore a lot today. i thought about counting how many times, but i lost count by 9:00 this morning. i just remembered that i like swearsies. it's getting out of hand again. but then i remembered i like swearsies.
i feel like a plagiarist for saying swearsies. i should stop doing that.
most of the time its more creative to quote someone than to be creative. and you can quote that.
p.s. please disregard that last thought...i don't really know what it means.

LAS

another weekend. nothing exciting. not too exciting. except....
i booked tickets to vegas. i'm excited. i get to see cory. and hang out with lisa and mary. i'm going to get drunk and loose my tuition money. so drunk that it could in fact be considered plastered. plastered to the extent that i forget where i parked the car. and so i end up walking around vegas plastered and broke and lost. and then i'll die a horrific death. either at the hands of some crazy homeless person sleeping on the sidewalk, angry that i just laid down to sleep where he pees. or by falling into an open man hole where i'm trapped and live in squalor for four days until i die and back up the entire Las Vegas Sewage system. either way it will make the papers, and the writers of CSI will think it's the most amazing thing that they have ever heard, and they will write a screen play about it. Either CSI or Law and Order. Probably Law and Order. Everyone knows they get their ideas from the news papers anyway. or maybe not. maybe i'll remember that i'm a student of Huntington University. and i signed some stupid paper like four years ago saying that i wouldn't do anything like that. yeah, that's probably what will happen.


P.S. Last night i had a dream. i remember my dream. this was my dream. i dreamt that i had a zit. a giant zit. and i popped my giant zit. and instead of the normal pussy discharge. it was a strawberry. a very large strawberry. and it hurt. the end.

are ya happy now?

i have a baby shower to go to this weekend. its strange. its strange because it is for carla sue. and that's strange because we went to college together, and that's strange to say because it is past tense. i never thought i'd reach the point where i refer to my college career in past tense. but here it is. the other day in biz com i was talking to chris about the clocks in the perc. i said "every year the schools says that they have synchronized the clocks, and every year they forget the perc." And chris says "are you a senior? yah? i thought so, you said every year. and i didn't think you'd use that phrase if it had only been the past two years". now people can tell that i'm old because of the tenses i use. ugh. and now she's married and about to have a baby. and i think that makes me almost old. emily...you're not allowed to have a baby yet...that would make us truly old. and that's not right! understood? good.

work has been crazy lately. (another thing an old person says) so many crazy things happening. it truly breaks my heart. week 9's clubhouse kids at camp, had me missing every single one of the kids at the club. that week was so crazy. those kids live lives that i would have a hard time stomaching. then i come back to the club this year, and learn more about these kids then i've ever known. and it breaks my heart. no one should have to deal with the things that some of these 6 year olds do. its not fair. i don't even know what to think about some of the things. i just know that they need to be loved. and affirmed. and guided, and whether they think so or not, disciplined. week 9 prepared me for this, and i thank God for that.

week 1 prepared me for jeff and deshi leaving. at the end of september, beginning of october. but i know what to expect. i've worked it before. more responsibility, more hours, more stress. but its how it has to be, and so i wouldn't want it any other way. i've done it before, and i can do it again.

its amazing how God can use an experience like camp in so many different ways. as an internship, as a ministry, as a character builder, and as prep work for what's to come. i love it.

carla i hope that you are appreciating this. this is longer than anything i've typed in a while. although i am still a fan of the two line entry.

i guess i'm sort of using this post as a catch up post. i hate posts like that. but at least its not bulleted.

89X and John Mayer

it was just that sort of morning. 89X and John Mayer during the talking. i always forget how much i love that station until i come home. fort wayne radio stations suck. i have been slightly spoiled by a few good stations in the toledo area. i wish they would broadcast over the internet. i'd pay for that.

STOP DOING THAT STUPID BLOG!

my blog is making me angry. i need to figure out how to fix it. i don't know how and i don't like it.

A heartbreaking work of staggering genius (yes i did pinch that title from dave eggers)

i just spent an hour and a half debriefing my internship at camp. a bit of a trip down memory lane. i have to go to camp admin in a little while, today is making me miss camp. because i was in such a reminiscent mood, i decided to IM two people from camp. they both signed off just as i was about to send the message. it was really a very sad thing. now i'm stuck with my memories and no one to share them with.

i'm starting to get a strange yearning in chest. a yearning to read. to read the books that are on my desk. they stare at me day after day, and i need to read them. i must read them. i fear that if i don't my heart will burst out of my ribs and leap onto my bookshelf. fear not dear heart, one day your passion will be met. one day i will have time to read. and you will grow, and learn, and you will be satisfied; even if only for a moment.

i said sludge today and jamie told me i use unusual words. hmm.

this is my life, school and work. throw in free cable and homework, and you've got the whole shebang. that's all

back in the saddle

i finished two books this weekend, The Catcher in the Rye and Franny and Zooey. It just felt like a salinger sort of weekend. classes start today. in 40 minutes actually. i don't know that i'm fully prepared for them to start. but at the same time i'm more than ready to get this last year over with. have i said that my internet is working? well, my internet is working. that makes me extremely happy. now i can spend hours and hours of my time looking up asinine things and talking with people. or maybe not. i have a book on my desk. it's begging me to read it. i don't know if i will. but i really want to. i love reading. i think the humanities will kill me.

unhappy hump day

my mom and i had an argument today. she said that it was wednesday, but i was convinced it was thursday. we argued about it for nearly three minutes until she brought me a calendar and i realized that i was wrong. its wednesday. i hate that it is only wednesday. i woke up thinking that i left for school tomorrow. but no. not until friday. blah. i can't wait to get back to school. i'm ready to have my wireless back. i can't wait to have the internet in the same room that i sleep. i can't wait to have my aim. with all of my amazing away messages. i can't wait to write more away messages. i can't wait to start planning for my job this year. i have my schedule for the first week. lots of hours, and i'm looking forward to every minute of it! only two more days and i get to move in. to have roommates again. to be in a place that is sort of my own. to be on the road to a life that is my own.

i'be been home for a few days now, and it has led to some hardcore thinking and a few realizations.

1. I'm finally getting my hair cut and colored tomorrow. and there was much rejoycing...yay.

2. I leave for school in exactly 10 days. I am nowhere near ready.
a. I need to clean my corner of the basement
b. I need to clean the spare room.
c. I need to clean my car.
d. I need to call my roommates and find out what i need to take.

3. I haven't done anything since i've been home. I have watched almost 10 movies in the last three days...but i don't think that is anything to write home about. Especially since i'm at home and i don't even find it to be very exciting...so why would i take the time to write a letter to myself?

4. This is a retarded post. I don't like the fact that i'm typing it. And to show my disdane for this post, i'm going to publish it without spell checking it. i think if i spell check it it will give me enough time to decide that i don't really want to publish it and i'll delete it.

5. AH! THE END!

ramblings and mutterings

finally...after 12 weeks of being on the move...i am sitting. and i'm making the most of it. yesterday i seriously spent the entire day on the couch watching movies. i left the house once...to go to the library to get more movies. i haven't felt this lazy in a long time. and it's fantastic! although i have to admit, i do feel a little guilty.

so canada was great. relaxing. i went swimming in the georgian bay. it was freezing cold, but absolutely beautiful! we swam to a cave. no one else was there and it felt like we were the only ones who had ever found it (if you ignored the poop that was on a ledge that had a strong resemblance to human....blah...)...it was fantastic. White stone beaches. crisp, clear blue water. cliff jumpers, and snorkelers. it was beautiful.

school starts in almost ten days. that seems so strange to me. it doesn't feel like it should be starting soon. i have so much to do to prepare for it. i'm not ready. but i so want it to start. i'm more than ready to go back.

i found a jump drive on like mega sale at office max. i think i'm going to find out when the close and see if i have time to go yet tonight. it would be nice. i could get some stuff done for school from home. hmm....i wonder what their number is....

its all over now

It is Friday, August 5, 2005. And that means it is finally the last day of camp. I don't really know what that means. This summer has been completely bi-polar. Crazy highs where you think you just might die from lack of oxygen, to crazy lows where it feels like you are going to be crushed to death from the weight of the world. It's so strange how living in one place, with the same 40 people for 9 weeks, can make it seem as though the things that happen here is the only reality. Like there is nothing else beyond the borders. Sometimes I feel like I'm the one who is trapped in a dark cave. With shadows being my only reality. And maybe I'm too afraid to step outside and see what else there is. Or maybe I don't believe that there is anything outside the cave. But that can't be true. Actually I know that it is NOT true. There is so much more out side of this place. SO much more that the world has to offer. This is sort of depressing and I don't think that I really want to type about it anymore. BUT! I can tell you that I want to keep typing. Because I'm in an empty room. And the only thing that I hear is an air conditioner and the sound of my fingers on the key board. And at this moment in time. That is really all that I want to hear. The repetitive click, click, click, of my fingers flying across the keys and definitively pressing a button. Watching the letter appear on the screen. Seeing the words form. Flowing into sentences. Complete thoughts and ideas streaming across the screen. Concreting what I am feeling and the things that are going through my brain. And even though the things that I am currently typing have nothing to do with anything...I want to keep typing. Because as long as I am typing, I'm doing something moderately productive. Something with my hands. Something with my mind. Something with my eyes. Something with my ears. And I guess it reminds me of school. It'll be starting soon and I need to unstick my typing fingers. And regrease my brain. I feel like I haven't used it much this summer. I've felt that way every summer since I first started school. Something happens to me in the summer time and I don't use my brain. And I don't think things through. Which is quite frankly evident by some of the events this summer, especially this week. And at the same time, I'm always using my brain. And always problem solving. With is quite frankly evident by some of the events from this past week.

never before have I experienced a week like this. So many stresses. So many blessings. So many kids who just need. They need to be loved. The need to know that they are loved. They need to be trusted. They need rules. They just need so much. So much more than I can give them. Way more than I can give them. And they remind me of my kids. They are so alike. Kids from the inner city. They suffer with the same situations. With parents who aren't around. Parents who work all of the time. With drugs, alcohol, abuse, evictions, deaths, fights, loneliness. And they need so much. So much more than we can give them. Sometimes I just with there was a fix button that I could push. Just one button that would make things better. One button that would give them everything they need. One button that would take away their suffering, and their hurt, and their loneliness. Something that would give them love, and assurance, and understanding. I hope that camp was that button for some of them. I KNOW that some of them experienced things here this week that they have never had the opportunity to experience before. And for some of them, they will never get to experience again. It makes me want to get back to school. To see all of the kids at the club. To give them a GIANT side hug. And ask them how there summer is going. To play Honey If You Love Me with Jordan, to hug Autumn, to play pool with Gary, to help Jeffrey with his homework. To give them a place where they are safe. And where they are loved. And where they can come to find safety and security.

my favorite memory from this summer happened this week. Jake and Joe. They just needed to be loved. And they were loved more by their counselors than any camper ever before. And even though they had to leave early, there was still a change. A change for the better. A catalyst. Something leading to things so much better. So much bigger. Perhaps a seed was planted. I only pray that the seed can be nurtured. That they will continue to grow. That there will be someone there to love them.

Ahhh...What a bi-polar summer. So many ups and downs. But all leading to one amazing conclusion. Too bad I don't quite know what that is yet.